Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

An online poll voted Kristen Stewart the “Least Sexy Actress in Hollywood.” Many people were surprised at the results, because they had no idea Kristen Stewart was considered an actress.

Two children in Connecticut aged 11 and 12 scared their parents when they ran away from home to get married. The couple were tracked down when they registered at Baby Gap.

A woman in Texas was arrested after she called 911 to order cigarettes. The woman had the last laugh though, when she got to jail she just borrowed a cigarette from her cellmate.

Last October, astronauts took 32 fish onto the International Space Station, most of which died. Experts say the fish died because they just couldn’t adapt to weightlessness.

Kellogg’s has recalled boxes of their cereal Special K, because it may contain shards of broken glass. A rep for Kellogg’s urged the public to be careful when eating it, because the cereal tastes a lot like shards of glass.

A woman in North Carolina set a record when she received a thirty-eight-inch french fry from Arby’s. You gotta ask yourself, how is your day going when it starts with a visit to Arby’s, and ends with you measuring a french fry?

And in accordance with North Carolina state law, the person who holds the longest curly fry is immediately appointed governor.

New research shows that on average, women say 13,000 more words per day than men. The study noted women would probably say a lot more, if you’d shut up and let them finish.

A hospital in Michigan is under fire after a man requested that no black nurses take care of his baby. The staff honored the request, and the baby was only taken care of by black homeless people.

Doctors at Cornell say they can now use a 3D printer to create artificial ears for patients. The 3D ears will replace ears made with a 2D printer, which frankly, weren’t fooling anybody.

In order to increase revenue, many states are now charging a “crash tax” which fines drivers who get into a car accident. Of course some drivers plan on avoiding the fine, by only getting into fatal accidents.

THE TAKEOVER CONTINUES! Thanks for reading!

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/43550336415/topical-joke-takeover-2-19-13