Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

A Vancouver woman had her Facebook account suspended after a picture of her breastfeeding her baby was flagged as “sexually explicit.” Facebook commented they were concerned the baby appeared to be under the age of eighteen.

In the meantime Facebook has obscured the woman’s breast by photoshopping in a giant head of lettuce.

Here in LA, a sheriff’s deputy was arrested after trying to smuggle heroin hidden inside a burrito into the county jail. Okay, that explains why Chipotle raised their prices.

Fortunately the drugs were identified at the jail’s mandatory “Burrito Search Checkpoint.”

Scientists believe a new hormone pill could allow people to get in shape without exercise. Americans responded, “Great, do they deliver?”.

A frog smaller than a dime, found in New Guinea is being hailed as the “world’s smallest vertebrate.” The frog is so small, it’s already the subject of cyberbulling.

They knew the frog was small when it tried to catch a fly with its tongue, and the fly carried the frog around the room.

Murder has been dethroned as the number one cause of death in America, and replaced by the respiratory disease “pneumonitis.” The upset occurred when several of America’s most prolific murderers died from pneumonitis.

A group of researchers are claiming that working 40 hours per week is not normal. “Yeah”, said unemployed people, “Neither is ZERO.”

The group suggests that 21 should be the new workweek, but it’s a gamble because if employers didn’t double-down on 21, the economy may go bust.

A man in western New York robbed a bank while described as the Incredible Hulk. Tellers weren’t able to describe the man aside from saying he seemed really, really angry.

A study shows older people are still working. The primary cause for this was previously young workers, who simply refused to stop aging.

In New Jersey, Lucy a two-and-a-half-pound Yorkshire terrier has set a world’s record for being the world’s smallest working dog. Yeah, the dog is the CEO of “I’m The World’s Smallest Dog, Incorporated.”

In order to validate the claim of smallest working dog, New Jersey officials checked the dog’s tax returns and found that many of Lucy’s business associates had ties to organized crime.

The dog was so small, it was discovered being smuggled inside a burrito along with heroin.

(Total research/writing time 57 minutes, 48 seconds)