Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

So, you’ve decided to do stand up comedy for the very first time. Here is everything you need to do to prepare, and some advice on what not to do.

Before we begin, ask yourself, “Am I funny?”. If the answer is not an enthusiastic “Yes!”, don’t bother with stand up. If you’re not funny already, stand up comedy will be a miserable, confusing waste of time. Find another hobby.

Stand up comedy at it’s core is very simple. Here are all the things you need to do to perform.

1. Write a joke

You can’t perform stand up without a joke, so write down all the funny ideas you can think of, and arrange them into “jokes.” Now arrange these jokes into a list, the two funniest jokes you have will be at the top and bottom of the list. These are your “opener” and “closer.”

It’s critical that you get a laugh as soon as you start your set, and right as you close it, so those are your most important jokes.

The first joke I ever told was “My father used to beat me… at chess.” It worked.

A good joke will make you laugh every time you think of it. Don’t try to do stand up until you have a list of jokes that you find very funny.

2. Rehearse

Take that list of jokes and say them over and over in the set list order until you have them memorized. Write down a list of just the key parts of the joke, or first two words that will remind you of what it is. For example, a joke about taking a pizza to your doctor could be listed as “Doctor Pizza.”

Rehearse your entire set until you know exactly how you’re going to deliver each joke, and how long it takes. Most one-liner jokes take about twenty seconds to say, so you’ll need three jokes to perform for one minute.

Your delivery is almost meaningless at this point, don’t try to do crazy faces or character voices, just focus on emphasizing the parts of the joke that need emphasis. “I gave my DOCTOR a PIZZA!”. That’s about all you need to know at this point.

3. Find a venue

If your town has a comedy club, or bars, or a coffee shop, you can find stage time. Google the name of your town and “open mike” or “open mic” and you will find a weeknight show that offers a stage to anyone with a pulse. And that’s exactly who you will see at this show. Find out about their sign up process to get a spot. It usually means contacting them and requesting one, or attending the show and asking for a spot at an upcoming date.

4. Get ready

I recommend that comedians always dress up a bit for a comedy show. Put on a clean outfit, shave, do your hair or whatever gender-specific grooming you normally engage in. When you step onstage the audience is going to size you up, and if they see an unkempt slob, you may have trouble overcoming that in your quest for laughter. Looking nice will also give you some confidence, which you will need desperately when the show starts.

4. Go to the venue

This is your very first time, so show up early. These shows are going to be a mess, so get there early, locate the host of the show and find out when you’re slated to go up. Read your set list and go over your jokes in your mind until the show is almost ready to begin.

Take a seat in the crowd and keep in mind what spot you are performing in. As your spot gets closer, get up and get into a position that you will be able to reach the stage easily and in an appropriate amount of time. Struggling to walk past people as your name is repeatedly called by the host is no way to start a set.

As you watch the comedian before you perform, you will be overcome by a wave of terror. You’ll experience dry mouth, runny nose, insistent bladder, sweating, or any number of horrible feelings as you wait to take the stage. You’re panicking, and that’s totally normal. Put on some chapstick, have a sip of water, take some deep breaths and when you hear the MC say your name, stride confidently onstage.

5. Perform stand up

You’re just seconds away from doing stand up, but first, you need to be able to amplify your voice. Reach for the microphone, and remove it from the mic stand. Hold the mic close to your mouth, raise the volume of your voice slightly and speak clearly. Do not gesture with your mic hand as the audience will not be able to hear you.

If the mic stand is between you and the audience, move it to the left, or the right. This may sound like a minor detail, but someone indecisive about removing the mic, or having the mic stand right in front of you makes you look stupid. Trust me on this one.

You have the mic, and the audience’s attention. Do not comment on the mic, do not comment on the lighting, do not comment on the crowd, don’t talk about anything but your set. Say, “Hello, my name is X” but of course no one cares what your name is, and now say your first joke.

This is where your rehearsing pays off. Unlike all the other comedians at this show, you have memorized your set perfectly, and now you’re just repeating an act you’ve told dozens of times, and it may feel like you’re on autopilot.

After you’ve told your first joke, stop for a “beat.” This lets the audience know (for good or ill) that you’ve delivered the punchline, and it’s their turn to laugh. If you hear a laugh, congratulations, you’re a comedian, if not don’t despair, you have several other chances to get one.

Bombing on a single joke is not the end of the world. If you tell ten jokes, and get four laughs, you did alright. Don’t give up on the act if the first joke bombs, ignore the audience’s silence and begin the next joke. Keep doing this until you’ve told all of your jokes, or a light or other indication from the MC lets you know your set is over.

If you find that you can’t remember your next joke, reach in your pocket and take a look at your set list. This is not a cardinal sin, and all the audience wants you to do is fill the silence with a joke, so don’t make a big deal out of it.

It’s not uncommon for comedians to not use the entire amount of time allotted for their set, and that’s okay. Whenever you’re done say goodnight, or thank you, put the mic back in the stand, shake the host’s hand and take your seat back in the crowd.

Tips on getting laughs:

No joke is guaranteed to get laughs. If you tell a joke one-hundred-times, it can work ninety-nine-times, and bomb once. That’s the nature of comedy; it’s an art, not a science. The key to stand up is presenting the audience with “opportunities” to laugh.

With each moment and each word, you must be building towards a laugh. If a story has a funny segue, a punchline, a funny character name, and a funny action, that joke has four opportunities to laugh in it.

“Speaking of speech impediments, my cousin No Legs lives in Sandwich-ville Missouri, and he works at a napkin-folding factory. He hates lunchtime, because he can never find a clean napkin!”

In that example there are five chances for an audience member to laugh. If they ignore four and laugh once, it’s still a joke. If they laugh at all five, you killed. Your jokes don’t have to be filled with details like that, but keep the attitude in mind and give listeners as many opportunities as possible to get laughs.

You may go onstage and fail to get a single laugh, and that’s okay. That’s why it’s an open mike, the comedians have probably only done stand up a few times, and they suck. No one is expecting some amazing set from you, but if you find that you’re not getting many laughs, ignore it, keep your chin up and continue delivering your jokes.

Congratulations, you did it, and you can now scratch “stand up comedy” off of your bucket list.

Here’s a list of things to avoid your first time out:

DON’T videotape your set. No matter what you do, your first set is going to be an embarrassment. Don’t record it.

DON’T drag your friends to the venue. Same as rule number one, you’ll likely embarrass yourself, and better to have as few witnesses as possible. Take a friend, but don’t drag your parents or the entire office out to see you.

DON’T tell someone else’s jokes. People are going to recognize that you just did a Chris Rock bit, and performing jokes you found online will only lead to misery. Only tell jokes that you wrote.

DON’T lug a bunch of crap onstage. You can live for five minutes without your cocktail and a tape recorder, and a hat, and a notebook. Nothing funny about watching someone organize their junk on a stool.

DON’T come up with a stage name. You don’t have to decide what you’ll be called for the rest of your life today. You have zero talent at this point, so telling the host your name is “J-Quizzle The Crowd-Crusher” is just going to embarrass you.

DON’T over-perform. You’re not going to reinvent comedy, so keep it simple. Tell your jokes, and keep the backflips, stage dives, dancing and any other idiocy out of it.

DON’T expect compensation. From your first open mike you are about three years away from any type of pay, so put it out of your mind.

DON’T talk to other comedians about your career plans. You don’t have a career, you have a dream, and no one wants to hear about your dreams.

DON’T improvise. Focus on what you memorized, and stick to that. The jokes you planned out are your best shot at getting laughs. In future sets you can make off-the-cuff remarks, but not tonight.

DON’T heckle or cause a problem during the show. This is the first time any of these comics will see you, and you’ll likely perform with them for years. Be on your best behavior, don’t get wasted, and don’t disrupt the show.

DON’T engage a heckler. If someone shouts something during your set, ignore it and keep plugging along.

DON’T fool yourself into thinking you’re a great comedian already. You’re bad. Go in there with humility, and come out the other side with your dignity.

Bonus Info: OPEN MIKERS ARE SKETCHY

People that perform stand up at open mikes are generally delusional, have no money, and no job prospects. I started doing stand up because my life was going nowhere, and a decade later it still isn’t. The people you will see at these shows are going to be a little on the sketchy side, some will be living out of their cars, or into drugs. So expect to run into weirdos and keep your distance.

This is the basic information to get you started. As you continue performing, keep an eye on what other comics are doing that works, and ask questions of comics that you admire. I hope this information helps, and enjoy yourself.

Related:

Absolute Beginners: Your Second Open Mike
http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/15921251788/absolute-beginners-your-second-open-mike