by Jonas Polsky
The Dow Jones Industrial Average hit a record high today. To mark the occasion, millionaires brought out the last member of the American middle class, and ran him over with a Rolls Royce.
Nikki Minaj has fired her makeup artist, hairdresser, and stylist. Not to worry, the makeup team has already found work, dressing Japanese sex androids.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have moved to Paris, France. Not to be outdone, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have moved to Paris Casino, Las Vegas.
…In retaliation, France has demanded we return the Statue of Liberty.
Due to budget cuts, free tours of the White House have been cancelled indefinitely. The cancellations weren’t due to a lack of security, but the Obamas don’t want people to see what their home looks like after they fired all the maids.
The TSA has decided to once again allow knives on airplanes. “Finally, things are back to normal”, said terrorists.
Of course, the knives will be carefully examined with an x-ray, to make sure the knife doesn’t have a bomb hidden in it.
A woman in Florida threatened Walmart employees with a gun when they refused to honor a one dollar coupon. When asked why he would risk his life for a dollar, the manager said, “Come on, I work at Walmart, my life isn’t worth a dollar!”.
The government has confirmed that the President has the authority to order a drone strike on Americans on US soil. The statement was especially chilling, because it was in response to the question, “How does Obama feel about Donald Trump?”.
The next Samsung phone may let users surf the internet using only their eyes. This will free up your hands for important tasks, like: holding a steering wheel.
(Thanks for reading! If you weren’t impressed, I accidentally erased the post before publishing, and rewrote all of these from memory. No joke.)
Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/44525414553/topical-joke-takeover-3-3-13