February 2012
21 posts
2 tags
Tattoo A Tweet On My Face
by Jonas Polsky
Okay guys, I decided last night to get my first tattoo, and I like twitter so much I figured it should be a tweet. I want to show my devotion to twitter by having a tweet immortalized on my face. The only problem is, which tweet should I get, you guys? It can be any tweet, from anyone, but I need you to help me pick a really good one.
The tweet will be tattooed under my...
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Target versus "Showrooming"
by Jonas Polsky
This morning at the gym, I saw a newspaper* open to a business story about Target’s “fight” against the practice of showrooming. I had no idea what “showrooming” was, and gave it a look.
(*Did you guys know that newspapers are still around!?)
As it turns out, Target is complaining to vendors that customers visit their stores to demo products, then...
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Thoughts On Joke "Originality"
by Jonas Polsky
It was once said that “great minds think alike”, but I think someone had said it prior to that. As a comedian, or joke writer, you will find that people have already said, or will subsequently say jokes that you have thought of. There are an infinite number of possible jokes, but someone else’s mind will seize on the same angle, or punchline that you do.
...
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Understanding Comedy Writing: The Fallacy Of...
by Jonas Polsky
You can’t make this stuff up! Or can you?
Many stand up comedians shun the telling of jokes, preferring instead to relate true stories about their real life experiences. I don’t know everything about comedy, but so far I’ve never seen a comedian get an applause break for being honest.
Here’s something you may not know. Comedy is fake. Everything in...
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My Pathetic 'Borderlands' Misadventure
by Jonas Polsky
Last Summer I bought a copy of the game “Borderlands.” I had two options when buying it, for twenty dollars I could buy a downloadable copy of the game, or for thirty I could buy it at the store. The downside of downloading it is you can’t resell it when you’re done. The extra ten dollars would allow me to resell it, and net me the “Game of the...
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Jonas Polsky Investigates: DJ Douggpound
by Jonas Polsky
Call me DJ Quickening, but there comes a time in every man’s life when he must take a break from referencing the 1986 film “Highlander” and stick his neck out for a head-chopping comedy interview that’s an electrifying cut above the rest. He’s America’s premier Comedy Deejay and the planet’s foremost expert on musical humor; the one and only DJ Douggpound. Never one to be...
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The Pitfalls Of Professional Criticism
by Jonas Polsky
A critic is a person who provides an analysis on a work of art, be it a movie, book, album, or performance. Critics take their reviews very seriously, and are often the subject of criticism themselves, by the public, or creators of the art being reviewed.
Culture and critics alike appear to have lost sight of the function a review serves, and whether we should have them at all....
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Chris Brown vs. Rihanna: THE REMATCH!
by Jonas Polsky
“Love is a battlefield.” - Pat Benatar
Word in the celeb-o-sphere is that Rihanna has resumed dating Chris Brown after their explosive initial bout in February of ‘09. In this pre-Grammy mixed-martial arts event, Rihanna was humiliated on a worldwide stage after Chris Brown, punched, bit, and ultimately knocked out the Barbados-born scrapper. When the dust...
“First, do everything you have to do. Then do everything you want to do....”
– Jonas Polsky
Anonymous asked: Don't undersell yourself about "not having a popular Twitter feed". You have thousands of followers. You're sometimes included in "Best of" lists. Some important comedy writers follow you. And you consistently produce funny material each week. Stop fretting (openly) about stars. It comes off as needy (not funny). No one wants their arm twisted to laugh at or indulge a...
"Star" Wars
by Jonas Polsky
I’m not that popular on Twitter. I know that, and that’s fine. That being said, if I get 9+ stars for a tweet, it’s a big deal. I’m not a personality, I don’t share anything about my life. I’m in it purely to get laughs. Each star represents a laugh. If I post a tweet that gets two stars, then four people that did not star tell me they loved...
The Greatest Literary Transition of all Time?
(This is an article about a bill to prevent transgender people from using restrooms in Maryland. Here is the final paragraph, which then transitions into a different subject.)
“Let’s keep this simple: Transgender people should be allowed to use the public restrooms according to their gender identity. If they do something wrong while in there, they should be reported to the police....
“I’m not looking for attention, I’m looking for laughter.”
– Jonas Polsky
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Double-Booked
That’s a lot of Cee Lo Green.
3 tags
Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Con
by Jonas Polsky
Last summer, Awesome Show fans were traumatized by the absence of a fifth Awesome Con festival at Seaport Village in San Diego. Now Tim and Eric have a hit movie, new season of “Brule’s Rules”, and plenty to crow about! If it was up to me, this would be the schedule for the 2012 Awesome Con!
Farewell Roast of Richard Dunn
Fight back the tears of laughter, as...
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Unintended Consequences of Prop 8 Repeal
by Jonas Polsky
They warned you that legalizing gay marriage in California would have unintended consequences, but you didn’t listen. Here’s how your ignorance has changed life in America, forever.
Bush-era tax cuts for the rich are now permanent.
Children have to register as “straight” or “gay” by their third birthday.
Traffic signals will change colors...
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Seinfeld Trivia
Kramer is very protective of his tan jacket that he claims attracts women. After stealing it back from his mother’s ex-boyfriend in “The Nose Job”, Kramer trades the jacket for what?
BONUS: What is the name of the episode that Kramer trades the jacket?
More trivia; Seinfeld has 180 episodes, every episode begins with the word “The” except one. What is the name...
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Unsolicited Onion Headlines 2/5/12
by Jonas Polsky
Biden Scores Another Free Denny’s Entree With Fake Birthday Scam
Wall-Less Prison Experiment Goes Horribly Right
Aziz Ansari Enters Self-Esteem Rehab
Gingerbread House Foreclosures Surge
Woman Pushing Truck Up Freeway Looked Scared
Horrible Flight Improved By Crying Baby
Non-Violent Video Games Linked To Pacifism
Super Bowl Viewer Eager To Learn More About...
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My WTF Podcast Petition
by Jonas Polsky
I started a petition for Marc Maron tonight, the details of which are below. If you agree, please click the link and “sign” and/or reblog/reshare this post. Thanks.
Dear Mr. Maron,
I am a devoted fan of your podcast “WTF with Marc Maron.” I’ve discussed the show many times with friends, and absolutely EVERYONE I’ve spoken to echoes the...
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"Jay" Apatow - The Power of Nightmares
A young Judd Apatow as Jay Leno on the second episode of “The Ben Stiller Show.”
January 2012
47 posts
3 tags
Seinfeld Intro Evolution
by Jonas Polsky
In the first two seasons of “Seinfeld” the show had a different opening theme than the jazzy bass-driven one we now know. The first incarnation of what would become the now iconic theme is introduced alongside their first non-helvetica logo in the season three opener, “The Note.”
Interestingly, this intro features a female vocalist “scatting”...
People Freaking Out Over Pie Charts
“Your blog is a collection of images and things other people have written. You do...”
– Jonas Polsky
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Unsolicited Onion Headlines 1/28/12
by Jonas Polsky
Dented Can ‘Fully Aware’ That No One Wants To Buy It
No Cathartic Speeches Delivered At High School Reunion
Rappers Control 95% Of World’s Wealth, Fly Bitches
Advertisers Switch To Unscripted Reality Commercials
Woman That Totally Wasn’t Here First Cuts Line
Creatively Bankrupt Porn Industry Churns Out Sequels, Remakes
Woman Befriends Coworker She...
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My "Are You There, Chelsea?" Pilot Review
by Jonas Polsky
Tonight I watched the first forty-three seconds of the new television series “Are You There, Chelsea?”. At that point, I paused, thought about whether or not I wanted to continue watching, and stopped.
The part of the show I saw was a character relating the experience of getting drunk, drinking and driving, and then being arrested. After she was arrested she fires a...
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Gotham City Impostors: Caveat Emptor
by Jonas Polsky
I played the 360 beta for “Gotham City Impostors” today for about two hours. It’s a pretty interesting semi-team-based multiplayer game set in the Batman universe.
One feature that stands out is the player’s ability to attack from above, via the glider, trampoline jumps, or grappling hook. Unlike most shooters where you’re simply checking the...
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"Seinfeld" Audience Members Anonymous
These images are from two separate episodes of “Seinfeld.” My best guess is that they’re in the witness protection program.
They probably saw Larry David murder someone.
Hatman
In all seriousness, how radical would it be if the guy on this bike wasn’t wearing a hat?
Dog picture v1
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Disturbing Images From 'The Seinfeld Chronicles'...
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Unsolicited Onion Headlines 1/21/12
by Jonas Polsky
Math Nerd Receives Some Award
Criminally Negligent Parents Misplace Child
Exploited Overseas Laborers Continue With Boo-Hoo Sob Story
Beauty Contest Introduces ‘My Day’ Storytelling Category
Judge Orders Dog Show To Include Disguised Cats
Local Business Parks Hit By Deforestation
Suicide Bombs Linked To Mideast Hearing Loss
US Navy Introduces Aircraft...
“I attract readers like dogs attract cats.”
– Jonas Polsky
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Bone Thugs-n-Harmony Mnemonic
by Jonas Polsky
It happens to all of us. You’re trying to recite the members of Cleveland’s fast-rapping ensemble “Bone Thugs-n-Harmony” but can only remember three or four of their names.
“Krayzie Bone, Skull-n-Bones? Uh, Funny Bone?”
Argh! It’s on tip of your tongue! The human brain isn’t perfect, and sometimes critical info, such as creators...
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Comics Behaving Badly: TJ Miller's Not-So Isolated...
by Jonas Polsky
Last night Dane Cook “popped-in” and ruined a show at the Laugh Factory. The intrepid TJ Miller took umbrage, and reported on Dane’s “stand up” which echoed across the cyberverse.
Dane’s set included criticizing audience member’s hairlines, disturbing “material” that was more of a hate-filled spiel, and a dreary look into...
5 tags
1-Hour Monologue Challenge 1/19/12
by Jonas Polsky
Presidential hopeful Rick Perry resigned from the race today. Perry’s reason for dropping out was to allow him to “Spend more time with Jon Huntsman.”
Perry has denied rumors that he was fired by Mitt Romney.
One of Newt Gingrich’s ex-wives came forward today and said that Newt had asked her to have an “open marriage.” Newt also requested...
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1-Hour Monologue Challenge 1/18/12
by Jonas Polsky
Police in Los Angeles discovered a severed head, along with a pair of severed feet and hands in a local park. Detectives believe the victim may have been involved in a game of “Twister” that turned violent.
158 Peace Corps volunteers are being evacuated from Honduras for safety reasons. As is normal in times of unrest the Peace Corps will be replaced by an equal...
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Wes Anderson's Broken Record Player
by Jonas Polsky
Fans of Wes Anderson will not be surprised by the striking similarities in the tone and look of his newest film “Moonrise Kingdom” with his previous outings. I do love Wes Anderson, but I think he’s spent enough time and money trying to transport viewers to the same narcotic 1976 daydream we’ve seen so often before.
We’ve seen plenty of inscrutably...
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Top Two Greatest Comedy Albums (That Have Natasha...
From a survey of our readers we’ve compiled the ultimate list of the Top Two Greatest Comedy Albums That Have Natasha Leggero On the Cover.
#2 Natasha Leggero - “Coke Money”
and coming it at #1, rounding out the list is Todd Barry - “From Heaven”!
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My Proposal To Zooey Deschanel
Dear Ms. Deschanel,
Your beauty and angelic voice have been a comforting ray of sunshine cutting through the darkest shadows of my life. I’m enamored with your hilariously quirky acting roles, and I’m so attracted to you I feel that we must be soulmates. If we weren’t meant together in this life, maybe the next.
But life is too short, and I want to tell you this now before...
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Pre-Written Cover Letter For All Occasions
by Jonas Polsky
(Writing a cover letter for all two of the different jobs you apply to each week can be a real headache. Speed up the application process with this pre-written cover letter that is compatible with any and all queries, for any position or industry.)
Hey Person At Place I’m Applying,
I saw or heard about a job opening with your corporation, internet start-up, or Marxist...
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Translating Kim Kardashian
by Jonas Polsky
I took a break from my Proust and Faulkner today and read an article about Kim Kardashian.
At the Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais had some rather nasty observations directed at everyone’s favorite Kardashian, and Kim totally found out about it. Here are her statements via publicist, with a translation explaining the real situation.
“Kim is able to laugh at...
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Absolute Beginners: Your Second Open Mike
by Jonas Polsky
Congratulations, you have performed at your first open mike. Here’s the good news; that was the hardest set you’ll have in your entire life. The reason is that you had no idea how those jokes would work in front of a crowd. From now on you’ll continually build on the strength of jokes you know work, so your first set was as “risky” as comedy ever...
Drunken Amaya: Phost Grotocol
by Jonas Polsky
I was really intrigued by this “joke”, and decided the drunken message should be deciphered, and saved for comedy posterity.
Initially Amaya’s left hand is properly situated on the “home row” and those characters are being recorded properly. The right hand, however is off by one, resting on KL;’ resulting in imprecise keystrokes. Later in the...
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Unsolicited Onion Headlines 1/14/12
by Jonas Polsky
Bank Of America Introduces ‘Account Inactivity Fee’
Newly Single Spambot Looking For Fling Tonight
Feral Cat Population Threatened By Neutering
Abstinence Blamed For Decrease In Sex Tourism
Employee Deaths Linked To Rampant Mortality
Teen’s Big Day Spoiled By Hubris
Suicidal Car Triggers Own Alarm In Cry For Help
Comedy Fans Offer Seth Rogen $20 Million...
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Chick From 'Delocated' That's Cute
oh no, this is the redhead from ‘Whitney’??? NOT CUTE.
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IMDB's Secret Haunted Free Movie Page
by Jonas Polsky
A few months ago I went to watch the trailer for “Confessions of a Superhero” and instead found that you could watch the entire movie on IMDB.
For free.
It’s not exactly advertised, but IMDB has a page where you can watch full-length “movies.” The word movies is in quotes because most of the page represents B-movie and C-movie dreck that they...
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Absolute Beginners: How To Do Stand Up
by Jonas Polsky
So, you’ve decided to do stand up comedy for the very first time. Here is everything you need to do to prepare, and some advice on what not to do.
Before we begin, ask yourself, “Am I funny?”. If the answer is not an enthusiastic “Yes!”, don’t bother with stand up. If you’re not funny already, stand up comedy will be a miserable,...
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Comedy Theory: Telling Stories Versus Pure Stand...
by Jonas Polsky
There are two different approaches to stand up comedy. One involves precise writing and rhythm, the other is going onstage and talking about whatever comes into your head. One approach is thought of as for beginner’s only, the other is considered the ultimate endgame for performing stand up.
There is no glory in writing comedy. All the excitement and fun happens...
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1-Hour Monologue Challenge 1/12/12
by Jonas Polsky
A Vancouver woman had her Facebook account suspended after a picture of her breastfeeding her baby was flagged as “sexually explicit.” Facebook commented they were concerned the baby appeared to be under the age of eighteen.
In the meantime Facebook has obscured the woman’s breast by photoshopping in a giant head of lettuce.
Here in LA, a sheriff’s...