Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

The company “Girls Gone Wild” has filed for bankruptcy. “Girls Gone Wild” has lost everything, they even lost the shirt off their back.

A New York firefighter was arrested after he beat his wife with an iPad. The wife said the attack was painful, but she was glad to see him finally getting some use out of that iPad!

NFL recruit Manti Te’o has said recruiters have asked him if he likes girls. Te’o responded, “OMG, yes! Lena Dunham is amazeballs!”

Scientists at Duke University have developed a system that allows rats to read each others minds. Yeah, because that’s everyone’s biggest complaint about rats, that they don’t have psychic powers.

The dreaded “sequester” will cause steep budget cuts tomorrow. The financial situation is so bad, WhiteHouse.gov will now have pop-up ads.

With the resignation of Pope Benedict, Catholic cardinals will begin selecting the next pope. I don’t envy the guy they pick, he’s got a pretty big hat to fill.

A 114-year-old woman in Japan has been officially recognized as “the world’s oldest woman.” To put that in perspective, at restaurants she no longer gets a senior citizen discount, she eats for free!

Of course the woman admitted she shaves a few years off on her dating profile, because she can pass for 105.

A woman in Indonesia drowned her son because she was worried he would have a bleak future because of his small penis. Having a small penis isn’t great, but it’s probably not quite as bad as, I dunno know, being murdered?

Citing low sales, the CEO of Groupon was fired today. Groupon had actually notified him he was fired weeks ago, but he deleted the email without reading it.

(Thanks for reading! This is the 100th time I’ve written topical jokes, so I’ve spent a little over 100 hours of my life doing them. Last time I kissed a girl was in 2006.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/44129249874/topical-joke-takeover-2-26-13