Jonas Polsky

Bush-era tax cuts for the rich are now permanent.

Children have to register as “straight” or “gay” by their third birthday.

Traffic signals will change colors at random.

Cops have to wear those shoes that look like gloves.

All MP3s will become Bruno Mars’ “The Lazy Song.”

Sex offender registry will be deleted.

Televised talent shows will now be muted whenever the judges speak.

The death penalty is repealed in all states.

iPhones no longer have text capability, you have to call everyone.

Chick-fil-a will be closed every day, except Sundays.

Women taking group photos can’t make the “Charlie’s Angels” pose.

Known terrorists allowed in and out of country for free on American Airlines.

White people are required to say the “n-word” once per hour.

Adult book stores and strip clubs can open inside public schools.

No more “Saw” sequels.

Postal workers have to wear camouflage capris, or jorts.

Businesses won’t accept competitor’s coupons.

Heterosexual parents can no longer hug, or encourage their children.

Actors in insurance commercials can be hunted for sport.

Ellen Degeneres is now President of the United States.