Jonas Polsky

Dear Ms. Deschanel,

Your beauty and angelic voice have been a comforting ray of sunshine cutting through the darkest shadows of my life. I’m enamored with your hilariously quirky acting roles, and I’m so attracted to you I feel that we must be soulmates. If we weren’t meant together in this life, maybe the next.

But life is too short, and I want to tell you this now before it’s too late. I’d like to propose to you…

Zooey Deschanel, will you bury me?

When I die I want Zooey Deschanel to personally bury me. It fills me with so much happiness when I dream of being laid to rest by the one and only Zooey Deschanel. Just imagine…

There I’ll be at the cemetery (totally dead), in my best suit, perfect hair (or a wig) with plenty of makeup on, looking healthy and alive.

Then two cemetery workers will carry me out on a cloth stretcher. Standing there, in the hot summer sun, with a cute hat and a shovel, is film and television actress Zooey Deschanel. She’ll adorably dig my grave and once I’ve been lowered in (without the obstruction of a coffin) Zooey will begin the arduous process of personally filling my grave with dirt.

Not only will Zooey complete my grave, she’ll complete me emotionally.

The sun is shining down, and there is Zooey, toiling away in the most dreary form of manual labor. She could make an adorably spooky observation, or sip on a whimsical lemonade. After her totally cute break, she continues shovelling, and as my lifeless corpse is peppered with dirt clods, and further obscured from view, my soul will look down at the scene and feel contentment.

I can’t imagine dying without knowing you’ve agreed to bury me Zooey. Please answer soon so we can make the arrangements for your involvement in my inevitable death.

<3,

Jonas Polsky