Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

“Love is a battlefield.” - Pat Benatar

Word in the celeb-o-sphere is that Rihanna has resumed dating Chris Brown after their explosive initial bout in February of ‘09. In this pre-Grammy mixed-martial arts event, Rihanna was humiliated on a worldwide stage after Chris Brown, punched, bit, and ultimately knocked out the Barbados-born scrapper. When the dust settled Chris emerged as a fight night hero with Rihanna sent to the hospital in defeat.

That was three long, long years ago, and this is the rematch fight fans have been clamoring for. Personally, I applaud Rihanna’s courage to step back into the ring for another helping of hurt from the king of pain himself, Chris Brown.

Rihanna, you’re 0-1, but it’s time to make a comeback. It’s not a question of if Chris Brown will attack you, but when, so you have to be prepared. Admittedly, Chris has you beaten in pure punching power, but you’re not hopeless. He’s stronger and weighs more, but the fact that he’s fighting a woman will give you the ability to out-maneuver him with some fancy footwork.

I’m not angry that you would take Chris Brown back as a boyfriend, but I won’t forgive you if you don’t get in there, AND SCORE SOME POINTS! Remember, winning a fight isn’t about knockouts, or submissions, it’s about landing punches. A mixed-gender match with such a weight discrepancy is abnormal, but if you can get in a few shots, and avoid his strikes, you could win by decision.

Think of how the public feels that you would be nearly killed by your boyfriend then take him back. That’s the sort of fatigue, and hopelessness you need to make Chris feel. Step, step, step, and never stop moving. Don’t let him land a punch. Let him swing wildly to tire himself out. Most of all, defend yourself at all times! Get your hands up and block those punches!

Get out there and set an example for your millions of impressionable fans. Address all the young women of the world and tell them to never back down from a fight. Tell them that it’s okay to let a man beat a woman, but giving up on a relationship with an abuser makes you a quitter.

Broken noses, and broken hearts; this is what a young girl needs to know is acceptable. Don’t be afraid to forfeit your livelihood by letting Chris Brown permanently ruin your looks. Kids love a pop star with detached retinas and a broken occipital bone. It gives your face character.

“I wanted to destroy something beautiful.” - Ed Norton in ‘Fight Club’

Tenacity counts for something, and America hates a coward. Even when the odds are against you, you have to take a shot. At some point, a young girl out there will be slapped by her boyfriend, and want to leave him. Then she’ll think back to Chris Brown and Rihanna, and give him a second, third, or even fourth chance. And when she has to miss work because of a black eye, or a split lip, she’ll know from your example that there’s no reason to do otherwise.

Someday, somewhere, out there, a woman will think of you Rihanna, as she’s being beaten to death by her husband. As she’s being stomped, strangled, or even kicked in the head, the world will begin to fade, and she’ll know that Rihanna taught her that men who beat women are okay, and staying with them is the right thing to do. There’s nothing wrong with having your skull caved in, as long as it’s by someone that was already convicted of beating you.

When you care about someone, it’s worth letting them shed your blood in a fit of blind rage. That will be your legacy.

There are only three billion men in the world, and you picked the right one to stick with. Chris Brown is ready to defend his title Rihanna, NOW GET IN THERE AND FIGHT!