Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

A baby in Mississippi has reportedly been cured of HIV — and her parents won’t shut up about it on Facebook.

After a computer glitch, the Mars Rover Curiosity had to reboot in safe mode. Experts say this won’t impact the mission, but Curiosity may have lost several pages of the screenplay it was working on.

Speaking of Mars, a man planning a private mission to the red planet plans to shield radiation by lining the ship with urine and feces. The poop and pee filled spaceship is known informally as the “Carnival Triumph.”

Joe Biden has apologized for not participating in a civil rights march in 1965. Biden’s role in civil rights doesn’t end there, like the time he famously said to Rosa Parks, “Excuse me lady, but you’re in my seat!”.

In England, Queen Elizabeth has been hospitalized with the stomach flu. The Queen assured England the hospital stay won’t interrupt her royal duties; as she’s been replaced by a “pretty convincing” cardboard cutout.

On a recent trip to North Korea, Dennis Rodman got along great with leader Kim Jong-un. They were having such a great time, at one point Kim Jong and Rodman even compared missiles.

President Obama has picked the head of the Walmart Foundation to be his budget chief. Obama said she’s already outlined a budget, which consists of mostly Cheetos and NASCAR hats.

A new study shows that more than 100 million sharks are killed annually. Surprisingly, most of that is due to shark-on-shark gun violence.

College students in New York are under fire for playing “Abortion Wars” where they stuff balloons under their shirts, and stab the balloons with forks. The students said playing the game was a tough decision, but many of them just weren’t ready to carry the balloons to term.

A Scottish cardinal has stepped down, citing non-specific sexual improprieties. Worshippers began to suspect the cardinal when they noticed his confession booth had a glory hole.

(Hire me Pete Holmes, and I hope you enjoyed these!)

Previous topical jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/44282661835/topical-joke-takeover-2-28-13