Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

(Writing a cover letter for all two of the different jobs you apply to each week can be a real headache. Speed up the application process with this pre-written cover letter that is compatible with any and all queries, for any position or industry.)

Hey Person At Place I’m Applying,

I saw or heard about a job opening with your corporation, internet start-up, or Marxist co-op, and couldn’t wait to contact you about it.

My storied education speaks for itself, or complete lack of formal education depending on whether you consider schooling to be a state-run brainwash factory that would make someone unsuited for this position.

My work history may appear too robust, or completely nonexistent, and you’re probably thinking I am perfectly suited for this position, or not qualified, or applying by mistake, but I assure you, I possess all the skills necessary, and more to excel at this job.

You may be skimming my cover letter at this point, but I’m familiar with Microsoft Outlook, Microsoft Tercel, and A Dolby Photoshoot. I type sixty words per minute, and can lift objects up to forty pounds when required, or all the time. I’m also well suited for tasks not listed in the ad, or to be determined by a supervisor at a later date.

I’m thrilled with the chance that God, or a non-theological entity has provided to me today. I can’t wait to work alongside you in the office, and/or work from home, or from a fortified outpost in Egypt.

My resume is attached, or has been mailed separately via certified courier.

Signed,

Person That Sent This