Jonas Polsky

Dear Aubrey Plaza

Tue, 21 May 2013 01:04:00 -0400

Dear Aubrey Plaza,

Hi, how are you? I am well. I think you are cute.

I was wondering, would you want to go on a lunch date with me sometime? I am not dying, otherwise I would contact you via the Make-a-Wish Foundation, and they would convince you to please do it, because I was dying.

Since I’m totally alive (but maybe not for long, who knows? No one except God) I will need to convince you to go on a lunch date with this persuasive letter. There are 365 opportunities to have lunch in a year, and if you are free one of those days, I would love to have a fun, “no-strings” lunch outing with you.

I am not very familiar with your work, but I know who you are. If I knew your birthday I’d know “when” you are, but I can’t know why you are! (That’s a philosophical discussion we can have on the date!)

I’m not a “huge fan” or “weird stalker”, like some of your other fans probably are. Also, you probably have some stalkers that aren’t fans at all, or maybe hate your career, and want to do you harm, but that’s not me. I’m neutral. I just like you for being you.

By now, you’re probably visualizing this lunch (successful people use that technique to get what they want from life/see the future) and you’re wondering how it would “go down” if you choose to accept.

Here are the guidelines:

1. The lunch is platonic. Everything is totally “just friends” (unless you decide to make it “something more.”) Therefore if you have a boyfriend or husband (things that I cannot control) it would not prevent us from having lunch. Just two cool people, sharing conversation and a meal, with no legal ramifications.

2. It’s my treat. I am not wealthy, but I can scrape together enough money for you and I to enjoy lunch (and even have a little left over for the gratuity!). So relax, because your financial burden would be zero. They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but we’ll show them! (Provided you agree to the lunch, otherwise we will not show them.)

3. Lady’s choice! You get to pick the restaurant! What are you in the mood for? Sushi, Mediterranean, Cuban? It’s totally up to you (unless you can’t decide, in which case I will aid you in the decision-making process).

4. I’m a conversationalist! I know a lot about the world, and you can list all the things you’ve seen on TV or the internet, and I can tell you if I’ve seen those same things, and we can examine what we liked or disliked about each one. As that progresses, we can transition into personal stories, like things that happened in the past, and whether we emotionally grew from them, or felt forever harmed by it.

If that doesn’t work out, we can just swap old jokes we’ve heard, or even make up imaginary stories and see if they make us laugh! For example: I could pretend that I am a king, and you are a beautiful princess (the king and the princess love each other) and I’d swear to make sure no one ever hurts you, even if they have a really sharp knife, or a jagged broken bottle, or a really vicious dog with no leash.

5. Hands off! I’m a gentleman, and you wouldn’t have to worry about me touching you in ways that would make you feel uncomfortable. But if the situation called for it, I would initiate the physical contact by first announcing my intention, then awaiting your permission. Ex. “May I touch your knee?”, “May I touch parts of your head?”, “May I hug you?” and you would give the go ahead (or decline), and I would respect your decision either way, and no matter what you choose in each instance we’ll always be friends.

With all of the above reasons, I think you’d have a great time on our lunch date. It’s free, it’s whatever you want, we’d have a great talk, and there would be no risk of me touching you in a “too familiar” manner, because I would ask you first to make sure you’re “totally cool with it.”

I’ll make sure you feel safe and comfortable (like the king in the made-up story from before) and have a good or great time. I haven’t been on a date in a very long time, and it would mean a lot to me if you’d say yes.

And if you said no, I would try to “act like a mature adult” and accept it, but if I saw you on TV I’d probably change the channel, and likely print out a picture of you and cut it up or burn it. Ultimately, I would probably forgive you and wish you happiness on your journeys wherever they may lead you, but who knows how I’d feel in those first painful moments of rejection, my face flush with embarrassment/anger/confusion/sadness, that I’ve grown all too familiar with. Hopefully I would get over it, and you would too and it wouldn’t reduce the long-term happiness for either of us.

I think this is a great opportunity for you to “get out there” and finally meet someone new, and who knows, maybe the hours will fly by and suddenly it’s night and the lunch will evolve into a full-fledged date and we can “take things from there.”

My phone number is area code (858) 610-6295. So if you like the idea of having lunch with me sometime, give me a ring and we’ll set things up.

Thanks,

Jonas Polsky

PS. I think you are cute, smart, funny, intelligent, wise, hot, sexy, and fine.

PPS. In the event that you say no, and at some point in the future there is a “Win a Date with Aubrey Plaza” contest, could you please contact me so I could enter the contest as quickly as possible?

Topical Jokes Takeover 5/19/13

Mon, 20 May 2013 04:29:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

Kanye West has debuted his new song by projecting the music video onto the sides of buildings. Which was a weird move, because if you want to project a video onto a giant thing that everyone’s looking at, why not Kim Kardashian’s ass?

…Kanye decided to premier his music video in public, out of concerns that he wasn’t being annoying enough.

Prisoners at Guantanamo Bay have been on a hunger strike for 100 days. The situation is so serious, they’ve now officially changed the name to, “Guantanamo Bay Prison and Weight Loss Spa.”

In Brazil, Domino’s Pizza is using DVD rentals to advertise. When the disc warms up in the DVD player, it smells like pizza. Of course it’s no major coincidence, since Domino’s Pizza smells and tastes like hot plastic.

The European Union has moved to ban olive oil jugs from restaurants. Europeans are upset, but Popeye is furious!

North Korea has launched three missiles that landed in the ocean. The act is being considered a declaration of war, against the city of Atlantis.

A college student in Georgia was arrested after he faked his own kidnapping to avoid telling his parents he was failing. But, the plan worked, his parents totally forgot about the grades!

A woman in Arizona was arrested for trying to give away a baby at a gas station. The offer wasn’t nearly as popular as one across town, where a guy was giving away free can of gas at the baby store.

…the woman was arrested for child endangerment, and the baby was ticketed for loitering.

In business news, Yahoo has purchased Tumblr for $1.1 billion dollars. The acquisition just made Yahoo’s “10 Worst Ways to Spend a Billion Dollars.”

…the merger was the most popular story on Yahoo today, nearly eleven people read about it.

The US Air Force plans to save more than $50 million dollars by replacing flight manuals with iPads. Whenever the pilot has a mechanical problem, they’ll power up the iPad and google “flight manuals.”

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50640659102/topical-joke-takeover-5-16-13

Topical Joke Takeover 5/16/13

Fri, 17 May 2013 04:04:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

The government of Venezuela is reporting that the country is out of toilet paper. The timing is particularly bad, because this month is Venezuela’s National Wedgie Festival.

Police in New Jersey are looking for a “hatchet-wielding hitchhiker” who is suspected of murder. They’ve asked drivers to temporarily ignore their natural instinct to always pick up hitchhikers that are carrying giant blades.

…some people wondering if the hitchhiker really killed someone, or if this is just a hatchet-job.

The Justice Department has said two known terrorists have vanished from the Witness Protection Program. The Witness Protection Program has gotten so good, even they can’t find the witnesses!

Taco Bell has reached a new milestone, they’ve sold 500 million Doritos Locos Tacos. Even more impressive, they sold all of them to the same guy.

Police in Idaho have accused a man of a terrorism conspiracy. Idaho authorities are saying it’s the first time someone’s tried to hide a bomb inside a baked potato.

Due to budget cuts, California’s unemployment office will stop answering the phone after twelve o’clock. Which is unfortunate, because that’s when most unemployed people wake up.

In Brooklyn, a pizza delivery driver was arrested for selling cocaine along with the pizzas. Police became suspicious of the driver when he guaranteed delivery in 30 seconds or less.

…and they became even more suspicious when the man was delivering pizzas in a $250,000 dollar Mercedes Benz.

Pope Francis has attacked unbridled capitalism and a “cult of money” for the world’s ills. He then passed around a collection plate and reminded worshippers that the everything in the gift shop was half off.

Republicans have been accused of altering some of the released White House emails about Benghazi. One notable change: Hillary Clinton’s email address was changed from hillary@whitehouse.gov to hillary@ImABitchLOL.net

Harvey Weinstein has said they plan on making a sequel to “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” The sequel may be trying too hard to appeal to American audiences, because it’s titled, “Slouching Hipster, Kung Fu Panda.”

(Thanks for reading!)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50564832123/topical-joke-takeover-5-16-13

Topical Joke Takeover 5/16/13

Thu, 16 May 2013 03:57:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

The Syrian rebel leader is under fire after he was videotaped eating a government soldier’s lungs. The man responded to the charges by saying, “BraAaiinnNnnSs.”

NASA has said the biggest concern for the upcoming Mars mission is if the settlers can grow food. Because if they can’t grow food, they’ll have to order out.

Airlines are saying they collected record baggage fees in 2012. They’re making so much money from baggage fees, they’ve decided to stop flying passengers.

Burger King has introduced their own version of McDonald’s popular, “McRib” sandwich. In a taste test, people couldn’t tell the difference… between wanting to be alive, and wanting to be dead.

Good news for “Star Trek” fans, there’s now a “Star Trek” dating website. Finally, middle-aged “Star Trek” fans can boldly go… on their first date.

The jury in the trial of Jodia Arias decided that the murder of her ex-boyfriend was “cruel.” The other adjectives the jury could have described the killing with were: “uncool”, “cray”, “redonkulous”, or “murder-y.”

An upcoming rap concert will feature holograms of rap legends Eazy-E, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard. The holograms are so authentic, the Ol’ Dirty Bastard hologram will be too drunk to perform.

(Didn’t make the quota tonight, but there are a few good ones here. Thanks for reading!)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50311512814/topical-joke-takeover-5-12-13

Why I'm Done with Twitter

Wed, 15 May 2013 17:12:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

Twitter had a great run. I’ve really enjoyed reading and posting jokes on it, but I think the party is officially over for me. I’ve made some friends, a few enemies, and even gotten a few jobs via twitter, and for that I’m thankful.

It’s been my sneaking suspicion that virtually no one uses twitter anymore. Not like five years ago, back when it seemed like everyone was reading everything.

I have 4,700+ “readers”, but a poll yesterday showed that a measly 14 are engaged enough to favorite a tweet to let me know they’re reading.

Even if you extrapolate that number, and say maybe two-thirds didn’t log into twitter that day, it still only leaves me with 40 or so people that are tuned in.

That’s one of the problems of social media, once a reader has been “acquired”, they are on the rolls until they unsubscribe or delete their account. People want to be polite, and instead of unfollowing you, will “mute” you via the twitter app.

The end result are people with “thousands” of followers, who really only have a few hundred active users.

So I’m sending out funny jokes that I’m proud of having written, to people who are ignoring me. As any comedian will tell you, the point of being funny is to get attention.

My point is, there’s not much of a reason to generate and post jokes if I’m the only one reading them. I can go back to the method before social media of emailing jokes to my friends and have a better time.

Everyone else seems to be having a blast, and I say continue on with it. I’ll probably keep reading, and may post a joke here or there, but I’m pretty much done with it.

So thank you to anyone who has stuck around to read this, and I’ll see you guys when the next hot social media platform appears.

Just Before You Die

Mon, 13 May 2013 18:50:16 -0400

You will see this face.

Topical Joke Takeover 5/12/13

Sun, 12 May 2013 22:19:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

The West Wing of the White House was evacuated today due to smoke. And in an unrelated story, Joe Biden is grounded for the entire summer.

…After the fire was extinguished the president said no one was harmed, but some documents about Benghazi are suddenly missing…

Pope Francis has named a record-breaking 800 news Saints in a single ceremony. Many criticized the hundreds of new Saints, saying it was just an excuse to sell more action figures.

…Some people thought the Pope went a bit overboard, like with Saint Guy-Who-Offered-Me-A-Cup-Of-Coffee-Yesterday.

Lottery fever has hit, with the Powerball jackpot hitting $350 million. Just imagine what you could do with $350 million dollars! You could start your own lottery!

…People are really excited about this jackpot. Oprah is so determined to win, that she bought a billion dollars worth of tickets.

Astronauts on the International Space Station had an emergency spacewalk to fix a leaky pipe. Which also happens to be the opening scene of the world’s nerdiest porno.

In Washington state, a man who was angry with his neighbors, demolished their houses with a bulldozer. When the police arrived, the man pointed to his neighbors and said, “Get these homeless people out of here!”.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is under fire for having a $137,000 dollar bed installed on a plane. Netanyahu justified the cost by explaining that his Sleep Number is eighty-kabillion.

In Canada, a flying car crashed into a tree. The flying car crashed when the driver swerved to avoid a flying dog.

Mike Tyson is set to star in a cartoon where a magical face tattoo and a talking pigeon help him solve mysteries. The first mystery they set out to solve is to find out why Mike Tyson has a tattoo on his face.

Researchers from the University of Georgia have developed a new technique to get electricity from plants. So now the question is: do you finish eating your salad, or use it to charge your iPhone?

In New York, a man spent the last four years creating a handwritten copy of the Bible. It’s the perfect gift for someone you never want to make eye contact with again.

Lindsay Lohan is threatening to leave the Betty Ford clinic after being told she’s not allowed to take Adderall for her attention-deficit disorder. I think she has a point, I find it really hard to concentrate on sobriety when I’m not on drugs.

(This was a tough batch, I hope you enjoyed them. Thanks!)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50077255955/topical-joke-takeover-5-10-13

Letter to my Dad about a Job Interview

Fri, 10 May 2013 21:22:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

I got a call for an interview, and that was pretty exciting. Went in for it today and it was a complete disaster.

The “CEO” of the company was talking a mile-a-minute, and had a stockpile of existential questions like “What do you want?”.

I stumbled on “What are you looking for”, when my answer was about what I was looking for in a job (this is a job interview after all) but he was asking the larger question of what am I looking for in life.

Things took a bizarre turn when he asked, “Are you thirsty?” and I responded that I was fine, and said, “Wait, do you mean thirsty, like… do I want a drink?” and of course he used the term “thirsty” as in “hungry” (synonyms, right?) for success.

I nearly stopped a few times to ask if this was a prank, and walked out laughing at what was easily the worst interview I’d ever been to.

The guy who would’ve been my supervisor had bloodshot eyes, and I assumed it was because he was stoned, but I realized later they were both coked out of their minds.

“OUR COMPANY IS FUCKIN’ KICKIN’ ASS!”

“WE’RE A FAMILY!”

“WE NEED SOMEONE TO BUST THEIR ASS!”

“I’M GONNA HOOK YOU UP WITH RAISES!”

“WE NEED LOYALTY!”

“WE’RE A YOUNG COMPANY! WE’RE HUNGRY!”

“WE’VE BEEN AROUND FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, WE’RE OLD!”

So yeah, didn’t go too well. Strangely, I was asked, “do you do drugs” and immediately, “are you willing to take a drug test right now?”.

I told them I was straight edge, and I think it was the first time that has cost me a job, because I got an email an hour later that I was rejected.

That may have been a “feeler” question to see if I was “cool” working in a drugged-out company, and I don’t know what you’d really expect to hear back. You’d have to be insane to tell someone in an interview that you love taking drugs. Maybe they’re looking for insane people.

I do want to find a new job, and I was trying to decide if I was okay with my boss sometimes being coked up (assuming this is an aberration and not their Friday routine) and decided it would be nothing but trouble.

The owner was wearing a “Pepsi” t-shirt, and I realized after the fact that it was a gag, because you ask him if he likes Pepsi, he’d tell you he prefers Coke.

Har har.

Topical Joke Takeover 5/10/13

Fri, 10 May 2013 04:03:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

Selena Gomez has revealed that she’s now writing songs for Justin Bieber. Which explains why Justin Bieber’s new album is about how he’s madly in love with Justin Bieber.

A restaurant in Florida is now serving lion-meat tacos. Lion meat is a big change for Florida, because most taco stands serve human flesh.

Syria has stated they will supply Hezbollah with “game-changing” weapons. The game-changing weapons being supplied include: self-firing bazookas, piloted predator drones, lethal Nerf guns, and of course, angry hamster grenades.

Online multiplayer game World of Warcraft has lost ten percent of its players in the last three months. Well, they didn’t exactly “quit”, they locked themselves out of the house.

78,000 people have applied to live on Mars for the rest of their lives. Of course on Mars there are no intelligent life, jobs, or breathable air… so it’s a lot like America.

…the sad news is most of the applicants simply aren’t qualified to die in outer space.

After her son was shot, a mother in Texas visited WebMD for treatment instead of taking him to a hospital. She said went to WebMD after she couldn’t find any medical advice on Urban Dictionary.

…the woman says she understands her mistake, and next time she needs to contact the police, she’ll immediately Google “911.”

Amazon is reportedly developing a smartphone with a 3D screen. Finally, smartphone users have absolutely no reason to look up!

Grocery chain Whole Foods may have sold chicken salads that were labeled as “vegan.” Vegans immediately knew something was wrong, because the salad tasted good.

In an attempt to regain ratings, all four hosts of “American Idol” are being replaced at the end of this season. The new judges are Honey Boo Boo Child, a photo of John Travolta, and the guy who sings “Gangnam Style.”

Two Carnival Cruise passengers are missing off the coast of Australia. The rest of the passengers are unfortunately still on the cruise.

(Thanks for reading! Mostly abduction news today, but I gave it a shot.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49922018353/topical-joke-takeover-5-8-13

Topical Joke Takeover 5/8/13

Wed, 08 May 2013 04:17:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

A man has stepped forward to accuse the late Michael Jackson of molestation. The charges are pretty serious, if convicted Jackson could get the death penalty.

Bill Clinton has said Hillary “hasn’t mentioned” a 2016 presidential run. Which isn’t saying much, because Hillary hasn’t spoken to him since 1997.

A man in Arizona thought he had a runny nose, but it turned out he was leaking brain fluid. Doctors suspected his brain was leaking after the man sneezed, and forgot his childhood.

Rapper Ja Rule was released from prison today after serving two years. Ja Rule hopes to find employment in the rap industry, but it’s tough when you have a criminal record.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie revealed that he got Lap-Band surgery to reduce his weight. Christie knew he had to take action about his weight when he looked down and not only couldn’t see his feet, he couldn’t see New Jersey!

…Christie got the weight-loss surgery in February, then went back in March for a refund.

Doctors in Japan have discovered a new sexually-transmitted super virus, that is even deadlier than AIDS. So far the only known symptoms are that you look and smell like Ke$ha.

…this new super virus is highly contagious, it can even be transmitted through sexting.

Dennis Rodman has asked Kim-Jong Un to release an American prisoner. The CIA has informed the prisoner to not worry, they have their worst man on the job.

Three fake nuns were caught attempting to smuggle cocaine out of Colombia. Things got really confusing when it turned out the police were really nuns disguised as cops who were looking to buy fake cocaine.

Internet traffic has dropped off completely from Syria, leading many to believe Syrian internet access has been completely cut off. There have been millions of outgoing phone calls from Syria asking people in other countries to describe porn.

(Thanks for reading, let me know if you liked the jokes by “liking” this post.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49724450886/topical-joke-takeover-5-5-13

Ed Norton in "Fight Club"?

Mon, 06 May 2013 22:54:08 -0400

NOPE! It’s Gary Sinise in “Ransom”!

The Button-Down Mind of Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Sun, 05 May 2013 20:23:23 -0400

Elaine turns heads when her shirt loses a button. From the Seinfeld episode, “The Gum.”

Homina, homina, homina.

Topical Joke Takeover 5/5/13

Sun, 05 May 2013 18:36:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

In an interview with Piers Morgan, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she’s only taken cocaine “maybe 4 or 5 times.” Not 4 or 5 times in her life, but during that interview.

Lil Wayne has been dropped as a spokesman for Mountain Dew because the company said his lyrics are offensive to black people. When Lil Wayne asked Mountain Dew which lyrics were offensive, they replied, “All of them.”

An Ethiopian religious group wants to institute a death penalty for homosexuals. In an unrelated story, Tom Cruise just cancelled his trip to Ethiopia.

Researchers in New York have found that 40% of teens text while driving. They also found out that the remaining 60% of teens are total liars.

In a speech in Mexico, President Obama said that “A new Mexico is emerging.” The governor for the state of New Mexico said, “Uhh, hello?”.

A 9/11 museum in New York is set to institute a mandatory $20-$25 dollar entry fee. They said the outrageous ticket price was the only way to ensure visitors never forget 9/11.

A paper from the National Academy of Sciences suggests that ancient Earth smelled like rotten eggs. What do you mean “used to?”, said people in New York City.

The parents from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” have just gotten married. They said they finally tied the knot, because if you aren’t married after your fourth child, it starts to look a little tacky.

…proving that their reality show hasn’t changed them, they’re registered at The Dollar Store.

While giving a commencement speech at Ohio State University, President Obama told students, “I dare you to do better.” The students said, “Hey, right back atcha.”

Russia has increased the cost to send American astronauts to the space station from $65 million per person to $71 million. On the receipt, Russia listed the $5-million-dollar rate hike as a “You Have No Other Way of Getting There”-fee.

…the Russian space program said if the astronauts didn’t want to pay the full $71 million that they could be dropped off at the exosphere, and walk the rest of the way.

A NASA study predicts that climate change will cause severe rainfall and drought. The study also revealed that NASA scientists are really indecisive.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly “on the fence” about showing her baby on television. Kim said some things should be kept private. Off the top of her head, she couldn’t think of what that would be, but there’s got to be something.

…Kim Kardashian said she would never force her baby into the spotlight, unless it resulted in more fame, money, or ratings.

(Feliz Cinco de Mayo! Vaya con El Diablo, muchachos!)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49495800486/topical-joke-takeover-5-2-13

SNL Product Placement

Sun, 05 May 2013 06:24:50 -0400

SNL Quiz: Guess what “advertiser-linked” sketch had absolutely nothing to do with M&Ms?

If budgetary woes really force to you include advertisers, at least make it funny. The person I really feel bad for is whoever wrote this sketch, and then found out it has to take place at an M&M store.

And this is coming from a guy who loves to eat M&Ms.

Why "Iron Man 3" Sucked

Fri, 03 May 2013 17:06:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

I hated the first scene of “Iron Man 3”, then the second, then the third, and slowly realized that “Iron Man 3” was sucking right before my eyes.

It’s hard to believe that it’s wholly inferior to the much-reviled second installment. It’s not even as good as Tony’s scenes from “The Avengers”, which I would have rather rewatched than sit through “Iron Man 3.”

Here’s why it sucked:

Mindless collection of androids that appear solely as an advertisement for toys.

Like the child who puzzles over the “Polar Ice Rocket Attack Batman” figurine, the audience only learns in the third act why promos for “Iron Man 3” have featured nearly a dozen versions of the Iron Man armor. It’s because it’s a soulless advertisement for toys.

(Also, they should have called it “Audi presents: Iron Man 3.”)

Tried to incorporate “Extremis” with the Mandarin and butchered both.

“Extremis” is arguably the best Iron Man storyline, and by screwing up the details, and multiplying a single unbeatable Extremis enemy into a half-dozen, it’s no surprise that it didn’t work.

Don’t get me started on the Mandarin. (spits)

Iron Man armor fails and is made fun of too often.

It’s normal for the Iron Man armor to lose power, or some aspects of functionality so Tony has a challenge, but this is just ridiculous. The suit probably breaks down a dozen times in the movie, if not explodes off of Tony with a single hit. He’s IRON MAN! His ingenious armor makes him a hero, if that armor doesn’t work he’s not Iron Man, and if so why is this movie called “Iron Man”?

Everything that was good happened in the trailer and “sneak previews.”

Probably would’ve enjoyed the Stark mansion attack and Air Force One rescue a bit more if I hadn’t already seen it a million times.

Opens with Eiffel 65’s “Blue”(???) and manages to get worse from there.

My jaw dropped when the Paramount logo was assembling to this awful song. WHY?

The “jokes” didn’t get any laughs.

One or two jokes got big laughs, but for the most part fell flat to a silent audience.

Lame “Solutions”

The whole point of a super hero story is to present them with a seemingly impossible situation, and they come up with a brilliant solution that you didn’t expect. For weeks I wondered how the Air Force One rescue would be resolved, and watched it sputter to a close with no explanation.

Post-credits “Secret” scene.

Okay, the falafel scene in “The Avengers” was funny, but don’t jerk me around. If you don’t have anything to add, there’s no reason for a “bonus” scene.

SPOILERS:

Only decent things that happened:

Tony’s improvised intrusion kit, which was cool, but out of place.

When Tony was waiting on the parts of the suit to arrive and he was maneuvering with one gauntlet and one leg.

Guy Pearce before his transformation: He was awesome looking and sounding, and I would’ve preferred he stay that way instead of becoming a second-rate Hammer clone.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs. They weren’t too shabby.

Overall Iron Man was a mindless disaster. I think when Jon Favreau quit, he took the heart and wit of the series with him.

Hopefully Tony can make it up to us in the next Avengers…

Topical Joke Takeover 5/2/13

Fri, 03 May 2013 01:44:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

A real estate company is offering a 15% raise to employees if they get a tattoo of the company’s logo. Most employees use the extra money for tattoo removal when they get laid off.

A company has invented a men’s shirt that doesn’t need to be washed for 100 days. The shirt is being marketed as “The Everlasting Slobstopper.”

A Walmart employee has been arrested for working part time as a male prostitute. Great employee — just sucked at his job.

A man in New Hampshire is suing a carnival after he lost $2,600 at one of their games. He may have a case, the carnival has made an offer to settle for 80,000 skee-ball tickets.

Facebook has announced that now your Facebook friends will be assigned to work as customer support. Because who better to help you reset your password, than the guy you stood up for the 8th grade dance?

A bombing attack of a rally in the UK was thwarted, when the bombers showed up too late. The bombers said they were late because they forgot to look at their watches, cellphones, and the building with a giant clock on it.

With over a billion visitors a month, YouTube is claiming the war with TV is already over. Television hasn’t given up yet, they plan to allow viewers to call in and leave incredibly racist comments.

The State of Rhode Island has legalized gay marriage. It seemed like good news, until someone checked and realized — no one lives in Rhode Island.

Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones has admitted that he “doesn’t have an iPod.” Richards then pulled out an iPod, and tried to open the garage door with it.

…Keith Richards has so much money, when he wants to hear a song, he hires the band to play it live.

Scientists have discovered part of the mouse’s brain that lets them live 20% longer. The increased lifespan allows mice to experience a mid-life crisis.

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49242665093/topical-joke-takeover-4-29-13

Topical Joke Takeover 4/29/13

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 01:50:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

In sports news, Jason Collins of the Washington Wizards has just come out as gay. Meanwhile in an alternate dimension, a gay wizard has come out as an NBA player.

In the news, women are now getting plastic surgery to make their arms look like Michelle Obama’s. The story was reported on Fox News as “Obama Triggers Arms Race.”

The federal government announced that they were going to pay down some of the national debt for the first time in six years. The government decided to make a payment after creditors threatened to repossess Air Force One.

Prison inmates are now reviewing prisons on Yelp. An example of one review is “Food: not great. Lethal injection chair: Surprisingly comfortable.”

A “Rocky” musical will debut on Broadway next year. It’s the perfect night of entertainment if you want to see two men pretend to punch each other while singing “Mama Said Knock You Out.”

Schoolchildren in Palestine are being trained by Hamas to fire assault rifles, throw grenades, and plant bombs. One parent said, “Hey, at least it’s keeping kids away from those violent video games.”

A man in India was arrested after he let his nine-year-old son drive his Ferrari. The man is charged with “Being an Awesome Father.”

Democrats are saying that climate change could force poorer women into prostitution.They may be right, just today I saw a guy hand a prostitute an oscillating fan and a Klondike Bar.

Hamid Karzai, the president of Afghanistan has confirmed that he’s been receiving secret cash deliveries from the CIA for a decade. Which worked out great, because if Karzai misbehaved, the CIA could take away his allowance.

A pregnant woman in Hawaii gave birth, then abandoned the newborn on the beach. Which just shows you the lengths some people will go to win a limbo competition.

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/48761606179/topical-joke-takeover-4-23-13

Why Writing Topical Jokes is Easy

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 13:48:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

“One, two, three! Funny! Go!” - David Lynch

Topical jokes are a constant in show business. They’re the cornerstone of late night television, internet content, awards ceremonies, the White House Correspondent’s dinner, and more. They’re so ever-present in media, you may not even realize how often you hear them.

The entertainment industry is a voracious maw that devours topical jokes as fast as they can be written. Luckily for comedy writers, writing topical jokes is probably the easiest thing to do in the world.

You just have to remember the following rules:

The joke has to be about a current event - This is the most important rule of all. If a joke isn’t about a current event, it’s not topical. And “current” is the operative term. A writer has around twenty-four-hours to come up with a joke until a news story is “old.” If you think of a great punchline the next morning, or ten years after Bill Clinton has ended his presidency, it’s too late.

The story is in the newspaper - Even though it may seem unlikely that the Queen of England got a raise, it was in that day’s newspaper, and that’s why it’s in a topical monologue. You can pick from any story that appears in the newspaper, but you can’t write about a tornado if one didn’t happen.

A comedy writer is at the mercy of news outlets, because they dictate what stories and ideas are available for the writers to use.

The first half of the joke has to be completely true - If the president chokes on a pretzel, the joke has to be about choking, or about a pretzel. He can’t choke on a Slim Jim, or slip on a Cinnabon to make it funnier, so you’re limited by the facts set forth in the story.

After you’ve delivered the setup, it’s anything goes. The joke can go in any direction you want, as long as it’s supported by the facts in the setup.

The joke can’t involve most violent crimes, or death - Topical monologues are broadcast all over the country, so jokes have to be light, and inoffensive. This means that more than half of the news stories in the paper are unusable.

“Say folks, didja hear about this double rape and murder?” (Station goes to a test pattern)

If someone dies in a silly, or novel way they can pass, but car bombings, child abductions, AIDS, and war stories are off-limits.

The news story you pick has to have a funny angle - It’s possible to write a funny joke about a story that isn’t very interesting, but a tax code revision exploratory committee probably won’t inspire you, or keep viewers tuned in. So along with the bulk of news stories about violent crime, there is another segment of very dry news pieces that you will avoid.

At this point, the available news stories to write about has shrunk to about thirty percent of its total. For professional comedy writers, the stories are already selected by a staffer, so they look at a list of two dozen or so “acceptable” topics to write jokes about.

Then you get to write jokes about hilarious stories like these!

“Mars Rover operating in safe mode”

“Higgs Boson particle not yet confirmed”

“Economy only adds 88,000 jobs”

“10 year anniversary of Iraq invasion”

This stuff writes itself, folks.

The joke has be TV-friendly (PG to PG-13) - The FCC prevents the use of most swear words, which is why innuendo is king on television. You may come up with a great punchline about Fox News anchors having a coke-fueled orgy in a minivan, but it’s probably not going to air.

The joke has to be two lines - The joke has two parts, the setup, and the punchline. Audiences are listening to jokes because they expect it to pay off with a laugh, if that doesn’t happen soon, they’re changing the channel.

As much as Letterman or Craig Ferguson may wander around a concept, ultimately it comes down to a two-liner. There are additional laughs, or riffs occurring before and after, but at the heart of it lies a two-liner, because that’s what works.

It may sound very “formulaic” or “schticky”, but that’s how people have been writing jokes for the better part of a century.

The setup has to encapsulate all the information needed to understand the punchline - You have to distill all the facts of the story into a one line summary, and the funny part happens a moment later, in the punchline.

“The female Secretary of State for Azerbaijan was stuck in the bathroom of a grounded airplane for three hours last night.”

That’s a lot of information to cram into the setup, but if you need all of it to support the turn you make in the punchline, it’s what you have to do.

“And to make matters worse, she couldn’t wipe her Azerbai-gina.” (applause triggers second Big Bang)

The joke can’t rely on prior knowledge - Everyone watching a topical monologue is from Earth (as far as we know) so they’ve heard of oceans, childbirth, and breakfast. Beyond that, you can’t assume they know anything. You may want your punchline to be about Rick Rubin shaving his beard to become a mountie, but unless the joke is for the Canadian Grammys, it probably won’t fly.

You either have to be certain a detail is common knowledge, or express it in the setup or punchline, which can make for a very unwieldly joke.

Now, you’re ready to write!

So, once you’ve eliminated all the offensive and violent stories that are in today’s paper, all you have to do is take the remaining science news, stock market ticks, political movements, and celebrity stories that are left over and find a way to make them hilarious, inoffensive, and relatable in two sentences.

See? It’s easy!

#NathanForYou

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 01:09:04 -0400

“Nathan For You” is great.

Topical Joke Takeover 4/23/13

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 03:35:00 -0400

by Jonas Polsky

Today the twitter account for the Associated Press was hacked, and tweeted that President Obama was injured in a White House bombing. It’s a shame the tweet was fake, because it gave Ann Coulter her very first orgasm.

Anthony Weiner has returned to twitter after accidentally tweeting a racy photo cost him his job and his marriage. He’s hoping this time around a tweet will either bankrupt him, or get him killed.

New York City is now testing an app that lets people hail taxis with their smartphone. If it works, it could revolutionize the way black people get ignored by cab drivers.

A new report shows that in the last five years hospitals have deported 600 unconscious immigrants without their consent. Being deported wasn’t even the worst part, many of them woke up to find Hitler mustaches and penises drawn on their faces.

…The hospitals have agreed to stop deporting comatose immigrants, and will instead launch them into outer space.

Apple has returned eight million iPhones to a Chinese manufacturer because they weren’t fit for sale. Apple complained the phones couldn’t place calls, the screens cracked easily, and had faulty batteries. In other words, they were iPhones.

The two women who were accidentally shot by the LAPD during the Chris Dorner manhunt have been awarded $4.2 million dollars. The women immediately spent all the money on bulletproof vests.

A newscaster in North Dakota was fired on his very first day for saying the f-word during a live broadcast. Cee-Lo Green said it was too bad, if music had been playing the guy could’ve won a Grammy.

A new study shows that dictating text messages with a hands-free device while driving, is just as dangerous as regular texting. Some people have abandoned hands-free texting entirely, and are experimenting hands-free driving.

The plastic brick company LEGO plans to open a school in Denmark. Children will spend the first few years assembling the school, and when they hit their teens, they’ll blow it up with fireworks.

In Florida, a first date ended when the man carjacked his date at gunpoint and drove away. Authorities think the man is playing really hard to get.

…the woman says she may call him in a few days and use the old excuse, “I think I left all of my belongings in your car.”

Police in South Carolina arrested a man with a Pac-Man arcade machine, that was filled with marijuana. Police suspected something was up when the machine said “Insert Quarters or Double Stuf Oreos.”

To raise awareness for poverty, Ben Affleck has agreed to live on $1.50 per day. This experiment will let him see firsthand, what life is like for Casey Affleck.

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/48570858251/topical-joke-takeover-4-21-13