Jonas Polsky

NICK SWARDSON’S DEFEND TIME
by Jonas Polsky

MAN in a business suit is in an elevator, NICK enters the elevator.

MAN
What floor?

NICK
Fiftieth, thanks.

MAN looks at NICK

MAN
I’ve seen you on tv, you’re Nick Swardson, right?

NICK
That’s me, what’s up bro?

MAN
What are you up to?

NICK
Oh you know, jetsettin’ it up, living the jetsetter lifestyle. That’s me, Nick Swardson, Jetsetter.

MAN
That’s great, don’t you have your own show now?

NICK
(proudly) Yeah, “Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time”, no big deal though. (laughs)

MAN
That’s the one. Everyone I’ve talked to really hates that show.

NICK
(somewhat deflated) Yeah, but I love my haters so it’s all good.

MAN
I caught a few sketches online, that show, ooh, it’s not great.

NICK is annoyed.

MAN
Those show intros of you in the bar, those are awful. You look like you’re about to die of malaria.

NICK
Well, I created the show for my fans, and it has kind of a different vibe…

MAN cuts off NICK

MAN
And what’s with those transitions where you zoom into a phone, or tv or whatever? Is that supposed to be clever? Cause they suck.

NICK
Wow, this elevator is taking for-everrrr!

MAN
Bunch of stoner humor that falls flat. Face it, your show just sucks.

NICK proudly shows his paycheck

NICK
Whatever, I’m getting Comedy Central money now, so I’m not really sweatin’ critics.

MAN looks at paycheck

MAN
(puzzled) You only get $1,700 a week?

NICK
Nah, that’s for two weeks, but whatever, I’m gettin’ paid to make people laugh though so…

MAN
But if you’re not making people laugh, should you be paid?

NICK is really annoyed.

MAN
The only good sketch I saw on there was the Finesse Mitchell sketch, that was funny.

NICK
Weren’t you supposed to get off this elevator like ten floors ago…?

MAN
The quality of tv programming is really bad lately. Maybe they should cancel you, and put on Finesse Mitchell’s Pretend Time, I’d watch that show!

NICK
(angrily) Yeah well, the day you’re head of Comedy Central programming, you can do that, but until then you can go ahead and suck my balls! P’chew!

MAN
I’m not Comedy Central’s head of programming, but my dad is! Why don’t we go ahead and make that happen?

MAN takes out cellphone.

NICK is shocked. NICK quickly puts on dark sunglasses and changes voice.

MAN
Hello, Comedy Central internal productions please. Patty, this is Ken, can you put me through to Dad?

NICK looks visibly ill.

MAN
Yes, I’ll hold. (to NICK) Are you okay? You look like you’re about to die of malaria.

NICK
Oh wait, have you been saying “Nick Swardson”, this whole time? Sorry, I must have misheard you, yeah ‘cause um, my name is “Swick Nardson.” I have show on TNT, where uh, I talk to ghosts, so um… later!

NICK runs out of the elevator

END