Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

Tonight I watched the first forty-three seconds of the new television series “Are You There, Chelsea?”. At that point, I paused, thought about whether or not I wanted to continue watching, and stopped.

The part of the show I saw was a character relating the experience of getting drunk, drinking and driving, and then being arrested. After she was arrested she fires a few pointed insults at a very large female inmate who then confronts her.

At this point, I turned the show off.

In storytelling, I would say the goal is to keep the viewer engaged and wanting to learn more. In this case I wanted to know less, and had an overwhelming urge to make the story end.

If I had to describe the feeling this program gave me, it would be “The opposite of an orgasm.” I don’t know that the show is specifically designed to transmit evil, but I could definitely feel my body filling up with darkness.

I interpreted my sense of dread as a desire to no longer experience “Are You There, Chelsea?”. Admittedly, forty-three seconds is not a long time, and I did not give the show much of a chance, but I had to escape the suffocating cloak of unhappiness and despair.

Perhaps I am not the target audience for this show, which is likely people who are arrested for drunk driving, and can’t think of anything hilarious to say to their cellmates. As far as I can tell, the entire show takes place inside a jail cell where two women are about to interact, while a third woman wearing a hat sits on a bench and ignores them because she’s an extra.

“Are You There, Chelsea?” could very well follow the plot of “Hogan’s Heroes” where a mysterious “Chelsea” ferries inmates in and out of the cell so they can continue to receive DUIs, and hand out insults. I will never be able to prove, or disprove this theory.

If I have one suggestion to the makers of this program, maybe Chelsea should make her whereabouts known sooner in the pilot. Otherwise viewers will be ill at ease, wondering if Chelsea is there, or if she ever makes her location known. Of course, the determination of whether Chelsea is there or not may be a surprise that they are saving for the season finale.

D-