Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry resigned from the race today. Perry’s reason for dropping out was to allow him to “Spend more time with Jon Huntsman.”

Perry has denied rumors that he was fired by Mitt Romney.

One of Newt Gingrich’s ex-wives came forward today and said that Newt had asked her to have an “open marriage.” Newt also requested that if he’s elected president, he wants the option to take the night off and be president of Puerto Rico.

A high school in Utah is getting rid of their “cougar” mascot after the board feared it could be offensive to middle-age women. The school has issued a new vote, and the mascot will be named either the “Skanky Hags” or the “Slutty Grandmothers.”

A man with two hearts was rushed to the hospital when both hearts went into cardiac arrest. Doctors think the man will recover soon saying, “He has a lot of heart.”

The man was worried he was having two heart attacks when he felt like two elephants were sitting on his chest, and both of his arms began tingling.

Wal-Mart has announced a contest that would allow customer’s inventions to be sold in the store. So far the only inventions they’ve received are a dozen filthy children, and eighty pounds of crystal meth.

This just in, other inventions that have been submitted; a jumbo-sized flyswatter for smacking children, a thong with built-in bottle opener, and a sleeveless Snuggie for the summer.

A woman in Washington state went into labor and gave birth while stuck in an elevator. The woman said the giving birth while stuck in an elevator was bad, but it could have been much worse. Like, what if that fantastic elevator music hadn’t been playing?

A man in Thailand was married to his dead girlfriend in a combination wedding and funeral ceremony. The man had her sign a prenup stating, “You can’t be too careful.”

In Burbank, a woman was arrested for offering sex to McDonald’s customers in exchange for chicken McNuggets. One man involved was arrested after he whipped out his McRib.

A man in Pennsylvania with a staph infection tried to rob a casino by threatening to put his hands on the slot machines and walls. It just underscores that gambling really is a disease.

(Total research/writing time 58 minutes, 51 seconds)