Dear Aubrey Plaza,
Hi, how are you? I am well. I think you are cute.
I was wondering, would you want to go on a lunch date with me sometime? I am not dying, otherwise I would contact you via the Make-a-Wish Foundation, and they would convince you to please do it, because I was dying.
Since I’m totally alive (but maybe not for long, who knows? No one except God) I will need to convince you to go on a lunch date with this persuasive letter. There are 365 opportunities to have lunch in a year, and if you are free one of those days, I would love to have a fun, “no-strings” lunch outing with you.
I am not very familiar with your work, but I know who you are. If I knew your birthday I’d know “when” you are, but I can’t know why you are! (That’s a philosophical discussion we can have on the date!)
I’m not a “huge fan” or “weird stalker”, like some of your other fans probably are. Also, you probably have some stalkers that aren’t fans at all, or maybe hate your career, and want to do you harm, but that’s not me. I’m neutral. I just like you for being you.
By now, you’re probably visualizing this lunch (successful people use that technique to get what they want from life/see the future) and you’re wondering how it would “go down” if you choose to accept.
Here are the guidelines:
1. The lunch is platonic. Everything is totally “just friends” (unless you decide to make it “something more.”) Therefore if you have a boyfriend or husband (things that I cannot control) it would not prevent us from having lunch. Just two cool people, sharing conversation and a meal, with no legal ramifications.
2. It’s my treat. I am not wealthy, but I can scrape together enough money for you and I to enjoy lunch (and even have a little left over for the gratuity!). So relax, because your financial burden would be zero. They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but we’ll show them! (Provided you agree to the lunch, otherwise we will not show them.)
3. Lady’s choice! You get to pick the restaurant! What are you in the mood for? Sushi, Mediterranean, Cuban? It’s totally up to you (unless you can’t decide, in which case I will aid you in the decision-making process).
4. I’m a conversationalist! I know a lot about the world, and you can list all the things you’ve seen on TV or the internet, and I can tell you if I’ve seen those same things, and we can examine what we liked or disliked about each one. As that progresses, we can transition into personal stories, like things that happened in the past, and whether we emotionally grew from them, or felt forever harmed by it.
If that doesn’t work out, we can just swap old jokes we’ve heard, or even make up imaginary stories and see if they make us laugh! For example: I could pretend that I am a king, and you are a beautiful princess (the king and the princess love each other) and I’d swear to make sure no one ever hurts you, even if they have a really sharp knife, or a jagged broken bottle, or a really vicious dog with no leash.
5. Hands off! I’m a gentleman, and you wouldn’t have to worry about me touching you in ways that would make you feel uncomfortable. But if the situation called for it, I would initiate the physical contact by first announcing my intention, then awaiting your permission. Ex. “May I touch your knee?”, “May I touch parts of your head?”, “May I hug you?” and you would give the go ahead (or decline), and I would respect your decision either way, and no matter what you choose in each instance we’ll always be friends.
With all of the above reasons, I think you’d have a great time on our lunch date. It’s free, it’s whatever you want, we’d have a great talk, and there would be no risk of me touching you in a “too familiar” manner, because I would ask you first to make sure you’re “totally cool with it.”
I’ll make sure you feel safe and comfortable (like the king in the made-up story from before) and have a good or great time. I haven’t been on a date in a very long time, and it would mean a lot to me if you’d say yes.
And if you said no, I would try to “act like a mature adult” and accept it, but if I saw you on TV afterward I’d probably change the channel, and likely print out a picture of your face and cut it up or burn it. Ultimately, I would probably forgive you and wish you happiness on your journeys wherever they may lead you, but who knows how I’d feel in those first painful moments of rejection, my face flush with embarrassment/anger/confusion/sadness, that I’ve grown all too familiar with. Hopefully I would get over it, and you would too and it wouldn’t reduce the long-term happiness for either of us.
I think this is a great opportunity for you to “get out there” and finally meet someone new, and who knows, maybe the hours will fly by and suddenly it’s night and the lunch will evolve into a full-fledged date and we can “take things from there.”
My phone number is area code (858) 610-6295. So if you like the idea of having lunch with me sometime, give me a ring and we’ll set things up.
PS. I think you are cute, smart, funny, intelligent, wise, hot, sexy, and fine.
PPS. In the event that you say no, and at some point in the future there is a “Win a Date with Aubrey Plaza” contest, could you please contact me so I could enter the contest as quickly as possible?