Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

A man in Michigan had his $7,500 pornography collection stolen. The man says he wasn’t sure how long the thieves had been in his home, because he’d stepped away to the bathroom, and well, “lost track of time.”

A report shows that the current Congress has done almost nothing this year. The current Congress just can’t agree with each other, notably, whether or not they’re actually Congress.

News agencies are reporting that Ben Affleck shaved his beard immediately after the Oscars. But that’s not all, the internet buzz says that Daniel Day-Lewis clipped his fingernails, and Jennifer Lawrence brushed her teeth.

Chris Brown has stated that beating up Rihanna in 2009 was the deepest regret of his life. Second biggest regret? Not beating her up in 2008.

New secretary of state, John Kerry told Germans, “In America, we have the right to be stupid.” Kerry went on to prove his point by saying, “And if someone tries to make us not stupid, we have gun thingies, to make murder with.”

An Australian billionaire has unveiled plans to build, “The Titanic II.” Tickets for the maiden voyage of Titanic II have already topped $80,000 dollars. That’s not how much it costs to be a passenger, that’s how much he’ll pay you.

Republicans are criticizing President Obama for exaggerating the impact of a budget sequester. Especially claims like, if the sequester happens, AMC will never air the final season of “Breaking Bad.”

Dennis Rodman arrived in North Korea on a diplomacy mission. We knew Dennis Rodman wouldn’t be a good representative, but nobody else was crazy enough to visit North Korea.

(Hope you enjoyed the jokes, wish I could’ve written more, but it’s already past my bedtime.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/43943632816/topical-joke-takeover-2-23-13