Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

Last night Dane Cook “popped-in” and ruined a show at the Laugh Factory. The intrepid TJ Miller took umbrage, and reported on Dane’s “stand up” which echoed across the cyberverse.

Dane’s set included criticizing audience member’s hairlines, disturbing “material” that was more of a hate-filled spiel, and a dreary look into his attitude towards the sexual conquest of his “fans.”

Why was the quality of Dane’s set so poor? Where was the polished material that Su-Fi enthusiasts are so accustomed to? More importantly, why do we hear so many stories of famous comedians ruining other people’s shows?

And therein lies the answer:

THEY DON’T CARE, BECAUSE IT’S NOT THEIR SHOW.

Established comedians frequently “pop in” and deliver an unfunny rant, run the light, and get walk outs. Why not? They have nothing on the line. They haven’t sold a ticket, their name isn’t on the marquee, and most importantly, those aren’t their fans.

Who cares if the audience has a bad time? All those non-famous comedians can mop up while you evaporate up Sunset Boulevard in your stretch Hummer. The comedian that pops in and disappears has zero accountability. You don’t approve their stage time, and they can come back to do it again whenever they want.

Why are we so helpless in our ability to control a “famous” comedian? They are well known, but the rules of stand up still apply. Go onstage for an agreed upon amount of time, and if you go beyond that time, or fail to get laughs, you will be yanked off. All the tools are there, flashing a light, turning off a mike, or in the worst case, turning off the mike and stage lights.

At the end of the day, the comedy club is running a business, and they call the shots. Why do they let comedians show up unannounced? Is there a Dane Cook drink special, where all the drinks triple in price? No, they make exactly the same amount of money that was already in the register.

Yes, they want to be associated with talented comics, but how far does it go? Head shots are on the wall, names are painted outside, and they regularly perform sold out shows at your venue. When does the pursuit of that associated prestige end? I know Dave Chappelle considers this his home club, but does he have to always be there? Should you let Louis CK sleep in the broom closet?

As a comedy club manager you probably wouldn’t allow that. You’d tell Louis to sleep somewhere else, and come back when the club was open. A comedian only has value to a club when they are helping them sell drinks, not when they’re sending customers into the street, or incoherently rambling in a stupor.

How can Dane Cook get stage time without crashing TJ’s show? Let’s take pop ins out of the equation and find an equitable solution. Dane wants to talk to a crowd, and this club has a crowd in it. Announce to the crowd that the “Dane Cook Show” is starting after the scheduled show is over. Dane can still go up and have a horrible set, but the other comics that have been promoting the show all week aren’t penalized, or embarrassed by his inability to get laughs.

GO BOOK YOUR OWN SHOW.

Another alternative, why not book your own show? It would probably take most famous comedians about ninety seconds to book their own night, where they can have an eleven hour set, throw drinks, and smash guitars. Then the club can determine if that behavior is appropriate and allow them to return, or be banned.

It is Hollywood, but in comedy being a celebrity isn’t everything. Fame is interesting, but talent is something else altogether.

Let celebrities go up on their own time, and succeed or fail on their own merits. If you want to book the “Alec Baldwin and Steve-O” comedy night, go ahead, and leave real comedians out of it.

The day everyone requires famous comedians to book stage time in advance is the day that they go back to focusing on getting laughs, and not wrecking the evening for your customers.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: I have an admitted bias in this situation because I’ve met TJ and he’s awesome, in spite of the fact that he looks like Frankenberry if he started peddling Adderall to the other General Mills cereal monsters.)