Jonas Polsky

by Jonas Polsky

Kanye West has debuted his new song by projecting the music video onto the sides of buildings. Which was a weird move, because if you want to project a video onto a giant thing that everyone’s looking at, why not Kim Kardashian’s ass?

…Kanye decided to premier his music video in public, out of concerns that he wasn’t being annoying enough.

Prisoners at Guantanamo Bay have been on a hunger strike for 100 days. The situation is so serious, they’ve now officially changed the name to, “Guantanamo Bay Prison and Weight Loss Spa.”

In Brazil, Domino’s Pizza is using DVD rentals to advertise. When the disc warms up in the DVD player, it smells like pizza. Of course it’s no major coincidence, since Domino’s Pizza smells and tastes like hot plastic.

The European Union has moved to ban olive oil jugs from restaurants. Europeans are upset, but Popeye is furious!

North Korea has launched three missiles that landed in the ocean. The act is being considered a declaration of war, against the city of Atlantis.

A college student in Georgia was arrested after he faked his own kidnapping to avoid telling his parents he was failing. But, the plan worked, his parents totally forgot about the grades!

A woman in Arizona was arrested for trying to give away a baby at a gas station. The offer wasn’t nearly as popular as one across town, where a guy was giving away free can of gas at the baby store.

…the woman was arrested for child endangerment, and the baby was ticketed for loitering.

In business news, Yahoo has purchased Tumblr for $1.1 billion dollars. The acquisition just made Yahoo’s “10 Worst Ways to Spend a Billion Dollars.”

…the merger was the most popular story on Yahoo today, nearly eleven people read about it.

The US Air Force plans to save more than $50 million dollars by replacing flight manuals with iPads. Whenever the pilot has a mechanical problem, they’ll power up the iPad and google “flight manuals.”

 Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50640659102/topical-joke-takeover-5-16-13

by Jonas Polsky

The government of Venezuela is reporting that the country is out of toilet paper. The timing is particularly bad, because this month is Venezuela’s National Wedgie Festival.

Police in New Jersey are looking for a “hatchet-wielding hitchhiker” who is suspected of murder. They’ve asked drivers to temporarily ignore their natural instinct to always pick up hitchhikers that are carrying giant blades.

…some people wondering if the hitchhiker really killed someone, or if this is just a hatchet-job.

The Justice Department has said two known terrorists have vanished from the Witness Protection Program. The Witness Protection Program has gotten so good, even they can’t find the witnesses!

Taco Bell has reached a new milestone, they’ve sold 500 million Doritos Locos Tacos. Even more impressive, they sold all of them to the same guy.

Police in Idaho have accused a man of a terrorism conspiracy. Idaho authorities are saying it’s the first time someone’s tried to hide a bomb inside a baked potato.

Due to budget cuts, California’s unemployment office will stop answering the phone after twelve o’clock. Which is unfortunate, because that’s when most unemployed people wake up.

In Brooklyn, a pizza delivery driver was arrested for selling cocaine along with the pizzas. Police became suspicious of the driver when he guaranteed delivery in 30 seconds or less.

…and they became even more suspicious when the man was delivering pizzas in a $250,000 dollar Mercedes Benz.

Pope Francis has attacked unbridled capitalism and a “cult of money” for the world’s ills. He then passed around a collection plate and reminded worshippers that the everything in the gift shop was half off.

Republicans have been accused of altering some of the released White House emails about Benghazi. One notable change: Hillary Clinton’s email address was changed from hillary@whitehouse.gov to hillary@ImABitchLOL.net

Harvey Weinstein has said they plan on making a sequel to “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” The sequel may be trying too hard to appeal to American audiences, because it’s titled, “Slouching Hipster, Kung Fu Panda.”

(Thanks for reading!)

 Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50564832123/topical-joke-takeover-5-16-13

by Jonas Polsky

The Syrian rebel leader is under fire after he was videotaped eating a government soldier’s lungs. The man responded to the charges by saying, “BraAaiinnNnnSs.”

NASA has said the biggest concern for the upcoming Mars mission is if the settlers can grow food. Because if they can’t grow food, they’ll have to order out.

Airlines are saying they collected record baggage fees in 2012. They’re making so much money from baggage fees, they’ve decided to stop flying passengers.

Burger King has introduced their own version of McDonald’s popular, “McRib” sandwich. In a taste test, people couldn’t tell the difference… between wanting to be alive, and wanting to be dead.

Good news for “Star Trek” fans, there’s now a “Star Trek” dating website. Finally, middle-aged “Star Trek” fans can boldly go… on their first date.

The jury in the trial of Jodia Arias decided that the murder of her ex-boyfriend was “cruel.” The other adjectives the jury could have described the killing with were: “uncool”, “cray”, “redonkulous”, or “murder-y.”

An upcoming rap concert will feature holograms of rap legends Eazy-E, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard. The holograms are so authentic, the Ol’ Dirty Bastard hologram will be too drunk to perform.

(Didn’t make the quota tonight, but there are a few good ones here. Thanks for reading!)

 Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50311512814/topical-joke-takeover-5-12-13

by Jonas Polsky

Twitter had a great run. I’ve really enjoyed reading and posting jokes on it, but I think the party is officially over for me. I’ve made some friends, a few enemies, and even gotten a few jobs via twitter, and for that I’m thankful.

It’s been my sneaking suspicion that virtually no one uses twitter anymore. Not like five years ago, back when it seemed like everyone was reading everything.

I have 4,700+ “readers”, but a poll yesterday showed that a measly 14 are engaged enough to favorite a tweet to let me know they’re reading.

Even if you extrapolate that number, and say maybe two-thirds didn’t log into twitter that day, it still only leaves me with 40 or so people that are tuned in.

That’s one of the problems of social media, once a reader has been “acquired”, they are on the rolls until they unsubscribe or delete their account. People want to be polite, and instead of unfollowing you, will “mute” you via the twitter app.

The end result are people with “thousands” of followers, who really only have a few hundred active users.

So I’m sending out funny jokes that I’m proud of having written, to people who are ignoring me. As any comedian will tell you, the point of being funny is to get attention.

My point is, there’s not much of a reason to generate and post jokes if I’m the only one reading them. I can go back to the method before social media of emailing jokes to my friends and have a better time.

Everyone else seems to be having a blast, and I say continue on with it. I’ll probably keep reading, and may post a joke here or there, but I’m pretty much done with it.

So thank you to anyone who has stuck around to read this, and I’ll see you guys when the next hot social media platform appears.

You will see this face.

by Jonas Polsky

The West Wing of the White House was evacuated today due to smoke. And in an unrelated story, Joe Biden is grounded for the entire summer.

…After the fire was extinguished the president said no one was harmed, but some documents about Benghazi are suddenly missing…

Pope Francis has named a record-breaking 800 news Saints in a single ceremony. Many criticized the hundreds of new Saints, saying it was just an excuse to sell more action figures.

…Some people thought the Pope went a bit overboard, like with Saint Guy-Who-Offered-Me-A-Cup-Of-Coffee-Yesterday.

Lottery fever has hit, with the Powerball jackpot hitting $350 million. Just imagine what you could do with $350 million dollars! You could start your own lottery!

…People are really excited about this jackpot. Oprah is so determined to win, that she bought a billion dollars worth of tickets.

Astronauts on the International Space Station had an emergency spacewalk to fix a leaky pipe. Which also happens to be the opening scene of the world’s nerdiest porno.

In Washington state, a man who was angry with his neighbors, demolished their houses with a bulldozer. When the police arrived, the man pointed to his neighbors and said, “Get these homeless people out of here!”.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is under fire for having a $137,000 dollar bed installed on a plane. Netanyahu justified the cost by explaining that his Sleep Number is eighty-kabillion.

In Canada, a flying car crashed into a tree. The flying car crashed when the driver swerved to avoid a flying dog.

Mike Tyson is set to star in a cartoon where a magical face tattoo and a talking pigeon help him solve mysteries. The first mystery they set out to solve is to find out why Mike Tyson has a tattoo on his face.

Researchers from the University of Georgia have developed a new technique to get electricity from plants. So now the question is: do you finish eating your salad, or use it to charge your iPhone?

In New York, a man spent the last four years creating a handwritten copy of the Bible. It’s the perfect gift for someone you never want to make eye contact with again.

Lindsay Lohan is threatening to leave the Betty Ford clinic after being told she’s not allowed to take Adderall for her attention-deficit disorder. I think she has a point, I find it really hard to concentrate on sobriety when I’m not on drugs.

(This was a tough batch, I hope you enjoyed them. Thanks!)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/50077255955/topical-joke-takeover-5-10-13

by Jonas Polsky

I got a call for an interview, and that was pretty exciting. Went in for it today and it was a complete disaster.

The “CEO” of the company was talking a mile-a-minute, and had a stockpile of existential questions like “What do you want?”.

I stumbled on “What are you looking for”, when my answer was about what I was looking for in a job (this is a job interview after all) but he was asking the larger question of what am I looking for in life.

Things took a bizarre turn when he asked, “Are you thirsty?” and I responded that I was fine, and said, “Wait, do you mean thirsty, like… do I want a drink?” and of course he used the term “thirsty” as in “hungry” (synonyms, right?) for success.

I nearly stopped a few times to ask if this was a prank, and walked out laughing at what was easily the worst interview I’d ever been to.

The guy who would’ve been my supervisor had bloodshot eyes, and I assumed it was because he was stoned, but I realized later they were both coked out of their minds.

“OUR COMPANY IS FUCKIN’ KICKIN’ ASS!”

“WE’RE A FAMILY!”

“WE NEED SOMEONE TO BUST THEIR ASS!”

“I’M GONNA HOOK YOU UP WITH RAISES!”

“WE NEED LOYALTY!”

“WE’RE A YOUNG COMPANY! WE’RE HUNGRY!”

“WE’VE BEEN AROUND FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, WE’RE OLD!”

So yeah, didn’t go too well. Strangely, I was asked, “do you do drugs” and immediately, “are you willing to take a drug test right now?”.

I told them I was straight edge, and I think it was the first time that has cost me a job, because I got an email an hour later that I was rejected.

That may have been a “feeler” question to see if I was “cool” working in a drugged-out company, and I don’t know what you’d really expect to hear back. You’d have to be insane to tell someone in an interview that you love taking drugs. Maybe they’re looking for insane people.

I do want to find a new job, and I was trying to decide if I was okay with my boss sometimes being coked up (assuming this is an aberration and not their Friday routine) and decided it would be nothing but trouble.

The owner was wearing a “Pepsi” t-shirt, and I realized after the fact that it was a gag, because you ask him if he likes Pepsi, he’d tell you he prefers Coke.

Har har.

by Jonas Polsky

Selena Gomez has revealed that she’s now writing songs for Justin Bieber. Which explains why Justin Bieber’s new album is about how he’s madly in love with Justin Bieber.

A restaurant in Florida is now serving lion-meat tacos. Lion meat is a big change for Florida, because most taco stands serve human flesh.

Syria has stated they will supply Hezbollah with “game-changing” weapons. The game-changing weapons being supplied include: self-firing bazookas, piloted predator drones, lethal Nerf guns, and of course, angry hamster grenades.

Online multiplayer game World of Warcraft has lost ten percent of its players in the last three months. Well, they didn’t exactly “quit”, they locked themselves out of the house.

78,000 people have applied to live on Mars for the rest of their lives. Of course on Mars there are no intelligent life, jobs, or breathable air… so it’s a lot like America.

…the sad news is most of the applicants simply aren’t qualified to die in outer space.

After her son was shot, a mother in Texas visited WebMD for treatment instead of taking him to a hospital. She said went to WebMD after she couldn’t find any medical advice on Urban Dictionary.

…the woman says she understands her mistake, and next time she needs to contact the police, she’ll immediately Google “911.”

Amazon is reportedly developing a smartphone with a 3D screen. Finally, smartphone users have absolutely no reason to look up!

Grocery chain Whole Foods may have sold chicken salads that were labeled as “vegan.” Vegans immediately knew something was wrong, because the salad tasted good.

In an attempt to regain ratings, all four hosts of “American Idol” are being replaced at the end of this season. The new judges are Honey Boo Boo Child, a photo of John Travolta, and the guy who sings “Gangnam Style.”

Two Carnival Cruise passengers are missing off the coast of Australia. The rest of the passengers are unfortunately still on the cruise.

 (Thanks for reading! Mostly abduction news today, but I gave it a shot.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49922018353/topical-joke-takeover-5-8-13

by Jonas Polsky

A man has stepped forward to accuse the late Michael Jackson of molestation. The charges are pretty serious, if convicted Jackson could get the death penalty.

Bill Clinton has said Hillary “hasn’t mentioned” a 2016 presidential run. Which isn’t saying much, because Hillary hasn’t spoken to him since 1997.

A man in Arizona thought he had a runny nose, but it turned out he was leaking brain fluid. Doctors suspected his brain was leaking after the man sneezed, and forgot his childhood.

Rapper Ja Rule was released from prison today after serving two years. Ja Rule hopes to find employment in the rap industry, but it’s tough when you have a criminal record.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie revealed that he got Lap-Band surgery to reduce his weight. Christie knew he had to take action about his weight when he looked down and not only couldn’t see his feet, he couldn’t see New Jersey!

…Christie got the weight-loss surgery in February, then went back in March for a refund.

Doctors in Japan have discovered a new sexually-transmitted super virus, that is even deadlier than AIDS. So far the only known symptoms are that you look and smell like Ke$ha.

…this new super virus is highly contagious, it can even be transmitted through sexting.

Dennis Rodman has asked Kim-Jong Un to release an American prisoner. The CIA has informed the prisoner to not worry, they have their worst man on the job.

Three fake nuns were caught attempting to smuggle cocaine out of Colombia. Things got really confusing when it turned out the police were really nuns disguised as cops who were looking to buy fake cocaine.

Internet traffic has dropped off completely from Syria, leading many to believe Syrian internet access has been completely cut off. There have been millions of outgoing phone calls from Syria asking people in other countries to describe porn.

(Thanks for reading, let me know if you liked the jokes by “liking” this post.)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49724450886/topical-joke-takeover-5-5-13

NOPE! It’s Gary Sinise in “Ransom”!

Elaine turns heads when her shirt loses a button. From the Seinfeld episode, “The Gum.”

Homina, homina, homina.

by Jonas Polsky

In an interview with Piers Morgan, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she’s only taken cocaine “maybe 4 or 5 times.” Not 4 or 5 times in her life, but during that interview.

Lil Wayne has been dropped as a spokesman for Mountain Dew because the company said his lyrics are offensive to black people. When Lil Wayne asked Mountain Dew which lyrics were offensive, they replied, “All of them.”

An Ethiopian religious group wants to institute a death penalty for homosexuals. In an unrelated story, Tom Cruise just cancelled his trip to Ethiopia.

Researchers in New York have found that 40% of teens text while driving. They also found out that the remaining 60% of teens are total liars.

In a speech in Mexico, President Obama said that “A new Mexico is emerging.” The governor for the state of New Mexico said, “Uhh, hello?”.

A 9/11 museum in New York is set to institute a mandatory $20-$25 dollar entry fee. They said the outrageous ticket price was the only way to ensure visitors never forget 9/11.

A paper from the National Academy of Sciences suggests that ancient Earth smelled like rotten eggs. What do you mean “used to?”, said people in New York City.

The parents from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” have just gotten married. They said they finally tied the knot, because if you aren’t married after your fourth child, it starts to look a little tacky.

…proving that their reality show hasn’t changed them, they’re registered at The Dollar Store.

While giving a commencement speech at Ohio State University, President Obama told students, “I dare you to do better.” The students said, “Hey, right back atcha.”

Russia has increased the cost to send American astronauts to the space station from $65 million per person to $71 million. On the receipt, Russia listed the $5-million-dollar rate hike as a “You Have No Other Way of Getting There”-fee.

…the Russian space program said if the astronauts didn’t want to pay the full $71 million that they could be dropped off at the exosphere, and walk the rest of the way.

A NASA study predicts that climate change will cause severe rainfall and drought. The study also revealed that NASA scientists are really indecisive.

Kim Kardashian is reportedly “on the fence” about showing her baby on television. Kim said some things should be kept private. Off the top of her head, she couldn’t think of what that would be, but there’s got to be something.

…Kim Kardashian said she would never force her baby into the spotlight, unless it resulted in more fame, money, or ratings.

(Feliz Cinco de Mayo! Vaya con El Diablo, muchachos!)

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49495800486/topical-joke-takeover-5-2-13

SNL Quiz: Guess what “advertiser-linked” sketch had absolutely nothing to do with M&Ms?

If budgetary woes really force to you include advertisers, at least make it funny. The person I really feel bad for is whoever wrote this sketch, and then found out it has to take place at an M&M store.

And this is coming from a guy who loves to eat M&Ms.

by Jonas Polsky

I hated the first scene of “Iron Man 3”, then the second, then the third, and slowly realized that “Iron Man 3” was sucking right before my eyes.

It’s hard to believe that it’s wholly inferior to the much-reviled second installment. It’s not even as good as Tony’s scenes from “The Avengers”, which I would have rather rewatched than sit through “Iron Man 3.”

Here’s why it sucked:

Mindless collection of androids that appear solely as an advertisement for toys.

Like the child who puzzles over the “Polar Ice Rocket Attack Batman” figurine, the audience only learns in the third act why promos for “Iron Man 3” have featured nearly a dozen versions of the Iron Man armor. It’s because it’s a soulless advertisement for toys.

(Also, they should have called it “Audi presents: Iron Man 3.”)

Tried to incorporate “Extremis” with the Mandarin and butchered both.

“Extremis” is arguably the best Iron Man storyline, and by screwing up the details, and multiplying a single unbeatable Extremis enemy into a half-dozen, it’s no surprise that it didn’t work.

Don’t get me started on the Mandarin. (spits)

Iron Man armor fails and is made fun of too often.

It’s normal for the Iron Man armor to lose power, or some aspects of functionality so Tony has a challenge, but this is just ridiculous. The suit probably breaks down a dozen times in the movie, if not explodes off of Tony with a single hit. He’s IRON MAN! His ingenious armor makes him a hero, if that armor doesn’t work he’s not Iron Man, and if so why is this movie called “Iron Man”?

Everything that was good happened in the trailer and “sneak previews.”

Probably would’ve enjoyed the Stark mansion attack and Air Force One rescue a bit more if I hadn’t already seen it a million times.

Opens with Eiffel 65’s “Blue”(???) and manages to get worse from there.

My jaw dropped when the Paramount logo was assembling to this awful song. WHY?

The “jokes” didn’t get any laughs.

One or two jokes got big laughs, but for the most part fell flat to a silent audience.

Lame “Solutions”

The whole point of a super hero story is to present them with a seemingly impossible situation, and they come up with a brilliant solution that you didn’t expect. For weeks I wondered how the Air Force One rescue would be resolved, and watched it sputter to a close with no explanation.

Post-credits “Secret” scene.

Okay, the falafel scene in “The Avengers” was funny, but don’t jerk me around. If you don’t have anything to add, there’s no reason for a “bonus” scene.

SPOILERS:

Only decent things that happened:

Tony’s improvised intrusion kit, which was cool, but out of place.

When Tony was waiting on the parts of the suit to arrive and he was maneuvering with one gauntlet and one leg.

Guy Pearce before his transformation: He was awesome looking and sounding, and I would’ve preferred he stay that way instead of becoming a second-rate Hammer clone.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s abs. They weren’t too shabby.

Overall Iron Man was a mindless disaster. I think when Jon Favreau quit, he took the heart and wit of the series with him.

Hopefully Tony can make it up to us in the next Avengers…

by Jonas Polsky

A real estate company is offering a 15% raise to employees if they get a tattoo of the company’s logo. Most employees use the extra money for tattoo removal when they get laid off.

A company has invented a men’s shirt that doesn’t need to be washed for 100 days. The shirt is being marketed as “The Everlasting Slobstopper.”

A Walmart employee has been arrested for working part time as a male prostitute. Great employee — just sucked at his job.

A man in New Hampshire is suing a carnival after he lost $2,600 at one of their games. He may have a case, the carnival has made an offer to settle for 80,000 skee-ball tickets.

Facebook has announced that now your Facebook friends will be assigned to work as customer support. Because who better to help you reset your password, than the guy you stood up for the 8th grade dance?

A bombing attack of a rally in the UK was thwarted, when the bombers showed up too late. The bombers said they were late because they forgot to look at their watches, cellphones, and the building with a giant clock on it.

With over a billion visitors a month, YouTube is claiming the war with TV is already over. Television hasn’t given up yet, they plan to allow viewers to call in and leave incredibly racist comments.

The State of Rhode Island has legalized gay marriage. It seemed like good news, until someone checked and realized — no one lives in Rhode Island.

Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones has admitted that he “doesn’t have an iPod.” Richards then pulled out an iPod, and tried to open the garage door with it.

…Keith Richards has so much money, when he wants to hear a song, he hires the band to play it live.

Scientists have discovered part of the mouse’s brain that lets them live 20% longer. The increased lifespan allows mice to experience a mid-life crisis.

Previous Topical Jokes: http://jonaspolsky.tumblr.com/post/49242665093/topical-joke-takeover-4-29-13