Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

Happy Never Year, impending suicides!

I’m Jonas Polsky, and I’m here to help wrap things up for you after you’ve shocked a hotel maid tomorrow morning! You’re ready to kill yourself, but wait a minute. Are you forgetting something?

To-Do lists suck, and there may be one or two things you’ve put off doing while trapped in an endless spiral of despair and paralyzing self-hatred.

That’s where I come in! Jonas Polsky is a licensed Suicide Service-tician, and I can help tie up any of those loose ends for you while you make the space voyage to Valhalla, or wherever you choose to go.

No matter what your situation is, you probably have a few bucks laying around in the ol’ checking account, or items at home you can cash in before offing yourself. Don’t let THE GOVERNMENT or RELATIVES have that money for no good reason. Send it to me and I will complete any of the following tasks:

1. Crank calls - I’m pleased to call up and harass people that wronged you, and caused you grief in this life. Imagine the look on your landlord’s face when I call and say; “Jerry killed himself, BECAUSE OF YOU!” ($20 dollars per call)

2. Break car windows/Vandalize stuff - Got an enemy that doesn’t believe in ghosts? Let me challenge that preconception by vandalizing their home or place of business! ($45 dollars plus cost of supplies)

3. Reminders - I can write a letter each month to anyone who passed you over for a promotion, took your parking spot, or even turned down your offer for marriage. “He really loved you, you know.” ($15 per letter/or $120 for an entire year)

4. Visit Paris/Grand Canyon/Etc - Don’t forget, I can complete a happy activity that you just never scratched off the ol’ bucket list. This includes stealing award statues, exposing Banksy, or just pinching a celebrity’s butt in a crowded night club. (Cost varies based on airfare/hotel rates)

But it doesn’t end there, virtually anything you can think of, I’ll do after you’re dead, for cash! I’m happy to:

Shove a child
Set stuff on fire
Visit Universal Studios Florida
Urinate on doorknobs
Send out embarrassing mass emails
Bet your rent deposit
Visit your gravesite
Kidnap a pet

The power is yours to make an impact, from beyond the grave! Don’t let suicide keep you from doing something awful to people that are still alive!