January 2012
47 posts
4 tags
Jonas Polsky - Suicide Service-tician
by Jonas Polsky
Happy Never Year, impending suicides!
I’m Jonas Polsky, and I’m here to help wrap things up for you after you’ve shocked a hotel maid tomorrow morning! You’re ready to kill yourself, but wait a minute. Are you forgetting something?
To-Do lists suck, and there may be one or two things you’ve put off doing while trapped in an endless spiral of...
December 2011
36 posts
1 tag
A Morning Of Joke Inspiration
by Jonas Polsky
Jokes spring to mind often when you least expect it. Generally a joke will bubble up based on a movie, or something I’m daydreaming about. It’s infrequent that it springs from something tangible, but it happened three times today and I thought I’d share the observations, and process.
“I wish I had a six-hundred-dollar phone to complain how broke I am...
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Understanding Comedy Writing: "Hack" Punchlines
by Jonas Polsky
Not all punchlines are created equal. Some are repeated for decades, handed down from father to son. Others are scoffed at, and immediately forgotten. The difference between the two is dependent on the effort put forth by the comedian.
On one end of the joke spectrum is “original”, at the other is “hack.” A “hack” in the purest sense of the...
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The Worst Twitter Memes of 2011
by Jonas Polsky
Let’s gather around and say farewell to the worst twitter memes of 2011. These are the cookie-cutter tweet formulae that have readers rolling their eyes, with the cursor hovering dangerously over the unfollow button.
If George Lucas is right, this could be our last year enjoying twitter, so as we livetweet the end of the world, let’s annoy each other less by...
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A Guilt-Free Guide To Ignoring Kwanzaa
by Jonas Polsky
Here’s the truth about Kwanzaa. Yes, Kwanzaa is a “black” holiday, but the odds of anyone in America observing it are slim and none. So why do (white) people go to such lengths to be inclusive of it, or assume black people celebrate Kwanzaa?
In the last few decades political correctness has brainwashed Americans into equating the omission of a Chanukah or...
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Do's and Don'ts in the style of VICE
by Jonas Polsky
I am angling for a job at VICE, primarily in the “Do’s and Don’ts” department, so here are a collection of photos from the site with my own captions.
GET AT ME, VICE.
“Hey, I’m the special needs stunt double for Juliette Lewis.”
1992 called. They blocked the number.
Alternate: “I bet you and I have a lot of annoying things...
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Mission Impossibler v5
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Mission Impossibler v4
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Mission Impossibler v3
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Mission Impossibler v2
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Mission Impossibler
“I got a parking ticket, but I’m on unemployment, so I’m going to pay...”
– Jonas Polsky
2 tags
Why I Don't Celebrate Christmas
by Jonas Polsky
I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or Thanksgiving. Or for that matter, my own birthday. People don’t like to hear that, and it’s awkward to explain why. It’s not due to any religious beliefs, or even my own cynicism. For me holiday celebrations are a bit of a logistical problem.
My biggest problem with celebrating a holiday is that I don’t get along...
5 tags
Open Letter to Zooey Deschanel
Dear Zooey Deschanel,
For years I’ve been following your very public film career and have recently developed an emotionally taxing crush on you. Three months ago I was laid off from my job, and my present earnings include unemployment benefits, and eighty-five-cents which I found while walking to Target.
While looking for a solution to my financial problems and a way to satiate my...
“In a world where idiots are millionaires and intellectuals starve, the only sane...”
– Jonas Polsky
2 tags
Focus Group Responses For The @robdelaney Pilot
by Jonas Polsky
I’ve intercepted the focus group comment cards from the forthcoming @robdelaney show on Comedy Central. Here is their exclusive feedback for your perusal.
“Loved the show, only change I would make is to replace the host.”
“Loved the host, just wish he’d been doing and saying totally different things.”
“The title of the show is...
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My Daring "Hello Giggles" Submissions
by Jonas Polsky (I’m a girl btw)
SUBMISSION #1
Hey Kim Kardashian, do you want to be my mom? I think you’re a really good person.
(photoshopped image of me hugging Kim Kardashian)
SUBMISSION END
SUBMISSION #2
Corporations, are you looking out for the public interest? LOL!
(photoshopped image of me in front of a corporate headquarters)
SUBMISSION END
SUBMISSION #3
I have so...
2 tags
Why Rejection Exists
by Jonas Polsky
With every passing moment of every day, someone is being rejected. They’re being shut down for a date, denied a job, or not getting a door held open for them. Being rejected is a horrible feeling, and although I’ve spent most of my life trying to avoid situations where I can be rejected, I’ve endured more than my fair share.
In middle school a girl I was...
3 tags
7-11 advertainment tube/art installation.
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In Defense Of 'We Bought A Zoo': A Primer
by Jonas Polsky
Filmgoers are already dismissing the upcoming zoo-flick “We Bought A Zoo” as another forgettable footnote in the crowded zoosploitation genre. What they don’t know is that it’s probably the year’s most important movie about a family acquiring a paid animal exhibit.
What could at first glance be another run of the mill zoo-centric ownership tale may...
5 tags
'Ridiculousness' Laptop: The Hard Facts
by Jonas Polsky
In order to convey just how ridiculous the videos on ‘Ridiculousness’ are, Rob Dyrdek built a ridiculously huge custom laptop for the show.
As millions of fans from around the world sent in questions about the laptop, I compiled the following list of ridiculously true facts about it.
Cost: $34 million USD Weight: 2,200 pounds Processing power: 40 quintillion...
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Wheezing The Juice: Gremlins 2-Style
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Jonas Polsky For President
by Jonas Polsky
It’s morning in America. The Republican presidential race is wide open, and I’m gunning for the 2012 nomination. Through the use of steroids, we can make America strong again. Here are the details of my campaign platform.
Public schools become full-time bible study.
Immediate deportation of all non-whites.
Rich pay no taxes, everyone else paid with drinkable-ish...
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I made this.
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Twitter Amnesty Day
by Jonas Polsky
Today is Twitter Amnesty Day, and it’s a celebration. “A celebration of what?”, you may ask. A celebration of your freedom to read and follow whoever you want on twitter.
You’re in charge of your twitter console and you can follow as many, or as few people as you like. In the realm of twitter comedy, quality is not absolute. Sometimes a person will have...
5 tags
Progression In Stand Up
by Jonas Polsky
I started doing stand up a little over twelve years ago, and after a few months I noticed something about the established local comics.
They always did the same act.
Once a comic found eight to ten minutes that worked, they stopped writing. After they graduated from open mikes, they essentially laminated their act and never changed it.
When you run into these comedians the...
2 tags
I'm On Twitter!
In case anyone reading my tumbles isn’t aware, I also post jokes on twitter under the handle “Jonas Polsky.”
Come join the fun!
https://twitter.com/#!/JonasPolsky
9 tags
Simplifying Grammar For The Internet Age
by Jonas Polsky
If you spend more than a few minutes on the internet you’re bound to stumble upon someone being violently corrected for their improper use of grammar or spelling.
The two most misused sets of homonyms in our modern “on-the-go” world of social networking are Your/You’re and Their/They’re/There. Misuse of these words whip grammarians into a...
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Unused Taglines For The 1992 Film 'Encino Man'
by Jonas Polsky
Last year, the marketing director for Hollywood Pictures died under suspicious circumstances. He was found clutching an envelope containing never before seen promotional material for ‘Encino Man.’ Was he murdered to prevent these unused taglines from going public?
ENCINO MAN
Frozen In Time. Late For Class.
The Iceman Numbeth.
He’s Just Warmin’ Up.
...
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The Limits Of Human Ability And Life's...
The Limits Of Human Ability And Life’s Ever-Deepening Complexity, Or Why Being Alive Is Pathetic And Crazy
by Jonas Polsky
Life isn’t simple. You have to meet people, express ideas, and perform a job for an abstract currency. Eating, sleeping, and finding entertainment can be all-consuming pursuits, and that’s the bare minimum of what passes for human life. With each passing...
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“By the year 2021, the government will offer tax breaks to businesses that hire...”
– Jonas Polsky
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Understanding 'Ridiculousness'
by Jonas Polsky
WARNING! GIANT LAPTOP ALERT!
Hey everybody, check it out. MTV’s got a slammin’ new show called ‘Ridiculousness.’ If you haven’t already “Binged” the show to check out exclusive promos, here are the official deets.
‘Ridiculousness’ is television’s first “braincast”, where viewers can plummet directly into...
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Teach me how to Doogie
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Unsolicited Onion Headlines 12/4/11
by Jonas Polsky
Infomercial Picked Up For Second Episode
Moonlight Strangler Sidelined By Arthritis
Absentminded Family Loses Dog, Reward Money, Home
Southern California Secedes From Mexico
Guy Who Always Says ‘MILF’ Hit By Bus
Adopted Clone Searches For Biological Self
‘The Internet’ Goes Digital
Dented Can Of Corn Loses Paternity Suit
Study: Happiness Linked To...
What I Ate Today 12/1/11
by Jonas Polsky
This morning I woke up this afternoon. A few hours later I had a red plastic cup of Life brand cereal with Silk brand soy milk. At 4:41pm, I went for a walk. On my way out the door I ate four plain or “milk chocolate” M&Ms.
When I got back from my walk, I heated up a can of Progresso “Chicken Tortilla” soup. This was garnished with Pepperidge Farm...
