Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

For an upcoming mission to Mars, NASA is developing a 3D printer that can make food. The first item the printer was programmed to make was pizza. The slogan of course is, “It’s not Delivery, it’s Da Printer.”

In music news, Paris Hilton has signed to Lil Wayne’s record label. Folks, you know the economy is in bad shape, when even Paris HIlton has to go out and get a job.

A woman in North Carolina was arrested for poisoning her family after they refused to share cheese with her. She wanted cheese, now she’s in a cage… it won’t be long before she grows a tail.

Charles Ramsay, the man who saved three captive women in Cleveland while eating McDonald’s, has been rewarded with free hamburgers for life. Ramsay says if he could do it all over again, he would have called 911 while drinking Dom Perignon.

Brad Pitt thinks he suffers from a disorder, because he can’t remember people’s faces. The disorder is real, it’s called “Mega-Fame-itis.”

A man in Florida was arrested after he was heard discussing a murder, when he “pocket-dialed” 911. It seems careless until you hear the guy’s outgoing voicemail message: “Leave your message after the beep, and just so you know, I’ve murdered someone.”

Scientists have discovered that humans have more than 200 different kinds of fungus on their feet. Men with foot fetishes said, “Yknow, I think I’m more of a butt guy.”

It’s been revealed that Justin Bieber has friends sign a $5 million dollar confidentiality agreement when they attend his parties. Because nothing livens up a gathering than being threatened with financial ruin.

A teenager from California has designed a device to recharge your phone’s battery in just thirty seconds. The device is going to be such a relief for cellphone users when they get on the freeway, and realize they’ve left the charger at home.

Amazon.com is planning a new office building that has trees inside it. Which is only fair, because in order to make their products, they had to cut down the actual Amazon.

(Thanks for reading, and I hope you laughed as much as I did.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50894943123/topical-jokes-takeover-5-19-13

This is the funniest thing I’ve ever said.

Dear Aubrey Plaza,

Hi, how are you? I am well. I think you are cute.

I was wondering, would you want to go on a lunch date with me sometime? I am not dying, otherwise I would contact you via the Make-a-Wish Foundation, and they would convince you to please do it, because I was dying.

Since I’m totally alive (but maybe not for long, who knows? No one except God) I will need to convince you to go on a lunch date with this persuasive letter. There are 365 opportunities to have lunch in a year, and if you are free one of those days, I would love to have a fun, “no-strings” lunch outing with you.

I am not very familiar with your work, but I know who you are. If I knew your birthday I’d know “when” you are, but I can’t know why you are! (That’s a philosophical discussion we can have on the date!)

I’m not a “huge fan” or “weird stalker”, like some of your other fans probably are. Also, you probably have some stalkers that aren’t fans at all, or maybe hate your career, and want to do you harm, but that’s not me. I’m neutral. I just like you for being you.

By now, you’re probably visualizing this lunch (successful people use that technique to get what they want from life/see the future) and you’re wondering how it would “go down” if you choose to accept.

Here are the guidelines:

1. The lunch is platonic. Everything is totally “just friends” (unless you decide to make it “something more.”) Therefore if you have a boyfriend or husband (things that I cannot control) it would not prevent us from having lunch. Just two cool people, sharing conversation and a meal, with no legal ramifications.

2. It’s my treat. I am not wealthy, but I can scrape together enough money for you and I to enjoy lunch (and even have a little left over for the gratuity!). So relax, because your financial burden would be zero. They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but we’ll show them! (Provided you agree to the lunch, otherwise we will not show them.)

3. Lady’s choice! You get to pick the restaurant! What are you in the mood for? Sushi, Mediterranean, Cuban? It’s totally up to you (unless you can’t decide, in which case I will aid you in the decision-making process).

4. I’m a conversationalist! I know a lot about the world, and you can list all the things you’ve seen on TV or the internet, and I can tell you if I’ve seen those same things, and we can examine what we liked or disliked about each one. As that progresses, we can transition into personal stories, like things that happened in the past, and whether we emotionally grew from them, or felt forever harmed by it.

If that doesn’t work out, we can just swap old jokes we’ve heard, or even make up imaginary stories and see if they make us laugh! For example: I could pretend that I am a king, and you are a beautiful princess (the king and the princess love each other) and I’d swear to make sure no one ever hurts you, even if they have a really sharp knife, or a jagged broken bottle, or a really vicious dog with no leash.

5. Hands off! I’m a gentleman, and you wouldn’t have to worry about me touching you in ways that would make you feel uncomfortable. But if the situation called for it, I would initiate the physical contact by first announcing my intention, then awaiting your permission. Ex. “May I touch your knee?”, “May I touch parts of your head?”, “May I hug you?” and you would give the go ahead (or decline), and I would respect your decision either way, and no matter what you choose in each instance we’ll always be friends.

With all of the above reasons, I think you’d have a great time on our lunch date. It’s free, it’s whatever you want, we’d have a great talk, and there would be no risk of me touching you in a “too familiar” manner, because I would ask you first to make sure you’re “totally cool with it.”

I’ll make sure you feel safe and comfortable (like the king in the made-up story from before) and have a good or great time. I haven’t been on a date in a very long time, and it would mean a lot to me if you’d say yes.

And if you said no, I would try to “act like a mature adult” and accept it, but if I saw you on TV afterward I’d probably change the channel, and likely print out a picture of you and cut it up or burn it. Ultimately, I would probably forgive you and wish you happiness on your journeys wherever they may lead you, but who knows how I’d feel in those first painful moments of rejection, my face flush with embarrassment/anger/confusion/sadness, that I’ve grown all too familiar with. Hopefully I would get over it, and you would too and it wouldn’t reduce the long-term happiness for either of us.

I think this is a great opportunity for you to “get out there” and finally meet someone new, and who knows, maybe the hours will fly by and suddenly it’s night and the lunch will evolve into a full-fledged date and we can “take things from there.”

My phone number is area code (858) 610-6295. So if you like the idea of having lunch with me sometime, give me a ring and we’ll set things up.

Thanks,

Jonas Polsky

PS. I think you are cute, smart, funny, intelligent, wise, hot, sexy, and fine.

PPS. In the event that you say no, and at some point in the future there is a “Win a Date with Aubrey Plaza” contest, could you please contact me so I could enter the contest as quickly as possible?

by Jonas Polsky

Kanye West has debuted his new song by projecting the music video onto the sides of buildings. Which was a weird move, because if you want to project a video onto a giant thing that everyone’s looking at, why not Kim Kardashian’s ass?

…Kanye decided to premier his music video in public, out of concerns that he wasn’t being annoying enough.

Prisoners at Guantanamo Bay have been on a hunger strike for 100 days. The situation is so serious, they’ve now officially changed the name to, “Guantanamo Bay Prison and Weight Loss Spa.”

In Brazil, Domino’s Pizza is using DVD rentals to advertise. When the disc warms up in the DVD player, it smells like pizza. Of course it’s no major coincidence, since Domino’s Pizza smells and tastes like hot plastic.

The European Union has moved to ban olive oil jugs from restaurants. Europeans are upset, but Popeye is furious!

North Korea has launched three missiles that landed in the ocean. The act is being considered a declaration of war, against the city of Atlantis.

A college student in Georgia was arrested after he faked his own kidnapping to avoid telling his parents he was failing. But, the plan worked, his parents totally forgot about the grades!

A woman in Arizona was arrested for trying to give away a baby at a gas station. The offer wasn’t nearly as popular as one across town, where a guy was giving away free can of gas at the baby store.

…the woman was arrested for child endangerment, and the baby was ticketed for loitering.

In business news, Yahoo has purchased Tumblr for $1.1 billion dollars. The acquisition just made Yahoo’s “10 Worst Ways to Spend a Billion Dollars.”

…the merger was the most popular story on Yahoo today, nearly eleven people read about it.

The US Air Force plans to save more than $50 million dollars by replacing flight manuals with iPads. Whenever the pilot has a mechanical problem, they’ll power up the iPad and google “flight manuals.”

 Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50640659102/topical-joke-takeover-5-16-13

by Jonas Polsky

The government of Venezuela is reporting that the country is out of toilet paper. The timing is particularly bad, because this month is Venezuela’s National Wedgie Festival.

Police in New Jersey are looking for a “hatchet-wielding hitchhiker” who is suspected of murder. They’ve asked drivers to temporarily ignore their natural instinct to always pick up hitchhikers that are carrying giant blades.

…some people wondering if the hitchhiker really killed someone, or if this is just a hatchet-job.

The Justice Department has said two known terrorists have vanished from the Witness Protection Program. The Witness Protection Program has gotten so good, even they can’t find the witnesses!

Taco Bell has reached a new milestone, they’ve sold 500 million Doritos Locos Tacos. Even more impressive, they sold all of them to the same guy.

Police in Idaho have accused a man of a terrorism conspiracy. Idaho authorities are saying it’s the first time someone’s tried to hide a bomb inside a baked potato.

Due to budget cuts, California’s unemployment office will stop answering the phone after twelve o’clock. Which is unfortunate, because that’s when most unemployed people wake up.

In Brooklyn, a pizza delivery driver was arrested for selling cocaine along with the pizzas. Police became suspicious of the driver when he guaranteed delivery in 30 seconds or less.

…and they became even more suspicious when the man was delivering pizzas in a $250,000 dollar Mercedes Benz.

Pope Francis has attacked unbridled capitalism and a “cult of money” for the world’s ills. He then passed around a collection plate and reminded worshippers that the everything in the gift shop was half off.

Republicans have been accused of altering some of the released White House emails about Benghazi. One notable change: Hillary Clinton’s email address was changed from hillary@whitehouse.gov to hillary@ImABitchLOL.net

Harvey Weinstein has said they plan on making a sequel to “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” The sequel may be trying too hard to appeal to American audiences, because it’s titled, “Slouching Hipster, Kung Fu Panda.”

(Thanks for reading!)

 Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50564832123/topical-joke-takeover-5-16-13

by Jonas Polsky

The Syrian rebel leader is under fire after he was videotaped eating a government soldier’s lungs. The man responded to the charges by saying, “BraAaiinnNnnSs.”

NASA has said the biggest concern for the upcoming Mars mission is if the settlers can grow food. Because if they can’t grow food, they’ll have to order out.

Airlines are saying they collected record baggage fees in 2012. They’re making so much money from baggage fees, they’ve decided to stop flying passengers.

Burger King has introduced their own version of McDonald’s popular, “McRib” sandwich. In a taste test, people couldn’t tell the difference… between wanting to be alive, and wanting to be dead.

Good news for “Star Trek” fans, there’s now a “Star Trek” dating website. Finally, middle-aged “Star Trek” fans can boldly go… on their first date.

The jury in the trial of Jodia Arias decided that the murder of her ex-boyfriend was “cruel.” The other adjectives the jury could have described the killing with were: “uncool”, “cray”, “redonkulous”, or “murder-y.”

An upcoming rap concert will feature holograms of rap legends Eazy-E, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard. The holograms are so authentic, the Ol’ Dirty Bastard hologram will be too drunk to perform.

(Didn’t make the quota tonight, but there are a few good ones here. Thanks for reading!)

 Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50311512814/topical-joke-takeover-5-12-13

by Jonas Polsky

Twitter had a great run. I’ve really enjoyed reading and posting jokes on it, but I think the party is officially over for me. I’ve made some friends, a few enemies, and even gotten a few jobs via twitter, and for that I’m thankful.

It’s been my sneaking suspicion that virtually no one uses twitter anymore. Not like five years ago, back when it seemed like everyone was reading everything.

I have 4,700+ “readers”, but a poll yesterday showed that a measly 14 are engaged enough to favorite a tweet to let me know they’re reading.

Even if you extrapolate that number, and say maybe two-thirds didn’t log into twitter that day, it still only leaves me with 40 or so people that are tuned in.

That’s one of the problems of social media, once a reader has been “acquired”, they are on the rolls until they unsubscribe or delete their account. People want to be polite, and instead of unfollowing you, will “mute” you via the twitter app.

The end result are people with “thousands” of followers, who really only have a few hundred active users.

So I’m sending out funny jokes that I’m proud of having written, to people who are ignoring me. As any comedian will tell you, the point of being funny is to get attention.

My point is, there’s not much of a reason to generate and post jokes if I’m the only one reading them. I can go back to the method before social media of emailing jokes to my friends and have a better time.

Everyone else seems to be having a blast, and I say continue on with it. I’ll probably keep reading, and may post a joke here or there, but I’m pretty much done with it.

So thank you to anyone who has stuck around to read this, and I’ll see you guys when the next hot social media platform appears.

You will see this face.

by Jonas Polsky

The West Wing of the White House was evacuated today due to smoke. And in an unrelated story, Joe Biden is grounded for the entire summer.

…After the fire was extinguished the president said no one was harmed, but some documents about Benghazi are suddenly missing…

Pope Francis has named a record-breaking 800 news Saints in a single ceremony. Many criticized the hundreds of new Saints, saying it was just an excuse to sell more action figures.

…Some people thought the Pope went a bit overboard, like with Saint Guy-Who-Offered-Me-A-Cup-Of-Coffee-Yesterday.

Lottery fever has hit, with the Powerball jackpot hitting $350 million. Just imagine what you could do with $350 million dollars! You could start your own lottery!

…People are really excited about this jackpot. Oprah is so determined to win, that she bought a billion dollars worth of tickets.

Astronauts on the International Space Station had an emergency spacewalk to fix a leaky pipe. Which also happens to be the opening scene of the world’s nerdiest porno.

In Washington state, a man who was angry with his neighbors, demolished their houses with a bulldozer. When the police arrived, the man pointed to his neighbors and said, “Get these homeless people out of here!”.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is under fire for having a $137,000 dollar bed installed on a plane. Netanyahu justified the cost by explaining that his Sleep Number is eighty-kabillion.

In Canada, a flying car crashed into a tree. The flying car crashed when the driver swerved to avoid a flying dog.

Mike Tyson is set to star in a cartoon where a magical face tattoo and a talking pigeon help him solve mysteries. The first mystery they set out to solve is to find out why Mike Tyson has a tattoo on his face.

Researchers from the University of Georgia have developed a new technique to get electricity from plants. So now the question is: do you finish eating your salad, or use it to charge your iPhone?

In New York, a man spent the last four years creating a handwritten copy of the Bible. It’s the perfect gift for someone you never want to make eye contact with again.

Lindsay Lohan is threatening to leave the Betty Ford clinic after being told she’s not allowed to take Adderall for her attention-deficit disorder. I think she has a point, I find it really hard to concentrate on sobriety when I’m not on drugs.

(This was a tough batch, I hope you enjoyed them. Thanks!)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50077255955/topical-joke-takeover-5-10-13

by Jonas Polsky

I got a call for an interview, and that was pretty exciting. Went in for it today and it was a complete disaster.

The “CEO” of the company was talking a mile-a-minute, and had a stockpile of existential questions like “What do you want?”.

I stumbled on “What are you looking for”, when my answer was about what I was looking for in a job (this is a job interview after all) but he was asking the larger question of what am I looking for in life.

Things took a bizarre turn when he asked, “Are you thirsty?” and I responded that I was fine, and said, “Wait, do you mean thirsty, like… do I want a drink?” and of course he used the term “thirsty” as in “hungry” (synonyms, right?) for success.

I nearly stopped a few times to ask if this was a prank, and walked out laughing at what was easily the worst interview I’d ever been to.

The guy who would’ve been my supervisor had bloodshot eyes, and I assumed it was because he was stoned, but I realized later they were both coked out of their minds.

“OUR COMPANY IS FUCKIN’ KICKIN’ ASS!”

“WE’RE A FAMILY!”

“WE NEED SOMEONE TO BUST THEIR ASS!”

“I’M GONNA HOOK YOU UP WITH RAISES!”

“WE NEED LOYALTY!”

“WE’RE A YOUNG COMPANY! WE’RE HUNGRY!”

“WE’VE BEEN AROUND FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, WE’RE OLD!”

So yeah, didn’t go too well. Strangely, I was asked, “do you do drugs” and immediately, “are you willing to take a drug test right now?”.

I told them I was straight edge, and I think it was the first time that has cost me a job, because I got an email an hour later that I was rejected.

That may have been a “feeler” question to see if I was “cool” working in a drugged-out company, and I don’t know what you’d really expect to hear back. You’d have to be insane to tell someone in an interview that you love taking drugs. Maybe they’re looking for insane people.

I do want to find a new job, and I was trying to decide if I was okay with my boss sometimes being coked up (assuming this is an aberration and not their Friday routine) and decided it would be nothing but trouble.

The owner was wearing a “Pepsi” t-shirt, and I realized after the fact that it was a gag, because you ask him if he likes Pepsi, he’d tell you he prefers Coke.

Har har.

by Jonas Polsky

Selena Gomez has revealed that she’s now writing songs for Justin Bieber. Which explains why Justin Bieber’s new album is about how he’s madly in love with Justin Bieber.

A restaurant in Florida is now serving lion-meat tacos. Lion meat is a big change for Florida, because most taco stands serve human flesh.

Syria has stated they will supply Hezbollah with “game-changing” weapons. The game-changing weapons being supplied include: self-firing bazookas, piloted predator drones, lethal Nerf guns, and of course, angry hamster grenades.

Online multiplayer game World of Warcraft has lost ten percent of its players in the last three months. Well, they didn’t exactly “quit”, they locked themselves out of the house.

78,000 people have applied to live on Mars for the rest of their lives. Of course on Mars there are no intelligent life, jobs, or breathable air… so it’s a lot like America.

…the sad news is most of the applicants simply aren’t qualified to die in outer space.

After her son was shot, a mother in Texas visited WebMD for treatment instead of taking him to a hospital. She said went to WebMD after she couldn’t find any medical advice on Urban Dictionary.

…the woman says she understands her mistake, and next time she needs to contact the police, she’ll immediately Google “911.”

Amazon is reportedly developing a smartphone with a 3D screen. Finally, smartphone users have absolutely no reason to look up!

Grocery chain Whole Foods may have sold chicken salads that were labeled as “vegan.” Vegans immediately knew something was wrong, because the salad tasted good.

In an attempt to regain ratings, all four hosts of “American Idol” are being replaced at the end of this season. The new judges are Honey Boo Boo Child, a photo of John Travolta, and the guy who sings “Gangnam Style.”

Two Carnival Cruise passengers are missing off the coast of Australia. The rest of the passengers are unfortunately still on the cruise.

 (Thanks for reading! Mostly abduction news today, but I gave it a shot.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49922018353/topical-joke-takeover-5-8-13

by Jonas Polsky

A man has stepped forward to accuse the late Michael Jackson of molestation. The charges are pretty serious, if convicted Jackson could get the death penalty.

Bill Clinton has said Hillary “hasn’t mentioned” a 2016 presidential run. Which isn’t saying much, because Hillary hasn’t spoken to him since 1997.

A man in Arizona thought he had a runny nose, but it turned out he was leaking brain fluid. Doctors suspected his brain was leaking after the man sneezed, and forgot his childhood.

Rapper Ja Rule was released from prison today after serving two years. Ja Rule hopes to find employment in the rap industry, but it’s tough when you have a criminal record.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie revealed that he got Lap-Band surgery to reduce his weight. Christie knew he had to take action about his weight when he looked down and not only couldn’t see his feet, he couldn’t see New Jersey!

…Christie got the weight-loss surgery in February, then went back in March for a refund.

Doctors in Japan have discovered a new sexually-transmitted super virus, that is even deadlier than AIDS. So far the only known symptoms are that you look and smell like Ke$ha.

…this new super virus is highly contagious, it can even be transmitted through sexting.

Dennis Rodman has asked Kim-Jong Un to release an American prisoner. The CIA has informed the prisoner to not worry, they have their worst man on the job.

Three fake nuns were caught attempting to smuggle cocaine out of Colombia. Things got really confusing when it turned out the police were really nuns disguised as cops who were looking to buy fake cocaine.

Internet traffic has dropped off completely from Syria, leading many to believe Syrian internet access has been completely cut off. There have been millions of outgoing phone calls from Syria asking people in other countries to describe porn.

(Thanks for reading, let me know if you liked the jokes by “liking” this post.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49724450886/topical-joke-takeover-5-5-13

NOPE! It’s Gary Sinise in “Ransom”!

Elaine turns heads when her shirt loses a button. From the Seinfeld episode, “The Gum.”

Homina, homina, homina.

by Jonas Polsky

In an interview with Piers Morgan, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she’s only taken cocaine “maybe 4 or 5 times.” Not 4 or 5 times in her life, but during that interview.

Lil Wayne has been dropped as a spokesman for Mountain Dew because the company said his lyrics are offensive to black people. When Lil Wayne asked Mountain Dew which lyrics were offensive, they replied, “All of them.”

An Ethiopian religious group wants to institute a death penalty for homosexuals. In an unrelated story, Tom Cruise just cancelled his trip to Ethiopia.

Researchers in New York have found that 40% of teens text while driving. They also found out that the remaining 60% of teens are total liars.

In a speech in Mexico, President Obama said that “A new Mexico is emerging.” The governor for the state of New Mexico said, “Uhh, hello?”.

A 9/11 museum in New York is set to institute a mandatory $20-$25 dollar entry fee. They said the outrageous ticket price was the only way to ensure visitors never forget 9/11.

A paper from the National Academy of Sciences suggests that ancient Earth smelled like rotten eggs. What do you mean “used to?”, said people in New York City.

The parents from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” have just gotten married. They said they finally tied the knot, because if you aren’t married after your fourth child, it starts to look a little tacky.

…proving that their reality show hasn’t changed them, they’re registered at The Dollar Store.

While giving a commencement speech at Ohio State University, President Obama told students, “I dare you to do better.” The students said, “Hey, right back atcha.”

Russia has increased the cost to send American astronauts to the space station from $65 million per person to $71 million. On the receipt, Russia listed the $5-million-dollar rate hike as a “You Have No Other Way of Getting There”-fee.

…the Russian space program said if the astronauts didn’t want to pay the full $71 million that they could be dropped off at the exosphere, and walk the rest of the way.

A NASA study predicts that climate change will cause severe rainfall and drought. The study also revealed that NASA scientists are really indecisive.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly “on the fence” about showing her baby on television. Kim said some things should be kept private. Off the top of her head, she couldn’t think of what that would be, but there’s got to be something.

…Kim Kardashian said she would never force her baby into the spotlight, unless it resulted in more fame, money, or ratings.

(Feliz Cinco de Mayo! Vaya con El Diablo, muchachos!)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49495800486/topical-joke-takeover-5-2-13