Dear Mr. Holmes,
The ink has yet to dry on your upcoming late night contract, and long-lost relatives, preschool roommates, and half of Los Feliz are coming out of the woodwork to congratulate you, and weep at your feet.
I listened to your album “Impregnated with Wonder” yesterday, so yeah, I guess you could say I’ve been a fan since day one.
All that aside, here is my not-very-urgent plea to be a writer on your show. I will not tell you I am the world’s greatest topical joke writer, but I’m probably in the top eighty, and that’s still really, really good.
So the question Mr. Holmes, is not why should you hire me, but why SHOULDN’T you hire me? Greek philosophers have pondered for decades over the meaning of the word “genius”, but they all typically agree that I fit three out of five of the requirements to be a bona fide ersatz genius when it comes to comedy writing.
Certainly, you possess a gaggle, or a “posse” of friends that may pass muster, but I am the only writer who can pass mustard. If there is an empty slot in your comedy harem, I’d very much like to be one of your “bitches”, sir.
Here are the jokes I’ve been writing compulsively over the last few years, in complete isolation, with very little encouragement, and they are topical, and also as funny as anything on late night.