Jonas Polsky

*that didn’t air

One joke did make it into the roast, here are the rest.

BRUCE WILLIS

Bruce Willis has starred in 6 “Die Hard” movies and 1 GOOD “Die Hard” movie.

– the next “Die Hard” movie is going to premiere on those little TVs at gas stations.

Thirty years ago, Bruce Willis starred in “Die Hard.” – And now he refuses to die, and can’t get hard.

Bruce Willis has starred in more than 80 movies – and in some of them he acted.

Bruce Willis was fired from “The Expendable"s when he demanded four million dollars, but was only offered 3 million dollars.

— they decided to not give you the money because your role in the movie was – geez what’s the word? – "Superfluous”?

Demi Moore left Bruce Willis for Ashton Kutcher. Did you wake up that day and think “Dude, Where’s My Wife?”

– Be honest, did you think you were being Punk’d?

– It’s not her fault, Demi Moore is attracted to men with absolutely zero talent.

This year Bruce starred in “Once Upon a Time in Venice” which went direct to DVD. The movie performed better than expected – someone was drunk at a Redbox kiosk and accidentally rented it.

Some actors can communicate without saying a word. Everything about Bruce Willis screams, “I can’t wait to vote for Trump AGAIN.”

Bruce, let’s face it: You haven’t starred in a hit movie since you had hair.

Everyone is here tonight to celebrate the career of Bruce Willis. I haven’t watched someone get jerked off this much since Louis CK.

– I haven’t been this annoyed since the last time I heard Michelle Wolf’s voice.  

Kevin Smith isn’t here tonight because Bruce DISINVITED him. That’s pretty ballsy – burning a bridge with the LEAST POWERFUL director in Hollywood.

– In fairness, Hollywood only casts Jason Statham when they can’t afford Bruce Willis – and also when they want someone who isn’t an asshole.

Bruce Willis has tremendous range. He can play an angry guy, a sad guy, or a sad angry guy. It’s incredible.

Bruce Willis has been known to phone it on on every occasion.

– Even Keanu Reeves is like, geez this guy isn’t trying very hard

Bruce Willis, you used to be white hot, now you’re just WHITE.

It’s crazy to think that millions of people are watching this right now – frantically googling “Who is Bruce Willis?”

Bruce Willis always looks like he’s thinking about a dead body that the police haven’t found yet.

Bruce Willis is known for looking very rugged (checks paper) – sorry DRUGGED.

You know, Bruce. I’ve never seen an actor more deserving of an Oscar, and I’ve also never seen an actor who looks more LIKE an Oscar.

Bruce’s charity is the Ashton Kutcher film preservation society.  

In 1987, Bruce recorded a cover of the song “Under the Boardwalk” which incidentally is where Demi Moore blew Ashton Kutcher for the first time.

Some people say that at 63 Bruce Willis is TOO OLD to be an actor – mostly his agent.

– and his fans.

The first night that Ashton Kutcher got anal from Demi Moore he shouted, “Yippie K-Y, motherfucker!”

Bruce, we have to know: what does it feel like to have the same career trajectory as Haley Joel Osment?

Can you imagine Ashton Kutcher making a sex tape with Demi Moore? If you can’t just watch (holds up phone horizontally and shows it to Bruce)

JEFF ROSS
This is a very special night. This is the one night a year that Jeff Ross has somewhere to be.

Jeff Ross has the body of a man who thinks marijuana is ONLY available in brownie form.

Jeff Ross is the only person who smokes weed to cover up the smell of patchouli oil.

Jeff Ross is kind of like Donald Trump. Unjustifiably confident, always seems a little confused, and he hates Mexicans.

People think that Jeff Ross can’t act, but backstage I heard him rehearsing for his next role, he was saying “Mm, mm, yeah. Lemme chug your cum.”

Jeff Ross is in show business the same way that Dom Irrera is in show business.

NIKKI GLASER
The only way Nikki Glaser can meet with a TV executive is if she matches with them on Tinder.

Nikki Glaser does things her own way. She’s the type of woman who barricades the door and fingers herself in front of Louis CK.

I’m not saying she’s lazy, but one time Nikki Glaser fucked Harvey Weinstein to GET OUT of an audition.

JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT
Many of you may recognize Joseph Gordon Levitt from the movie “Inception” which was about – (turns to Joseph) what WAS that fucking movie about?

– Y'know, don’t bother trying to explain it, we only have four hours.

Joseph Gordon Levitt has a look that appeals to two demographics: 12 year old girls and 65 year old gay men.

I saw Joseph Gordon Levitt at a party once, but I was really disappointed because it turned out to be Dave Franco.

THE DAIS/THE SHOW
Some of comedy’s littlest names are here.

Take a look at that dais. They’re the absolute best comedians that we could find on Craigslist.

Thank you for coming on such short notice, all the good comedians cancelled at the first minute.

We have a very diverse dais tonight. Different people, from different walks of life, but they all have one thing in common – they’ll do absolutely ANYTHING to be on television.

If you’re not familiar with a comedy roast, let me explain. A dozen comics you don’t recognize, tell a bunch of jokes you’ve already heard, to a TV audience that isn’t watching.


CYBILL SHEPHERD
For anyone watching who was born after 1978, I’d like to introduce you to Cybill Shepherd.

For the purpose of this next joke, Cybill Shepherd is an inspiration to women everywhere.

– Hey guys, guess which inspiration to women everywhere sucked A BUNCH of cock in the 80s?

I’m not saying she’s old, but Cybill Shepherd has been blowing Harvey Weinstein since he was a baby.

DOM IRRERA
Dom Irrera is the only person who came here tonight via UberPool.

– just kidding, Dom Irrera can’t afford an Uber – he walked here.

Dom Irrera is taking the night off from selling Ambien to Roseanne Barr.

Dom Irrera always looks like somebody spiked his drink.


LIL REL HOWERY
Lil Rel is starring in a movie based on a Pepsi commercial. What’s the matter?

They couldn’t come up with a shittier idea?

You may remember Lil Rel from SORT OF being in “Get Out.”

Like many of us, Lil Rel doesn’t know why he’s here, or who he is.

ED NORTON
Ed Norton starred in “American History X” – a stunning portrayal of the average Trump voter.

Edward Norton is here. Ed Norton is taking the night off from burning every bridge in show business.

– Brad Pitt has Ed Norton’s phone number saved as “Don’t Pick Up”  

Edward Norton was going to have a HUGE career until everyone realized he was Edward Norton.

Edward Norton has a reputation for changing the script of the movie he’s working on. Ed, you should be like Bruce Willis. He doesn’t even know WHAT’S GOING ON in the fucking movie.

After clashing with Ed on the set of “The Incredible Hulk” Marvel gave the role to Mark Ruffalo. I wouldn’t sweat it. How much has Mark Ruffalo made playing The Hulk? Like 30 million dollars?

– you can make that in like – twenty more movies.

KEVIN POLLAK
Kevin Pollak, who many of you remember from when he was in “The Usual Suspects” for two seconds.

For those of you that don’t know, stand up comedy was nearly ruined in the early 90s when clubs booked way too many shitty comics.

Kevin Pollak when were you doing stand up? Early 90s? Yeah.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079Q72RW4

Hey Louis,

Time’s up.

For years, female comedians have shared stories of your inappropriate behavior, the whipping out of your dick, the blocking of doors, and the forced viewing of your masturbation.

Unfortunately, the clock has run out, and it’s time for you to talk about it.

With each passing day, famous film executives, talent agents, and directors are being exposed for their rape, or general sexual coercion of vulnerable women and men, and I can’t foresee a future where you aren’t the next headline.

Publications and websites are frothing at the mouth for another sex abuse scandal, and someone is probably writing about you as we speak. You had the awful judgment to create a movie about borderline statutory rape that comes out next month, which can do nothing but shine an even brighter spotlight on your sexual misdeeds, almost guaranteeing your further exposure and (justified) criticism.

The age of “open secrets” has abruptly ended, and it’s time for you to take action. I first heard these “rumors” probably five years ago, they haven’t gone away, and it’s only going to get worse for you. Your best and only hope, is to publicly apologize, right now.

Five years ago, you had the option to respond. It’s not optional anymore. You have to respond. The only question is: will you be responding before or after your face and the word “rapist” is on the cover of the New York Times? Because at that point your response may go unheard, and your career will be undoubtedly ruined.

I think you’ve done a horrible thing. I don’t see how Tig Notaro or Jen Kirkman (and many others) could benefit from falsely accusing you, and there’s no reason to doubt their stories. You can’t explain away undoing your pants and masturbating in front of someone. That’s not an accident, and it’s not a misunderstanding. It’s a horrible, ugly thing to do to a person, and you should be ashamed.

Go public. Explain to the world that you’re a piece of shit, promise to never do it again, and be done with it. Your career will be harmed (which is fair), but it will be salvaged.

The reason I’m suggesting this, is because I don’t want to see your legacy be destroyed. I’m a huge fan, and for weeks I’ve had the debate of “separating the art from the misdeeds” (which is the subject of your stupid movie) and I don’t think I can do it. When someone asks me who my favorite comics are, I don’t want there to be an asterisk next to your name. Don’t force your fans to be rape apologists. That’s not a club I want to be a part of.

Hiding behind your imaginary shield of “I didn’t touch them, so technically it wasn’t rape” hasn’t worked on comedy fans, and it’s not going to work when the general public hears about it.

Or, don’t do it for your fans, do it for your daughters. Your daughters probably don’t want to grow up in a world where their father is no longer a famous comedian, but a known sexual predator. What could you say to them if someone pulled out their dick and forced them to look at it? To touch it? What possible anger could you muster?

Stand up for them, stand up for their rights, and make amends.

Time’s up.

Signed,

Jonas Polsky

You’ve probably heard the expressions “the house always wins” and “the casino has an edge.” Both of these expressions are saying the same thing: casino games are designed to always win over time.

What is a casino edge? In short: the casino payout odds are always less than the likelihood of the player winning.

Every casino game is built on math. The games are carefully designed for the math to always be in the casino’s favor, meaning over the long-run, the casino will always come out ahead, and the player will always come out behind.

Because math never changes, it’s a mathematical certainty that the casino will always win in the long-run.

How does the casino edge work?

Imagine that I open a casino, where all I do is flip a coin. The payout of my coin-flipping casino is 1:1, meaning whenever a player bets a dollar and wins, I pay them two dollars. In the short-term, I may flip the coin a few times and it lands in the casino’s favor or maybe in the player’s favor, but in the long-run a coin flip will average out to heads 50% of the time and tails 50% of the time.

This means that my coin-flipping casino is a break-even operation. I will break even at the coin-flipping tables, but my expenses like payroll, utilities, and rent will cause me to lose money.

But casinos aren’t designed to lose money, they’re designed to win money. This is where the casino “edge” comes in.

Pretend one day you show up at my coin-flipping casino and learn that I have changed the rules. You used to bet a dollar and win two dollars, but now you bet a dollar and win back your original dollar, along with ninety cents. I have fixed my casino to introduce a casino edge, and now it will be profitable forever.

Would you ever take a proposition where you win less than you wagered? I know I wouldn’t.

It’s less obvious with casino games, but that’s exactly how the casino edge works. You are always risking more money, to win less.

But wait, you may be thinking “I can walk into any casino in the world, and bet a dollar on a hand of blackjack, and they pay me two dollars! I come out ahead!”

It’s designed to look that way, but ask yourself: are you going to win a hand of blackjack 50% of the time, like a coin flip, or are you going to win less than 50% of the time? The answer is that you will win a hand of blackjack about 46% of the time.

That “insignificant” 4% difference is enough to make a casino millions and millions of dollars.

If the casino game were designed to be break even (like flipping a coin) you’d be paid more than 1:1 on every hand of blackjack, but you aren’t.

Odds and Outcomes

When thinking about casino games, it’s important to not confuse the odds of the outcome, and the odds of winning.

A human being can be either dead, or alive. This is 50/50. But what are the odds of you dying today? Probably one in a few million. The outcome is 50/50, but if the actual odds of dying were 50/50 then the world’s population would decrease by 50% every day, and we know that it doesn’t.

The outcome of a roll of dice are 50/50, you either win or lose, but the odds could be 20:1. So never think that the odds of winning any casino game is as good as a coin flip, because they aren’t.

Casino Edge Illustrations

What if every time you borrowed $100 dollars, you only paid back $98 dollars? It’s a small amount each time, but if you do that enough, eventually you will be rich. This is how the casino edge works, and why casinos are open 24-hours a day.

Here’s another example. You’re sitting at a blackjack table with a few hundred dollars in chips. Imagine if every time you won a hand of blackjack, the blackjack dealer swiped a nickel from your chips when you weren’t looking. That’s basically how the casino edge works, even when you win, you’ve actually lost a small amount due to the casino’s edge shaving off a little bit of your money.

This nickel may seem insignificant, but because the casino is doing it every single hand, 24 hours a day, even on Christmas, they are winning an incredible amount of money.

But wait! What if you are betting ten dollars a hand, and suddenly increase your bet to $10,000 dollars and win! You’ve beaten the system, right?

Nope, because the casino edge dictates that you win 1:1 on a less than 50/50 proposition. Yes, you may be ahead for that visit to the casino, but the casino edge is keeping a small percentage of your bet even when you win. So even though the casino loses sometimes, their small advantage allows them to be profitable in the long-run.

It doesn’t matter if someone bets a dollar or a million dollars, the casino comes out ahead, because just like on the one dollar bet, the casino should be paying the million dollar bet better than 1:1, but the casino edge dictates that they don’t.

Let’s take a look at how the casino edge is built into common table games:

Craps

In craps you can bet that you’ll roll a 6 or 8 and get a payout of 9:1. Sounds great right?

The actual odds of this outcome are 10:1. If the casino pays 9:1 they win, if they pay 10:1 they break even, and if they paid more than 10:1 they would lose money.

By offering odds of 9:1, it means that the casino will always come out ahead.

Slots

Slot machines often advertise their payback percentage, like “95% Payback.” What does this mean? Does it mean the player will win 95% of the time? No. It means for every dollar you put into a machine, it will eventually spit out 95 cents.

That “eventually” could be ten hours from now, or next month, because the machines are mathematically programmed to pay out once they have received a set amount of money.

When a player hits a jackpot on a slot machine for $95,000 dollars, it means that machine collected $100,000 and kept 5%.

Taking any amount of money someone offers, and always keeping 5% would be a great business on its own, and this is just one part of the casino.

Roulette

Clearly betting red or black on a roulette table is a 50/50 proposition right? Nope. Every single game is designed with a casino edge, and for roulette it’s the two green spots on the wheel, 0 and 00.

So most of the time players betting on black and red will break even (just like a coin flip), except when the ball lands on 0 or 00 when all of the red or black bets lose. This 2 in 38 chance is enough to give the casino an edge on the red and black bets, ensuring that they will always come out ahead.


You can’t go anywhere in a casino and find a game that was mathematically devised to give the player an advantage. That’s not why people invest hundreds of millions of dollars into a casino, keep them open day and night, and offer free drinks, food, and hotel rooms for players to sleep in.

Casinos were designed to win, and that’s what they do. You can always get lucky and win today, but if you return the following day and the day after, you will lose. It’s math, and math is constant.

Now, if you want to go to a casino and “have some fun,” I say go for it. But keep in mind that no matter what you do or think, no matter what strategy you deploy, the casino edge is always there, and in the long-run the casino cannot lose.

Hey, if you’ve found this, you’re playing the idle/incremental game Foodpia Tycoon, and like me, probably had a hard time understanding it.

I put together this Foodpia FAQ and guide to share what I’ve learned through trial and error.

HELLO BOSS!

Pro Fame Tip

I’m putting this tip first, because it’s so important. If you want to play Foodpia at the professional level – as I do – here’s what you want to do.

Level up your fame by a factor of 1000 per branch, and you will coast through the game.

Example:

Branch 1: Earn 1 Million Fame, then open a new branch
Branch 2: Earn 1 Billion Fame
Branch 3: Earn 1 Trillion Fame
Branch 4: Earn 1 aa Fame
Branch 5: Earn 1 ab Fame

It’s kind of a grind to get the first million, but once you do, stick with this method of earning the next denomination of fame before opening a new branch, and you’ll see that your fame will snowball from branch to branch, making it very easy to buy expensive upgrades.

Level Up Faster (with Rebuilding) - The “Pit Stop” Method

A few cities in, the game will introduce “Rebuilding.” Rebuilding allows you to collect your current fame, and spend it right away. 

Here’s how the Pit Stop method works.

1. Build up to 99% of the fame required to open a new branch
2. Select “Rebuilding”
3. You are now earning 2x your previous profit
4. Let this branch build up at least 5x+ the amount of fame you had when you hit 99% before. (Example 1aa becomes 5aa)
5. Open a new branch. This is your “Pit Stop” branch that you will quickly leave.
6. When you open this branch, you will be earning 10x what you initially had. Get it up to 99% like in the first step and use Rebuilding again.
7. Now you are earning 20x of your original profit.
8. Stay on this branch until you get bored, and then return to step 1.

Logic would tell you to stay on every branch as long as possible to get the most fame boost on the next branch, but using the “Pit Stop” branch to briefly pause and then double your already doubled profit will speed the game up quite a bit.

Is Foodpia Pay-to-Win?

Foodpia is an idle game that clearly wants you to spend money in the cash shop, but never forces you to. I have been playing Foodpia daily for over a year (cries internally) and I’m only just now hitting a point where it’s hard to progress.

You can maximize your Foodpia experience without spending real-world money by doing the following things:

1. Earn way more fame than required before opening the next branch. I get into it into detail later, but just know that if Foodpia wants you to earn 100 Fame, earn 500 fame and THEN open the new branch. Fame is your next branch profit multiplier, and the more Fame you earn each branch, the better off you’ll be down the line.

2. Spend Rubies WISELY. The game will give you around 80 free rubies per day (you’ll get around 180+ per day with later unlocks). Rubies are the game’s premium currency, and you can use them to buy Recipe Pieces (never do this), Chefs (always do this), or earn extra money (do this if you’re an impatient jerk like me).

Chefs are the most valuable item in the game, so invest your rubies in purchasing them. Keep reading to learn more about Chefs.

Foodpia wants you to burn through your Rubies, so you can buy more in the Cash Shop. Spend Rubies wisely and you’ll have plenty to buy cool stuff without forking over real money.

Watching Ads

You can play this game for free, but to get all of the perks, you’ll have to “watch” (wink wink) ads to get them.

You’ll be asked to watch an ad to get TV Time bonus (2x profit for 4 hours), to get 5x profit for “Party Time” (mini game where you play the guitar), or when you click a Lightplane (red plane that flies across the screen).

You can watch TV Time ads 6 times a day (for a total of 24 hours) and then if you want, watch up to 40 additional ads for bonuses. Beats paying.

What are Recipe Pieces?

Recipes unlock speed bonuses, and reduce the cost of upgrading each restaurant. You can earn recipe pieces from Lucky Boxes. The odds of getting a duplicate recipe piece is EXTREMELY HIGH, so never purchase a Lucky Box/Recipe Piece for 60 rubies, because you will mostly likely wind up with a 5 ruby duplicate piece bonus for your trouble.

I don’t know exactly, but from my experience, I’d say you probably have about a 60% chance of unlocking a duplicate. See rule #2, and never buy a Lucky Box for rubies.

Golden Box

Golden Box works just like a Lucky Box, except it ALWAYS gives you a new piece, and never gives you a duplicate piece. You can buy this for 250 rubies (DON’T), or unlock it via achievements.

What is a New Branch?

Every city has 5 branches. When you’ve completed 5, you move on to the next city. When you open a new branch, your earned fame becomes a profit multiplier. New Branch is important to use when you aren’t earning enough to purchase more upgrades. It’s going to boost your profit and let you unlock more expensive restaurant upgrades and levels.

When you click New Branch the board gets cleared, and you have to rebuild all of your restaurants.

Whenever you open a new branch, you get a permanent profit multiplier. Whatever your current fame is gets doubled, and becomes the multiplier. This happens on every branch EXCEPT the second branch, which for some reason is 4x (probably to help new players get started).

Can I Go Back to My Old Branch?

NO. There’s absolutely no “going back” in this game. The only way to get back to your first branch is to uninstall and start the game over. On the “World Map” screen you can click “branch” to “view” your old cities, but it upgrades to new “Steps”, so it’s always going to look like your current city. However, any buff you are earning from this old branch will be viewable on this screen.

What is a New Branch?

How does new branch work? It’s sort of like “prestige” in Call of Duty. You “restart” the game, but you keep all of your chefs and recipes, and you get a giant profit bonus, which only gets bigger with each successive new branch. Also, each branch provides a buff to a specific restaurant

The game starts in Seoul, Korea, and when you look on the “World Map” you’ll see that the restaurant has a total of 5 stars available. Each time you open a new branch, one of those starts lights up. When all 5 stars are lit, you move on to a “new” city. (“New” is in parentheses because everything is the same except the map will be a different color, and the city’s landmark changes)

Where is the New Branch Button?

New Branch is under the “World Map” button. World Map is in the bottom righthand corner of the Foodpia city screen. It’s just above the 1/10/100/Max button. It’s a little picture of a globe with a plane on it. You’ll be able to open a new branch when the button is blue. When the button is orange, you will need to earn more fame to advance.

There’ll be a number on the new branch button. That’s your “Obtainable Fame” (I’ll explain what this is later). In the top lefthand corner is a green crown with a number next to it. This is your “Target Fame.” (I will also explain this below)

To open a new branch the Obtainable Fame needs to exceed the Target Fame.

What is Fame?

Fame is a secondary currency in Foodpia that you earn through upgrades. Each upgrade you purchase will allow you to earn more fame, which is linked to the amount of profit you’re earning. Say for example you have an upgrade for “1% Fame” that means you’ll earn 1% of whatever amount of money you’re currently earning. It’s confusing, I know. Just know that you’ll be passively earning fame so long as you’re earning money.

When you open the Upgrades tab, there will be “Normal” and “+Special.” Special upgrades are only accessible after you’ve opened one new branch, and can only be purchased with fame.

Target Fame and Obtainable Fame

Target fame is the amount of fame you need to earn to be able to open a new branch. Obtainable fame is the amount of fame you’ve earned for this branch, AND the amount of fame you’ll have to spend when you open the next branch.

Say you’ve earned 1 million fame. When you open the next branch, you’ll have 1 million worth of fame to spend and you’ll need to earn more than 1 million before you can open your next branch.

Example: You earned 300aa fame in your last branch. When you open the new branch, you’ll have 300aa of fame to spend on upgrades. BUT, in order to progress to be able to unlock the next branch, you have to earn more than 300aa to advance.

Note: As the game progresses, you’ll need increasingly more fame to open the next branch. Instead of requiring you earn 100% of the previous branches fame, you’ll start needing to earn 110% and then more with each branch.

Fame for First New Branch

After about an hour of play, the game will award you with one point of fame, and then encourage you to start a new branch. (This basically signals the end of the tutorial). You could start a new branch at this point, but you won’t have enough fame to unlock Special Upgrades. Special Upgrades can only be purchased with the fame you earned in the LAST branch, so if you upgrade with 1 point of fame, you’ll be short of the 50,000 fame points required to unlock Special Upgrades.

The end result is you probably won’t unlock Special Upgrades until your third or fourth new branch. And keep in mind, even though you have the 50,000 points of fame, you can only spend 20% of it on upgrades. Basically, the more fame you earn per branch, the better off you’ll be.

Rebuilding

As if this game wasn’t confusing enough, a few cities in it introduces “Rebuilding.” Rebuilding allows you to get a profit bonus without opening a new branch, and instantly converting any earned fame into obtainable fame.

IMPORTANT: You can’t use Rebuilding if you’ve already earned enough Fame for the next branch. So as long as the New Branch button is a percentage, you can use Rebuilding. After that, it becomes locked until the next city/branch.

What is Rebuilding? In a nutshell, Rebuilding works like opening a new branch, but without leaving your current branch. You get the profit bonus for all of the fame you’ve earned, and also you get to spend that fame right away.

Special Upgrades

Fame is incredible, because it will allow for really powerful upgrades. (How does 7x profit sound?) The confusing part is the limitations they have on spending fame. This system looks like it was put in place to keep players from becoming too powerful too quickly, and as a result, doesn’t make much sense.

You can never spend more than 20% of your fame on any particular item. What does that mean? If you have 1 Trillion fame, and want to buy an upgrade for 1 Trillion fame – you can’t do it. In order to spend 1 Trillion fame, you’ll need to have earned 5 million fame on the previous branch. 

When you click on the upgrade you’ll get a pop-up message that “explains” that you can’t buy anything that exceeds 20%.

You also get warnings when you buy items that are 10% of your fame or above. It’ll say “This upgrade costs 12% of your fame, are you sure you want to continue?”

When you run into this wall, make note of how expensive this upgrade is, and earn much, much more than that in fame before opening your next branch. This will ensure that you’ll have enough extra fame that you won’t hit this limit too quickly.

I learned the hard way why this 20% limit is in place. In rare instances, there will be a handful of Special Upgrades that are the same price. If that is at the ceiling of your purchase ability (19%~) and you buy all of them, you’ll actually spend so much fame that your profit will decrease.

New Branch Walkthrough

No disrespect, but this game is really Engrish-y. Let me walk you through the New Branch process.

First, click on “World Map.”
Now, click on “New Branch.”
Now you’re on the “Branch Open” screen. This screen is telling you how much Fame you’ll have if you open a new branch now (Obtainable Fame) and what your profit bonus is going to be, but as I explained before “All Profit” is wrong, so you only really know your profit bonus when you’ve opened the new branch. 

Maintenance/Initialization

This menu is cloaked in Engrish to the point that it’s indecipherable. To better understand this, think of the “Maintenance” column as “Keep” and the “Initialization” column as “Lose.”

When you open a new branch you will Keep all of your Ruby, Fame, Chef, Recipes, and Expansions. You will Lose Business (the restaurant buildings), Upgrades, and Gold.

To continue, click “Open”

On the next screen you’ll see “Select Type.” What this does is lets you spend 300 Rubies (no thanks) to retain everything from the “Initialization” column. Honestly, that is not worth it to me, and I’d rather save my Rubies to spend elsewhere. Full disclosure, I haven’t used “Special”, but I’m pretty sure that’s what happens when you spend the 300 Rubies.

So, click “Normal” on this screen and voila, you’ll be transported to your New Branch. 

Foodpia FAQs and Other Info

How many cities are there?

There are a total of 21 cities.

Why is King’s Burger so expensive?

After playing for a bit, you may realize that King’s Burger is the most expensive to upgrade, but provides very little by way of profit.

As it turns out, this is because King’s Burger is designed to provide buffs for other restaurants. If you click on the multiplier/moneybag icon above King’s Burgers profit bar, you’ll see what restaurant the upcoming multiplier is for.

Most of the time it’ll be buffing a different restaurant, and only rarely does it buff King’s Burger. This is also why King’s Burger levels up at such odd intervals. In the early game, King’s Burger typically has 2 or 3 bonuses per 100 upgrades, while every other branch only has 1.

Later in the game King’s Burger will suddenly have massive upgrades for itself, so keep an eye out for those.

I emailed the developer and suggested that the moneybag icon for King’s Burger should be changed to a food icon that represents what restaurant it’s going to buff next, to make the purpose of King’s Burger more apparent. He said they are adding it in a future update. (Note: It’s been several months and they never added it)

“I completed a new recipe for 10x profit, but it only went up by like 30%! What gives?”

Every multiple is lumped together to increase the restaurant’s base profit. For example, if your restaurant was earning 1 dollar a second, and you completed your first recipe for 5x, your profit would become $5 per second. When you complete your second recipe for 10x, you would think that it would be 10x your current profit, but in reality those two recipes lump together to create 15x the base profit.

Same goes for chefs, if you have a 10x chef, and then add another 10x chef, you are getting 20x the base profit, and not 10x and then multiple it 10x again.

This rule doesn’t apply to the second page for recipes or chefs. Eventually you’ll unlock a second page of chefs and recipes, and this page operates independently of the first page. So if you had 100x total multipliers on page 1, and then 10x multipliers on page 2, you will have 1000x multiplier.

Top Earner Tip

When the game starts, Amazing Ramen will always be the top earner. As you progress, the top earner will periodically change.

Keep an eye on what your next bonus for King’s Burger is. You’ll always have a “top earner” restaurant based on the number of upgrades, recipes, and chefs you have for it, but King’s Burger can flip the top earner without you realizing it.

Some of the King’s Burger bonuses will be in the thousands, so scroll through once in awhile and see if one restaurant is suddenly out-earning the rest, and focus on upgrading and buffing that restaurant with your best chefs.

Tasty Chicken Tip

Tasty Chicken is the cheapest restaurant to upgrade, but also has some of the fastest profit multipliers. When you hit the low 1000s, Tasty Chicken will unlock 4x and 5x multipliers every 100 upgrades, while other restaurants will still be getting 2x multipliers.

This means that (in the early game) you can very quickly (and cheaply) get Tasty Chicken to have a profit that rivals, or exceeds your most profitable restaurant.

Expeditions >>SPOILER<<

After you’ve completed 5 branches in Seoul, you unlock “Expeditions” which is this pretty neat mode that farms buffs for you. For the Expedition you select your 3 top chefs (don’t worry, this doesn’t remove them from any restaurants they are buffing) and they go “hunt” for items for an hour (longer in later cities).

When the hour is up, they return and will have a handful of items for you. Money, rubies, and then buffs. Each city has special items that buffs specific restaurants.

Foodpia will notify you when an Expedition has completed, right? Nope. After you’ve unlocked several expeditions, they will be completing at various times. The developer probably didn’t include an alarm because it would be going several times a day. I use my phone’s alarm to remind me (they usually arrive in 3 hour intervals).

After you get 5 stars/5 branches in a city it will unlock that city’s Expedition. You can send 3 chefs on each Expedition, and there are 21 cities, so start unlocking chefs ASAP to maximize your Expeditions.

The higher level a chef is, the better they are on Expeditions. You can also auto-select the best available chefs by clicking the greyed-out arrow button on this screen. (It looks like the recycling logo)

Also, and this is just another reason to always be unlocking chefs, is that in the first two cities you can use your best chefs for Expeditions. Later, you can only use chefs for a specific restaurant. So if you only have two chefs that are specific to Tasty Chicken, you can only send those on the Expedition.

Second Page of Chefs >>SPOILER<<

Initially, Foodpia only allowed for 3 chefs to be equipped per restaurant. Recently, they added a second page of 3 additional chefs, but how it works is a little unclear.

Once you’ve unlocked the first 3 chefs, you’ll see a prompt like this.

You’ll need to level up the Expedition bonus item to the level listed in order to open that slot.

So even though the third chef has been unlocked, you still need to grind out the levels of the Expedition item until it reaches the number listed, and then you’ll be able to equip a chef in that slot.

The levels are pretty high, so be patient! :D

Chef Tips

The game doesn’t explain chefs very well, but they are THE MOST IMPORTANT upgrades in the game, for two reasons. They provide a global profit buff, and they can dramatically improve the profit for a single restaurant.

Chefs can increase a restaurant’s levels, add a profit multiplier, or both.

The most important thing I learned in this game is to pair your best performing chef with your most profitable restaurant. 

Each chef is specialized for a particular restaurant. When you place them on a different restaurant, you lose 50% of their abilities.

If you have a chef with a 12x profit multiplier, you’ll lose half of that buff by placing the chef in a different restaurant, but a 6x buff on your top-earning restaurant can literally change the game, so be sure to place your chefs wisely.

Also, the game never tells you, but for each new chef you unlock, you get a 20% global profit bonus. That means every restaurant’s profit increases by 20%. You can see your current bonus in the Chef tab, and then clicking “All Chef” and scrolling to the bottom.

It’s tempting to spend your rubies on other buffs, but I think that chefs really are the best bang for your buck.

Chef Star-Rating

Chefs have a star rating that indicates their rarity. They have 1 through 6 stars, with 1-star being the most common, and 6-stars being the rarest.

The higher star chefs will provide bigger buffs to the restaurant.

Leveling Chefs

Whenever you unlock a duplicate chef, it will double that chef’s abilities. For example, if you have a 1-star chef that provides +6 levels, when you unlock the duplicate, the chef’s level will become 2, and it will now provide +12 levels.

Getting several duplicates of a chef can make them very powerful.

How do you get more Chefs?

You can unlock chefs on the chef tab by purchasing them with gold or rubies. Sometimes you will unlock a chef by completing challenges.

As of patch 1.3.7 you get a “Login Bonus” which gives you one free chef per day. So be sure to log in! The login bonus occurs at 6pm PST.

Unlock All Button

There’s a weird item in the shop called “Unlock All Button.” It costs 200 Rubies. This button is used to purchase all available Upgrades or Special Upgrades with one click. 200 Rubies sounds really expensive, but in the later game you’ll have 300 or so upgrades to click, and Unlock All winds up being pretty useful. Don’t buy it right away, but I recommend getting it at some point.

Cash Shop Items

I’m pretty averse to buying anything with real money in a game, although I’m happy to “watch” as many ads as they offer for free items. Foodpia offers a lot of paid items, and I only ever ended up buying one, which is the 4x TV Time multiplier.

When you use TV Time, you get 2x profit for four hours, but if you spend $4.99 it will always be 4x.

If you really love this game, and have a desire to spend money, I think the 4x multiplier is the best value. Yes, I’d love to get double presents, or free skip tickets every day, but I am not going to fork over $20-$30 bucks to get it.

How many ads can you watch per day?

You can watch a total of 46 ads each day. 6 of the ads are specifically for “TV Time” so you can have the 24-hour profit multiplier. The other 40 are for Lightplane and Party Time to improve their rewards.

There’s a counter that will tell you when you have 3 or fewer remaining ads.

It used to be possible to use all of your ads without using TV Time, leaving the player stuck without the TV Time bonus, but the 6 specific ads for that were added.

Trivia:

I thought the game’s title “Foodpia” was a made-up word meaning “Food Utopia”, but it turns out a Foodpia is like an Asian street fair with food carts. :D

by Jonas Polsky

There’s an incredible world out there, just waiting to be explored. With the passage of the American Health Care Act, more than 22 million Americans are expected to lose their health coverage. So there’s no better time to get out and see the world, right before you and the ones you love die from lack of access to medical care.

Nothing puts life in perspective like knowing yours is about to end, so grab that bucket list and make sure you’ve checked off visits to these great attractions! We rounded up the top 5 MUST-SEE places to visit before the health care safety net that’s keeping you alive is set on fire.

Great Pyramids of Giza

Much like Trumpcare’s tax cuts for the super-wealthy, the Great Pyramids of Giza were built by viciously exploiting the working poor. Round up the family and see these incredible structures while everyone’s still healthy enough to travel. Don’t forget to snap a photo with a smiling camel!

Las Vegas

The global mecca for gambling, Las Vegas is a round-the-clock party in the middle of the Nevada desert! If you need prenatal care or birth control under Trumpcare, you’re going to be out of luck, so head down to Las Vegas, roll the dice, and cross your fingers that your baby comes out okay!

Machu Picchu

Machu Picchu is an ancient Inca site that dates back to the 15th century. Under Trumpcare, health insurance for the elderly can be as much as five times more than they’re paying now. So in addition to the elderly having multiple ongoing health crises, they’ll be going broke as well!

Senior Citizens: Take your mind off of the impending loss of your health and dignity by visiting Machu Picchu, and riding around on a llama!

The Grand Canyon

Carved out over thousands of years by the Colorado River, the Grand Canyon is a sight to behold. Speaking of carve-outs, Congress voted to exempt themselves from any cuts or reduction in care caused by the AHCA. Trumpcare is good enough for voters, but their elected representatives need something a bit better!

If you dumped all of America’s uninsured into the Grand Canyon, would it be completely filled in? We may know soon!

Paris

With views like these, who needs chemo?! Pop a beret onto your bald head and be enchanted by the City of Light! What better place to spend your last few weeks, unable to purchase health insurance for cancer treatment, than in the most romantic city in the world? Love is a pre-existing condition!

Download a French language app, and you’ll be telling concerned waiters “Appelez un docteur, s'il vous plaît” like a native Parisian!

I was listening to Chris D’Elia’s podcast and he was telling a story about having to throw a fan out of his show for heckling. Not someone who was having a bad time, a fan who was thrilled to see him. Chris pointed out that when it happens, the audience member is stunned to learn that what they were doing is wrong.

Some people don’t realize the unspoken (or sometimes clearly stated) rules of attending a comedy show, but they are very real, and they are enforced. Here’s what you can do to ensure you’ll never find yourself sitting outside on the curb while your favorite comic makes fun of you.

Rule 1. Don’t Heckle

A stand up comedy show is a one-way conversation. The comedian has meticulously prepared a comedy monologue that they want to deliver without interruption. Shouting up to them can derail a bit, and it’s the easiest way to get thrown out. There’s a misconception that “heckling is part of stand up comedy”, but it isn’t. You WILL get thrown out and called names by your favorite comedian if you do it.

Heckling is defined as pretty much any sound an audience member can make outside of laughter and applause. Other reactions to jokes like “Wooo!” or “Awww” are fine. Heckling can be negative (“You suck!”) or supportive (“You’re my favorite comic!”) but both will get you into trouble.

Not often, but sometimes, a comedian will poll the audience about something, that will lead them into a prepared bit. If the comedian is looking at you and asks you a direct question, and then urges you to respond, ONLY THEN is it okay to talk to the comedian. This is a rare exception, and the comic will make it clear they want you to answer.

Heckling is against the rules at every comedy club. Don’t do it.

Rule 2. DON’T HECKLE

Seriously. It’s that important. The comic talks, the audience listens. That’s how the show works.

If I didn’t get the point across the first time, heckling is not tolerated at any comedy show. Don’t get embarrassed and tossed out of a show for shouting. Best-case scenario is your favorite comedian will tell you to shut up and you’ll feel bad. Worst-case scenario is you’re thrown out of the show with no refund.

I know this no heckling rule makes it sound like comedians are prima donnas, but getting a room full of strangers to laugh is already so challenging that having to compete with people who are yelling makes it nearly impossible. The comedian can’t do their job if you’re shouting.

Rule 3. Don’t Get Blitzed

Stand up comedy requires a little bit of mental energy on the behalf of the audience. If you’re so drunk that you’ve regressed into an infantile state, you won’t be able to follow the show, your brain is going to shut down, and you’re going to have a hard time not breaking the “no heckling” rule.

If you want to get blackout drunk, stay home and piss yourself in your living room. “Buzzed” is the way to go. Have a few drinks, space them out, and be sober enough to enjoy the show.

Rule 4. Don’t Record the Show

I’ve written about this at length before, but to summarize: under no circumstances is it okay to record a comedy show. In order for a comic to make a living, their act needs to be unseen by the next audience they perform for.

When you record a comedian, you are quite literally hurting their ability to earn money. It’s not just rude, you are spoiling their jokes for future audiences. Don’t record the show.

Rule 5. Put Away Your Phone

Speaking of phones –

Turn your phone off, and enjoy the show. Be connected, and live in the moment. Checking your phone in a dark club is like switching on a flashlight and waving it around. To make matters worse, not only have you just annoyed everyone in the club, now they know exactly where you are.

If you absolutely have to look at your phone for something, get up and walk out of the showroom, or go to the bar and look at it there.

Rule 6. Be Quiet & Understand Rhetorical Questions

Stand up comedy is a verbal art form. Just like heckling disrupts the show, having a conversation at your table is going to distract other patrons, and possibly the comic. You’ll get more warnings for talking during a show than heckling, but the end result is the same: you’ll be forced to leave.

When a comic asks a question, they typically don’t want 400 people to shout back an answer. It’s not “Jeopardy”, they are asking the question rhetorically.

If a comic says: “Why does it take women so long to get ready?” that’s not your cue to shout “Because they have more stuff to do than men!” You’re still listening silently, and they are still performing a monologue. Nothing has changed.

Rule 7. You Don’t Get to Request Jokes

Good rule of thumb: If you already know a joke, the comedian probably doesn’t tell it anymore. Stand up isn’t like music, people don’t show up to hear the greatest hits. Audiences don’t want to hear jokes they already know, and comedians don’t want to tell jokes the audience has already heard.

And just because you want to hear an old joke doesn’t mean the dozens of other people that paid to get in want to hear it, too. Comics intentionally space out returning to cities to avoid telling the same jokes to the same people.

Also, the comic isn’t a jukebox: they don’t take requests.

Okay, remember to not heckle, and have fun.

It’s estimated that one look from Sarah Snyder generates more energy than a dozen solar panel arrays.

This liquor store was in a blackout, but when Sarah Snyder threw this pose, everything powered on. (Including that ATM, which wasn’t plugged in) 

One side-effect of the all the energy that Sarah Snyder generates is that her body outputs around 500 BTUs per minute, which is a contributor to global climate change. 

Whenever Sarah Snyder rides in an electric vehicle, the battery becomes permanently charged, defying all known scientific theories. 

Sarah Snyder generates so much energy that the clothing she wears is radioactive afterward, and has to be deposited in lead caverns underground.

Since 2010, all space launches have been powered by a single selfie of Sarah Snyder (the same photo has been reused for each launch, with apparently no reduction in power). This new form of energy has been dubbed “selfie power." 

Policy centers are concerned about the economic disruption that Sarah’s limitless source of power will have on unemployment in the energy sector. For example, after Sarah Snyder struck this pose, the national grid was overloaded with electricity, fracking went out of business, and about half of Canada caught on fire.

via https://www.instagram.com/sarahfuckingsnyder

Automation is coming for your job. You may be replaced sooner, you may be replaced later, but eventually, you will be replaced.

While discussing artificial intelligence, a friend of mine said: “But stand up comedians will never be replaced by robots – right?” At the time I said that people would probably have a preference, and some would go with human comedians, and some would favor robots. As time wore on, I realized how incredibly wrong I was.

Stand up comedy is the distillation of the funniest, most clever thoughts a particular person has. Some days a comic will wake up and think of three jokes, sometimes they think of zero.

These thoughts bubble up while daydreaming, watching a movie, standing in an elevator, or sitting in traffic. But ask any comic, ideas for jokes appear sporadically. And it’s only after the refinement, paring down, and testing of these jokes, does a stand up comedy bit begin to form.

Artificial intelligence, is superior to human intelligence. If you were to set an AI to the task of coming up with stand up comedy, organic comedians wouldn’t stand a chance. Artificial intelligence doesn’t go to sleep, it doesn’t have a dayjob, and the biggest difference between AI and comedians; artificial intelligence isn’t lazy.

When a comedian steps onstage, they are presenting years worth of work, boiled down to just under, or just over an hour. It took them years to come up with funny ideas, improve upon them, test them, and combine all of it to create a (nearly) foolproof routine that will make crowds laugh.

Chris Rock’s first comedy special “Bring the Pain” is inarguably his best work. Of the subsequent five or six specials he’s recorded, everyone remembers, quotes, and adores “Bring the Pain.” How long did Rock have to develop that hour of material? The answer is: his entire life up to that point. Chris Rock was 31 years old at the time, which means he’d been performing and improve his stand up for more than a decade.

How would an AI approach this process? Unlike a human, an AI can have tens of thousands, or possibly, millions of completely separate thoughts occurring at the same time. How long would it take for the AI to come up with a surefire joke? A minute? A split-second?

Imagine an artificial intelligence has been hired to perform stand up comedy. As it’s walking onstage, it begins formulating a never-before performed stand up comedy act from scratch. As it’s approaching the microphone, it has generated a list of several million funny ideas, tested those ideas against a million computer-simulated comedy audiences, selected the jokes that performed the best, and has ordered them into a comedy routine which it will now present to a human audience for the very first time.

It’s this ability, and this speed, that makes a human comedian wholly inferior to artificial intelligence.

Instead of touring the country for months, waiting to take the stage and try out ideas, the AI is boot-strapping their jokes against virtual comedy audiences at a speed that boggles the mind.

That’s when I realized the biggest advantage of all: The AI never has to stop.

Unlike a human comedian, who eventually exhausts their material and says goodnight, the AI never runs out of material, and therefore, never has to stop performing. You could put an artificial intelligence on TV and let it perform forever. While it’s telling each joke, and during each applause break, the AI is generating more and more material. It’s simultaneously reading the internet, and coming up with new references, and new jokes to tell. Instead of recording a comedy special with a start and an end, you could launch a TV channel that’s just an AI telling jokes nonstop until the end of time.

So, yes. In answer to your question, artificial intelligence will replace comedians, and in a stunning fashion that will make human comedians obsolete.

If you’re like me, when you get home from work, you would probably rather sit in front of the computer instead of going to the gym or exercising. I like doing sets of pushups when I’m at home, but it’s hard to make it a habit.

Last week I came up with “The Game.” You’ve probably heard of “The Game” where the purpose of the game, is to not think about the game. That’s exactly how this pushup game works.

While you’re watching endless Youtube unboxing videos or laughing at animated gifs of drunk people, the thought is probably crossing your mind that you should be exercising. Me too.

I decided that those thoughts should be my trigger to do some pushups. Whenever I think anything exercise or fitness-related, I get up and do ten pushups. Might not sound like much, but last night I think I did around sixty over the course of the evening. You do that a couple of nights in a row, and it starts to add up.

Examples:
“Man, Luke Cage is ripped. I wish I was ripped.” Ten pushups.
“I was supposed to go to the gym tonight…” Ten pushups.
“I should probably eat better.” Ten pushups.
“My face looks skinnier in these old photos.” Ten pushups.

Every time I think about fitness, or wanting to be in shape, I get a little bit closer to that goal by knocking out a set of pushups. You benefit by getting up from your chair, circulating your blood, and of course by exercising your arms.

There are a couple of other rules. You have to have a cool-down period between thoughts, because as soon as you get up from doing pushups, you’re going to think about having just done pushups, which would put you in an infinite loop. I give myself a few minutes to forget the last set, before I reset and wait to think about fitness again.

Also, I’m pretty lazy. While I am playing this “game”, I often put off a set of pushups until a round of Overwatch ends, or to finish a video. To dissuade this, I decided a penalty should be put in place. Whenever I put off a set of pushups, and then have another fitness-related thought, I add 5 pushups to the upcoming set. I set a cap of 25 pushups per set, so I don’t get too far into debt, and it’s been working well.

Anyone can do ten pushups, and if you’re like me, you wish you were in shape much more often than you do something to get into shape, and by playing “The Game” you can get exercise on nights when you’re being lazy.

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never believed such an incredible sexual encounter could happen to me, and also farewell to all of my friends and loved ones.

Last night I met Vanessa, a stunning blonde in a mini-dress and stiletto heels, whose crimson lips blew kisses to me from the far end of a smoky bar. Suicide seemed like the only logical solution to an equation that was equal parts humiliation, regret, and pain.

She nibbled on my ear, as I kissed ravenously at her throat, and I hope that everyone who ever mistreated me knows how much I hated them, and now, in death, I am finally free from their unending torture.

As her dress unzipped, her generous breasts sprung forth, illuminated by the soft moonlight. It’s one thing to say that I sought out happiness in vain, it’s entirely another thing to say I never knew what happiness truly was.

I’d heard of wild sexual encounters, uncorked passion between anonymous partners, but I’d never imagined something quite like this. I know the greatest pain a parent can feel is to bury a child, and I apologize for being so deeply selfish as to take your only son away from you.

I explored every inch of Vanessa’s toned, hairless body with my mouth and hands. When I glanced at the clock, I was amazed at how many hours our lovemaking had consumed. The PIN for my bank card is 8733, and there is about $4,000 in the account. Please withdraw the money to pay for my funeral.

Her forehead was dotted with beads of sweat, we kissed passionately, thrusting harder and deeper as the soft glow of sunrise began to fill the room. I knew with certainty, that this would be a one-night fling. Vanessa, you were truly the hottest piece of tail I ever had, and you can find my lifeless body hanging in your bathroom.

Goodbye cruel (and sexy) world,

Jonas Polsky

The phrase “comedian’s comedian”, or “comic’s comic” is used to describe comedians who are held in very high regard among their peers, but aren’t popular with fans.

Examples include: Dave Attell, Doug Stanhope, Todd Barry, and the late Patrice O’Neal. These are comics who are extremely well-respected by other comedians, but may be under the radar of comedy fans.

“Playing to the back of the room” is a phrase associated with being a comic’s comic. Comedians typically stand in the back of a comedy club while waiting to perform, and when a comic’s comic is onstage, you hear laughs emanating from the back of the room, while the crowd stays mostly silent.

A comedian’s comedian is performing a type, or style of comedy that primarily entertains other comics. They generally don’t make it into the mainstream, and their careers (sadly) consist of mostly performing on the road.

Not all answers are created equal. Google places some answers on the first page of search results, and a chosen few are singled out in The Answer Box.

What’s “The Answer Box”, you may be asking?

The Answer Box is “Result Zero”, the Holy Grail of search results. It’s a snipped of information pulled from a web page, and highlighted above every other result. Google considers answers in the answer box to be the definitive answer to a question.

Let’s ask Google something with a clear answer, like “How tall was Abe Lincoln?”

By showing this answer box, Google is basically saying, “Look, I know the answer to this question, it’s not up for debate. You don’t even need to click on a website, this is the only result you need.”

Now I know what you’re thinking: “How can I get a result in Google’s Answer Box?”

The simplest answer is: “Find a question no one has answered, and answer it.” Alternatively, you can find a question that is being answered wrong, or being answered poorly, and provide a better answer.

Here are some other factors to help you get in the answer box.

1. Have a Website with High Authority.
If you have a website that gets lots of clicks, and lots of backlinks, you’re more likely to rank, and therefore more likely to land in the answer box.

2. Rank for that Subject.
You’ll notice that most websites in the answer box are also in the top three results for that query. Google will select the answer from results of sites that are already ranking for that search.

3. Clearly Ask the Question, and Provide the Right Answer.
Google’s not going to hunt for the question, put it in the title of your page, ask the question in the body, and provide a clear answer. And the answer has to be right, not an opinion, or partially correct answer, the right answer. If people see that the answer is wrong, they’ll bounce from your page and go find the right answer.

4. Include Numbered Steps.
It’s easy for Google to understand that numbered steps are part of a “how to” guide, and they’ll display snippets of those steps in the answer box.

5. Use General On-Page SEO
Ask the question, rephrase it, provide more info, share some relevant facts. Flesh out your content so it will be found for as many search phrases as possible. “How many wheels does a bike have?“ and “Do bicycles have three wheels?” is a great place to start.

In summary, if you find a question no one has answered, write a great, informative, and most of all, correct piece of content answering that question, you could land in the answer box. Check the search queries you’re being found for, and enhance the content to include those long-tail phrases, and keep the page updated.

These are all the factors that make a high-quality result in Google’s eyes, and can land you in the answer box.

Examples:

“How to Do Stand Up”

“Comedy Bit”

“What Does Electronic Notification Received Mean?”

A few months ago something crazy happened. I got a job alert from CBS that was for a STAFF WRITER position for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. In this industry (that I’m not in) it’s so incredibly difficult to get a chance to merely APPLY for a job, that seeing one that allowed open applications was incredible.

I tell everyone, that I had an absolute blast writing this packet. Lots of writing submissions are so rigid and formatted that it really feels like homework, but writing this Late Show packet was really fun. And after I sent it in, I did something weird, I actually KEPT writing bits for the show. I had built up the idea of writing for the show so much, I was fantasizing about more jokes and bits to contribute. Each day more desk ideas, and more cutaways were added to a file that I would bring with me when I was hired.

Like so many packet submissions (for me, all of them) this one wasn’t accepted, but it holds a special place in my heart, because I really enjoyed writing it.

Here it is.

Two Cold Opens

Cold Open - “Calling in Sick”

INT. STEPHEN COLBERT’S OFFICE - MIDDAY

(STEPHEN IS LYING ON THE COUCH)

(STEPHEN)

Ahhh, it’s a beautiful day inside, no sense going to work.

(announces numbers while dialing phone) 1900-4-COLBERT

(STEPHEN)

Hi, uh, oh I’m so sick, ahhh. Can you find someone to cover the late shift?

(PRODUCER)

No problem, lemme just toss your paycheck into the paper-shredder–

(STEPHEN)

NOOO-WOW! I FEEL BETTER! (runs out)

Cold Open - “Last Donut”

INT. LATE SHOW HALLWAY - MIDDAY

(STEPHEN IS WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY)

(STEPHEN)

Argh, I’m so bored, I’d better eat something!

(STEPHEN SPOTS PINK DONUT BOX IN THE KITCHEN)

(STEPHEN)

DONUTS, YAYYY!

(STEPHEN OPENS DONUT BOX TO SEE A SINGLE, SICKLY, GREEN AND BROWN “DONUT”)

(STAGEHAND ENTERS)

(STAGEHAND)

Ooh, you’re lucky! You got the last sugar-free, gluten-free Vegan donut with Kale sprinkles! Yum! Yer gonna love it!

(STAGEHAND EXITS)

(DISAPPOINTED COLBERT PUTS VEGAN DONUT ONTO PLATE)

(STEPHEN THEN PICKS UP PINK DONUT BOX AND SADLY TAKES A BITE OF THE CARDBOARD)

Five Monologue Jokes

President Obama’s approval rating is at its highest level, since the killing of Osama Bin Laden – which means his approval rating is currently at one million percent.

At a private school in Maine, an uneaten Twinkie has been on display for 40 years. The maker of Twinkies assures us that not only is the Twinkie edible – it’s still just as stale as the day it was made.

A member of Blink 182 says he left the group to investigate UFOs. Investigating UFOs was the only thing that was less embarrassing, than being a member of Blink 182

The senate has voted against four separate background checks for gun purchases, even one that excludes people on terrorist watch lists. Luckily they were able to pass one bill, if you’re on an FBI watch list, and try to purchase an assault rifle, you’ll get a 20% discount.

Burger King has introduced it’s “Mac ‘N Cheetos” a giant fried Cheeto puff filled with macaroni and cheese. Mac ‘N Cheetos beat out several snack combination ideas, like a corn dog covered in candy corn, and white powdered donuts filled with hot spaghetti.

One Topical News Segment

“The Breakup”

Folks, let’s talk about relationships. Have you ever been trapped in a relationship that’s going nowhere? You’re not right for them, they’re not right for you – and then finally it all falls apart and you have a really messy breakup?

OTS Map of England and EU flag

…an awful, public breakup, where everyone involved gets hurt? And afterward you just want to forget about the past, and start over in a new place – like America?

But this breakup isn’t happening in the parking lot of a burned down Waffle House, it’s taking place on the world stage, and it’s called “Brexit” – which is what a one-year-old says when they’re trying to pronounce “Breakfast.”

OTS Text: “Brexit Through the Gift Shop”

Brexit is short for “British Exit”, and determined whether the bond between the EU and England was unbreakable, like Taylor Swift and her current boyfriend, or doomed to end in weeks, like Taylor Swift and her current boyfriend.

The United Kingdom felt like they were doing more than their share for the European Union, and held a referendum, where the public voted on whether or not they should stay in. Fortunately the British public is well-versed in international trade agreements, which explains why during the vote Google searches for “What is the EU?” spiked in England.

Which is a little bit like videotaping your wife during childbirth, and announcing “Siri, What is a baby?”

The referendum passed, and Britain exited the EU, and then – something strange happened…

Video: Package of clips of voters saying they regret voting “Leave” and wish they hadn’t.

UK voters woke up the morning after the referendum with a regrettable hangover, both literal and figurative, when they found out their symbolic protest votes, were very real, and resulted in an actual dissolution of an international trade agreement.

“Hey, come on European Union! You know we held that nationwide referendum just to make sure you cared! We were just foolin’ around! JK, EU!” But like any other relationship, this one too – can be saved with a handful of artfully-crafted – drunken text messages. So the United Kingdom rallied, and created a petition for a SECOND referendum, that this one – they swear – they’ll vote correctly in.

So the United Kingdom dusts itself off, and makes the ultimate gesture to save the relationship they stupidly ruined – by tying up all those signatures into one beautiful bouquet, in a last ditch attempt to win back the European Union. You always root for couples to stick together annnd – I give ‘em two weeks. Max.

Three Confessions

On my dating profile I wrote that I was 6 foot, 11 – when in reality I’m 11 foot, 6.

Sometimes, I cut to the front of the line – on Amazon.com

I fed a Vegan what I said was a veggie burger – but the burger was actually made out of another Vegan.

Two Pitches for Segments

Segment Pitch - Things History Got Wrong

History gets plenty of things right, but sometimes new research uncovers things that we had previously thought were true, but turned out to be wrong. Stephen lists a few things from history that we recently learned were unfounded, and replaces all the details with things that are clearly made-up.

The Eiffel Tower - History books will tell you the Eiffel Tower is made of wrought iron, and was built 1887. But in reality, The Eiffel Tower is actually made of pretzel sticks, is only two feet tall, and was made about twenty minutes ago. Incredible. How could we have been so wrong?

The Virgin Mary - The Virgin Mary wasn’t named “Mary.” “She” was actually a guy named Herbert, who lived in Philadelphia, and most surprisingly, was born in 1973 – and is still alive.

The Moon Landing - It’s widely told that astronauts first landed on the moon in 1969. But the true details is that they weren’t astronauts, and they didn’t land on the moon. It was just a couple of old college buddies who drove to Newark, New Jersey, to shop for lampshades.

Segment Pitch - Taylor Swift’s Un-monitored @ Replies

Taylor Swift has nearly 80 million followers on Twitter, and gets hundreds of @ messages a minute. It’s impossible for anyone to read all of the messages fans send, but it may be important, because some of the @ replies are essential to national security.

We bring up Taylor’s @ messages from several weeks ago, and see a handful of innocuous notes from fans, “Taylor you’re an icon!”, “Please come to Western Albany!” but as we scroll further, a plot unfolds. One follower is messaging Taylor details about the covert movement of enriched uranium from North Korea. With notes like “The crimson falcon soars at midnight” and “Enriched Uranium and nuclear bomb components to be assembled in Shanghai, please notify CIA” it becomes painfully clear that Taylor Swift’s @ replies SHOULD be monitored! For EVERYONE’S sake!

How much gold do you get for duplicate skins in Overwatch? Here are all the values for duplicates.

Legendary = 200 gold

Epic = 50 gold

Rare = 15 gold

Common = 5 gold

When you unbox a duplicate item in Overwatch, you’re given gold that you can spend on other cosmetic items. Unfortunately, there is a big difference between the cost of an item, and the amount of gold you get for a duplicate. For Legendaries, you get 20% of the gold you would have to spend to buy a Legendary. So in order to buy a Legendary skin for 1,000 gold, you’d have to unbox 5 Legendary duplicates.

Items in Overwatch follow the color hierarchy of: Yellow for Legendary, Purple for Epic, Blue for Rare, and Gray for Common.