by Jonas Polsky
I hated the first scene of “Iron Man 3”, then the second, then the third, and slowly realized that “Iron Man 3” was sucking right before my eyes.
It’s hard to believe that it’s wholly inferior to the much-reviled second installment. It’s not even as good as Tony’s scenes from “The Avengers”, which I would have rather rewatched than sit through “Iron Man 3.”
Here’s why it sucked:
Mindless collection of androids that appear solely as an advertisement for toys.
Like the child who puzzles over the “Polar Ice Rocket Attack Batman” figurine, the audience only learns in the third act why promos for “Iron Man 3” have featured nearly a dozen versions of the Iron Man armor. It’s because it’s a soulless advertisement for toys.
(Also, they should have called it “Audi presents: Iron Man 3.”)
Tried to incorporate “Extremis” with the Mandarin and butchered both.
“Extremis” is arguably the best Iron Man storyline, and by screwing up the details, and multiplying a single unbeatable Extremis enemy into a half-dozen, it’s no surprise that it didn’t work.
Don’t get me started on the Mandarin. (spits)
Iron Man armor fails and is made fun of too often.
It’s normal for the Iron Man armor to lose power, or some aspects of functionality so Tony has a challenge, but this is just ridiculous. The suit probably breaks down a dozen times in the movie, if not explodes off of Tony with a single hit. He’s IRON MAN! His ingenious armor makes him a hero, if that armor doesn’t work he’s not Iron Man, and if so why is this movie called “Iron Man”?
Everything that was good happened in the trailer and “sneak previews.”
Probably would’ve enjoyed the Stark mansion attack and Air Force One rescue a bit more if I hadn’t already seen it a million times.
Opens with Eiffel 65’s “Blue”(???) and manages to get worse from there.
My jaw dropped when the Paramount logo was assembling to this awful song. WHY?
The “jokes” didn’t get any laughs.
One or two jokes got big laughs, but for the most part fell flat to a silent audience.
The whole point of a super hero story is to present them with a seemingly impossible situation, and they come up with a brilliant solution that you didn’t expect. For weeks I wondered how the Air Force One rescue would be resolved, and watched it sputter to a close with no explanation.
Post-credits “Secret” scene.
Okay, the falafel scene in “The Avengers” was funny, but don’t jerk me around. If you don’t have anything to add, there’s no reason for a “bonus” scene.
Only decent things that happened:
Tony’s improvised intrusion kit, which was cool, but out of place.
When Tony was waiting on the parts of the suit to arrive and he was maneuvering with one gauntlet and one leg.
Guy Pearce before his transformation: He was awesome looking and sounding, and I would’ve preferred he stay that way instead of becoming a second-rate Hammer clone.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs. They weren’t too shabby.
Overall Iron Man was a mindless disaster. I think when Jon Favreau quit, he took the heart and wit of the series with him.
Hopefully Tony can make it up to us in the next Avengers…