Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

The International Monetary Fund says that they are still “in touch” with Tunisia regarding their outstanding 1.7 billion dollar loan. And by “in touch” they mean “calling to ask about the loan 6,000 times per day.”

A video from the North Korean government shows Barack Obama in flames. The video was condemned, and then immediately used as the new opening for “Fox & Friends.”

The FBI is investigating possible insider trading in the recent acquisition of Heinz Inc. They say the traders in question had insider knowledge that made them hold the ketchup.

In order to increase sales the US Postal Service is going to launch their own clothing line. Of course, delivering the clothing to customers would be too expensive, so they’ll be mailed out via FedEx.

The stock for Google broke $800 dollars per share today. In a related story, someone bought a share of Bing for a dusty Jolly Rancher.

NASA lost contact with the International Space Station during a routine computer software update. Luckily, the astronauts didn’t try to update iTunes, or the space station would have fallen out of the sky.

A Palestinian prisoner’s hunger strike has reached its 211th day. The prisoner has refused all food so far, but he did take a long, hard look at a plate of Fish McBites.

A man in New Jersey has set a record by playing the arcade game “Q-Bert” for 84 hours straight, on a single quarter.Fans of video games were intrigued, asking “What’s an arcade?” and “What are quarters?”

At a town hall meeting, Joe Biden spoke out against assault rifles, and urged Americans to buy shotguns, because they’re much easier to use. “Uh, shotguns aren’t THAT easy to use!” shouted Dick Cheney.

A hotel in Sweden allows guests to experience homelessness for ten dollars a night. Unfortunately, even at ten dollars, many homeless people simply can’t afford to stay there.

Grey Poupon has changed their classic TV commercial after sixteen years. Instead of one millionaire asking another millionaire to borrow some mustard in the new ad, a billionaire bankrupts an American family, and then repossesses their mustard.

Reports are coming out that the MTV show “Catfish” that exposes hoaxes, is fake. Fans of the show became suspicious when they realized MTV’s website is actually TheWallStreetJournal.com

For the first time in six years, the number of cosmetic surgeries for breasts and butts has gone down, and surgery on the face has gone up. As always, the most popular procedure is getting surgery to make your face look like a butt.

(Day 2: Better than yesterday, but spent the better part of an evening on them.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/43461082348/topical-jokes-for-todays-packet-2-18-13