by Jonas Polsky
If you’re living the high-octane express-lane lifestyle, you know that meeting women to screw can really soak up a lot of time that could be better spent bragging about yourself, or shopping for clothes on your smartphone.
But don’t think you have to spend like thirty minutes trying to get a woman into bed. Just like your no education/no experience required sales job, getting chicks is all about closing.
Phase 1: Always Be Cold-Calling
Finding a women you want to screw is as simple as flipping through a lingerie catalog and voting “Would Bang” or, “Wouldn’t Bang.” All the information you need to know about a woman you can learn by looking at them and checkin’ out their bod.
But unlike selling solar panels over the phone, you don’t start off with a woman’s phone number, which is why you need to hit the bricks, and aggressively demand their contact info.
Tip: Enter her contact name into your phone as “Baby” or “Hot Lady.” This way you won’t have to fumble around with her proper name, which may be hard to remember and pronounce.
Keep the conversation short. Yell things like “Hey! What’s your number?” at women you see on the street. Life’s too short for pickup lines, either she’s gonna give up the number or she’s wastin’ your time. Small talk is for fags.
Phase 2: Asking Her if She Wants to Bang
Now that you have a way of contacting her, you’re 90% of the way there. All you have to do now is keep texting/sexting her until she agrees to meet up at 4am.
Sample Message: Want 2 fuck L8R? ;)
This type of message is great because it’s not too aggressive, gets your point across, and the wink emoji lets her know you’re being flirty.
Sometimes a woman will play hard to get, by texting back things like, “Who is this?” or “I’m married.” The response for any and all negative responses is, “Cool, are we gonna bang?”. This reinforces the idea of you and her having sex, and ignores the obstacles she’s creating with her committed relationship, and other stupid excuses.
Phase 3: Turnover
The women you’ve intimidated or conned into relinquishing their phone number for your virtual harem rolodex now fall into two categories:
1. Women you’ve already had sex with, and there’s no point in having sex with them again, because why?
2. Women who haven’t texted back that they want to bang, probably because their phone is out of minutes, or whatever.
Texting women at 11am on a Tuesday to see if they want to hook up is going to result in a lot of churn. Remember to ask any and every decent-looking woman for her number to replenish your list, and don’t let that wedding ring or occupied stroller slow you down.
Remember, having a conversation with a woman is for losers. The only thing you need to say to a woman is “get into bed” or “we’re done having sex, get out.” If she wants to talk about her feelings, tell her to call Dr. Phil.
Phase 4: Staying Motivated
Let’s face it, sex isn’t about a biological need to procreate and sustain a species, it’s about gettin’ points up on the ol’ scoreboard. Every day that you spend not having meaningless sex with a virtual stranger is a day wasted, bro.
There are a lot of squares out there who would rather find a woman they’re emotionally compatible with and have sex with her all the time, like in a full-time relationship. But not you, bro, you’re all about the hunt!
Remind yourself that all this extra effort of constantly chasing tail and trying to find new women who you haven’t hooked up with yet is part of your NOS-injected, energy drink chugging “existence.”
There are three billion women on the planet. Imagine if you catcalled all of them! You could probably get laid like 80 times! And remember, if they ignore your shouts, honk the horn, if they pretend not to hear the horn, shout “DYKE!”, and peel out.